emotions of a cactus

should it be like that???

assures you one day but leaves you for weeks?? am i a fool to even think that it might still work?? maybe to him it will but to me, building trust is much slower than building walls... i just hate the fact that i easily fell for the confession and raised my hopes. 

yes he may be busy but all i am asking is a simple hello. or a simple good morning. he cannot provide those simple things. 

i once had a close friend but he went to singapore to study. the internet was a newly established thing back then and having one is a luxury. we never get to chat but deep inside me nothing has changed. we were still friends, i thought. then there came a time that we have finally discovered messenger, i was ecstatic. but i felt the gap between us every time we chatted. there is just this empty space, vacuous void that i can't fill. we got the chance to meet once but there was nothing there. we grew apart.

now with this experience, i can't help but be paranoid. who says we don't need conversations to stay friends??? i don't believe in that bullshit. how can a relationship grow without words?

conversation is essential in every relationship.

i am no cactus that you can water one day and leave alone for weeks...

complex

how far will you go for beauty???

i have just read a blog on a personal transformation story. he emphasized that we has about 60kg at 12... yes that may be huge but he didn't look that way on the pics he posted. he said that he was not aware of any fashion except that of his mom, mom practically dressed him. he was a total loser, he said. then gradually, he changed bit by bit and reached 40kg, got contact lenses, and learned fashion and clothed himself.

now looking back, i was always the chubby type. i practically have no neck on my elementary days. it is very hard to run a half length of a soccer field in high school. but i was never bullied, i got off them since i was a brainy. no one dared to bully because i have the brains. 

i still had the bulging belly when i entered college. there was even a time that i was classified as class 1 obese. then a friend saw me one day and commented on how big i was. i got embarrassed. i started to diet after that incident. that was the focal point. 

now i weigh 70kg. i cannot go any less. i have tried being 65kg but my face didn't go with it. i have a big head literally. a big head on a small body would look like a matchstick. so i don't care much on my weight, as long as my bmi says i'm normal then i'm ok with it. i don't feel like a loser even if i weigh more.

the only complex i have though is my face. i had acne breakout during puberty but it cleared during college. then suddenly just last year, they all came back. i'm thankful that now, there are no new ones but i am suffering from the dark marks left. it is really really hard to get rid of them. and i really get affected when people point out my face. i try to hide the feeling of course but deep inside, i am hurting like hell. why of all things should you point out my face. as if i chose it to be that way. and look, i am finding ways to get rid of these marks ok so just shut up in there. waaaaah... my head screams when i get those talks and it is hard to maintain your cool. 

so can anyone of you in there recommend something good and fast to get rid of these red marks.

it is hard to take photos when you don't have the confidence so i have never posted new pictures of me.. god.

help!!!!!

missing the old days (san juu go)

searched for something from your blog but



i guess you never mentioned it...


longing that you feel the same joy i felt when we met again...


though we never talked that day,


and this awkward feeling was in the air,


i was happy to see you again.......


i never expected it to be the same way as before, but............


i only wished we could have talked some more........


i just hope youre happy to see me as well........


this happened years ago, but i only wrote it now


now that i have stumbled upon your name once again in YM...


but I'm happy with my life now-- with my set of friends...


hope you're happy as well.............






jaa ne!

16th...

now that im on my 16th i would like to write something more deeper... lets write something on a more serious note.


i have so many questions that i would like to ask. i have thought about this for so long now but i have never given it much time. i was so focused on so many worldly things as what others may call it. i dont know if im ready to accept the reality that not all things are as good as what they seem they are...



i have three friends whom ive met at the same time way back then. i see one, a, always and we remain friends even until now. the other one, b, ive lost contact with and never saw again. the last one, c, i just met again recently and stayed in touch (i hope). although you would like to be friends with all three always, but things change. i always see a and we were having more or less the same environment. we understand each other and there are things that dont need to be stated but we both know right away. c on the other hand, had a different environment. when c came back, i dont know what to say. i dont know if c would still like to talk of simple things like a and i does. i dont know if c enjoys reminiscing. i just dont know. so i kept quite. and c was quite as well. i dont know if c felt the same.



i met a again and had a great time... we talked of our dreams, future plans and of people we were both acquainted with... and i discovered that a felt the same way of c. how bad...



c seems so distant. our environment and culture have very little common points now. i just miss the old c full of stories and jokes to tell. i miss the old c who has a simple life to talk about. i miss the old c... but i guess the old c will remain in the past. the old c is now the new c who i have no idea on... the new c is a grown up, a more serious c. i dont know if c still jokes, and what these jokes are about. i can really tell c is not into childish stuff now. maybe its the upbringing. c is onto the world while i remained here in the province. i remained simple but c has a wider perspective... i tried to open up with c and maybe get his idea on things, get a glimpse of how c's life is now but c never opened up. i got this feeling that c is pushing me away. maybe c is burrying the past--never remember anything of me.



i guess i too have grown. i may not have noticed it but maybe i did too. but one thing for sure never changed. i never make the first move. im scared to make the first move. im scared to open a conversation. i talk only when people are talking. i feel the mode and vibe of the people first before talking. i just hope i can change that... maybe c felt that i too have changed. maybe its the reason c never spoke.



if ever ill meet b in the future, hope it would be different from that with c. i think its better to not meet at all and have this imagination of us being friends.



this is just one of the many things burried in my heart as of the moment. one thorn is finally removed.