october 11

when i resolved to chatting, i can't help but wonder if these people are being real to themselves. no one will ever know if they are telling the truth. no one will care too i guess. most people are in for a good time. yeah, i too was there for a good time at first. but somehow as the days pass, i started to look for something else. you'll get bored of the food in front of your monitor eventually. that happened to me. people will look for comfort from people, people need to interact and be a social being. it is a natural urge.

i took the step and started with simple comments. "lol" was a good word to start with; i'm glad it was invented. i was a "loller", the best "loller" in fact... others "lolled" too, but i knew i was the best. lol. it was a pathetic life. some cared but most didn't. and then i grew some courage, spoke some other words. from then on, they knew i could spell more words... it was a huge step. the social urge as they say grew more and more each day.

then came the time that people started to recognise me. some remembered at least. wit was a key factor. i was a natural charmer. it was all with words and nothing else. then came people who started to like and pursue. it was awkward really. but maybe im a natural born flirt, it was never my intention but they fell for me. i am the worst, i must be. so maybe this is what giving wrong signals is. i never had this feeling before. or so i thought... maybe i had. as i waded through this small publicity, i met you.

a simple hi and hello. conversations that kept on for hours was a constant. we promised not to fall for each other. i never did. probably you didn't too. i never had the courage to reveal myself to you. but you were a natural talker too. it was like meeting a duplicate of me. slowly i was barenaked not in a literal way. you will probably shutdown your machine if that was the case. it was easy, not forced at all. i cut down the pursuers as you said, i knew you were happy when i did. i never had any intentions of having this any further but i am a softie. all of a sudden, you made me smile. that was a bad sign. we were constantly joking not to fall but all that time i was already willing to jump this cliff with you. but just as i was about to, you just cant... you were chained down with trouble.

i could not fight against that. you were in that state of uncertainty... you were complicated as you spoke more and more of you to me. i was willing to accept all of that dirt... i really was. i tried to break you free of that chain... i really did. you talked of plans but didn't work for it. you yourself were weighing you down. you were never willing to break that chain in the first place. it was a lossing case... it was hard. but i had to let it go. we were not meant to be. we met at the wrong time.

you were back with your ex. and i have to move on.

i never heard anything from you since oct 11

wet but dry

For some reason i cannot fathom, i happened to be with beautiful-eyes chan and loud-cook on a car. It was probably going somewhere for quite sometime now. We were so engrossed in a conversation i couldn't recall when we passed by a girl acquaintance. For some strange turn of events, we decided to take her with us and have some fucking good time with emphasis on fucking (yeah, this entry is a little for adults only. sorry guys, but i got to write what i got to write). The plan was to have some girl with beautiful-eyes and then me with beautiful-eyes action. I couldn't imagine how great that must be for eyes-chan but it must also be tiring and stressful.

So off we went to loud-cook's abode so we can start at the earliest. With only some drinks offered but never accepted, the girl and eyes-chan undressed and caressed each other: slowly and passionately until only their undies were left--black and purple (i'm very much colorblind but those sure were undies). Lips were so locked up that air couldn't possibly enter. It was hot. HOT hot! Piping HOT hot! And sorry but i couldn't contain myself from not joining the fun. I just had too. I was driven by lust and nothing else. I even forgot what i was there for. My sexuality was out of the question. I just had to do it. I fondled the girl's pinkish part. Yeah i did. And yeah it was wet. But as my fingers tried to dug in further, the girl shrunk and shrunk to the point that even my pinky couldn't fit in any longer. It was a disaster! And a total turn off. It's as if she wouldn't allow any part of me to enter her. Was i that disgusting or horrible to her? I couldn't tell. But the moment i got away, she puffed back to normal and they continued their joy to the last drop. It must have been great, they were covered in sweat. It must have been sweet. And i want to have my share.

It was my turn to get happy finally. And i was excited, or at least some part of me was. I allowed some time for eyes-chan to recover. But the doorbell rang. Damn! A friend of the cook's came. Total disaster! So i waited for him to leave. And it seemed like ages has passed. I got engrossed in the conversation as well.

Then i realized that i was left alone with the girl. And i was comforting her for some reason. In that situation i had bigger issues than her; where are eyes-chan and the cook? The girl talked like crazy: a soliloquy but with me in it. She was complaining about her life. No one has loved her ever since. Hmmm... familiar story; she must have read my autobiography. She was crying and sappy in my arms when eyes-chan and the cook came back. It appeared that eyes-chan and the cook went to church. They must be repenting for whatever sins they are about to commit to my willing body. I gave a smile; I can see the hunger in eyes-chan's eyes and i loved it. Who am i to deny such earthly pleasures? That was enough for me. As we were about to satiate our carnal desires, the doorbell rang, again.

Relatives of the cook were welcomed in and it seems they were not going anywhere else for quite some time. What? It was a disaster? I haven't even touched flesh! I haven't even unbuckled my belt. Prolonging my pleasure for the second time was not what i was looking for. I was desperate but i am not an exhibitionist. This was a dilemma i cannot solve. I was planning to be as expressive (read as noisy) as i can. But all of it turned to waste. Eyes-chan and the cook were also frustrated. But how should we proceed?

I had to wake up from this nightmare, that was the answer. And i did... frustrated...

It was not the pleasure i was after. But it was the frustration from having to wait. It was a bad timing but hindered twice must be an omen. I shouldn't be frustrated by a dream, i know. But this one seemed like a reflection of the reality... I am still single... I am still a virgin.

But i can still dream. Which means that i can still sleep. Which means that i will still be waking up in tomorrow's present.

What a dry wet dream... Nightmare!

blue

no one bothered to mention anything at all. that is what hurts the most. i don't want to be left out, i don't want to feel ostracized. a simple heads up would have been okay. i could have just let it slip away.

what have i done wrong to deserve this? i just can't hide this frustration at all over a small thing.

but why do i feel a little agitated over such a small thing? i don't know... but their reason, though it must have been a joke, only made it worse. and it was never the small thing that mattered.

no one bothered to mention...

no one bothered to tell...

that is what hurts the most.

blinders

is it right to reflect your anger to others? is it right to burst out to people who haven't done you wrong?

i don't think so.

but i guess i have done this a couple of times myself, i admit.

when things don't go your way, i don't think it is right to blame them to others. i always think that things happen because of our own doings. that is why a coward like me do not go that far, for if i do i know i will fall off this flat disc of an earth. but you who have gone far should have known that it is painful once you fall back to the ground. for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction, even physics knows that. so how come it seems that people haven't learned this yet?

i always try to be centered on matters like this and i know that people have limits. but can you please look into yourself first before getting angry at the world? reexamine your deeds and discover the reasons of things. take off those blinders for once and see where people are coming from. it is really quite unfair to hear stuff even you yourself find hard to speak of. you are only seeing your path, be responsible okay. when people tell you words, you immediately clam up and start barking. come on. i get it that you don't want to be told so i stopped. stand up in what you believe in if you insist but do not put down others nor use your powers to bring them harm. what a mighty pen, or keyboard rather. but i know that somewhere down in that smoke filled body, there is still a human who knows right from wrong. be the better man.

words hurt.

frustration

can't hide what i'm feeling anymore....

i waited for him the whole time for all this time but no call nor any message came. is he still alive there??? i wonder. but my pride put me on autopilot, i did not call (i've always called first, i'm sick of doing the same routine)... 

as time went by, i can't hide this anymore; the desire got stronger and kicked my pride out. i invited him out, maybe spend a little time with each other... wahahaha.. i called and called but he won't pick it up... what was he doing at noon???? i called some more and there was an answer, finally. i kept all the questions contained: need to form words out of the many thoughts i was thinking... 

he rejected me... 

he was somewhere else and dropped the call. i don't know what to do now...

hands got colder, stomach grumbled, and the words i tried to hide came out on its own... 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER YOU WON'T HAVE LUNCH WITH ME TODAY??? I COULD HAVE WENT OUT WITH OTHERS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR YOU, LUNCH BUDDY."

noon time drama (coming out soon)

-- out for lunch --