october 11

when i resolved to chatting, i can't help but wonder if these people are being real to themselves. no one will ever know if they are telling the truth. no one will care too i guess. most people are in for a good time. yeah, i too was there for a good time at first. but somehow as the days pass, i started to look for something else. you'll get bored of the food in front of your monitor eventually. that happened to me. people will look for comfort from people, people need to interact and be a social being. it is a natural urge.

i took the step and started with simple comments. "lol" was a good word to start with; i'm glad it was invented. i was a "loller", the best "loller" in fact... others "lolled" too, but i knew i was the best. lol. it was a pathetic life. some cared but most didn't. and then i grew some courage, spoke some other words. from then on, they knew i could spell more words... it was a huge step. the social urge as they say grew more and more each day.

then came the time that people started to recognise me. some remembered at least. wit was a key factor. i was a natural charmer. it was all with words and nothing else. then came people who started to like and pursue. it was awkward really. but maybe im a natural born flirt, it was never my intention but they fell for me. i am the worst, i must be. so maybe this is what giving wrong signals is. i never had this feeling before. or so i thought... maybe i had. as i waded through this small publicity, i met you.

a simple hi and hello. conversations that kept on for hours was a constant. we promised not to fall for each other. i never did. probably you didn't too. i never had the courage to reveal myself to you. but you were a natural talker too. it was like meeting a duplicate of me. slowly i was barenaked not in a literal way. you will probably shutdown your machine if that was the case. it was easy, not forced at all. i cut down the pursuers as you said, i knew you were happy when i did. i never had any intentions of having this any further but i am a softie. all of a sudden, you made me smile. that was a bad sign. we were constantly joking not to fall but all that time i was already willing to jump this cliff with you. but just as i was about to, you just cant... you were chained down with trouble.

i could not fight against that. you were in that state of uncertainty... you were complicated as you spoke more and more of you to me. i was willing to accept all of that dirt... i really was. i tried to break you free of that chain... i really did. you talked of plans but didn't work for it. you yourself were weighing you down. you were never willing to break that chain in the first place. it was a lossing case... it was hard. but i had to let it go. we were not meant to be. we met at the wrong time.

you were back with your ex. and i have to move on.

i never heard anything from you since oct 11

two cases of friendship

the fact that i have no hesitations in telling what i feel towards you means that i believe that the bond we have is strong enough to take it... that no matter what i say, you would take it as an advice... that no matter how different our ideals are, it is for your betterment from my perspective... it is never meant to harm you nor push you away...

but how come this is going nowhere?

of course i didn't expect it to be easy. making you follow my advice is not my goal. all i was asking was for you to rethink. and yes you did think. but how come you are suddenly preaching about friendships? is it too much to ask to be happy for you, you say. but you never told me remember; you didn't ask me to be happy for you. if i didn't blurt out those comments, you wouldn't have told me anything. of course i am happy that you are happy but it would keep me at ease if i knew more details. it would feel better and more genuine if things that might complicate were taken care of first. i don't like this "you and me against the world" scenario. if you really believe that this is it then why keep it a secret? you think there is nothing wrong, i too think there is nothing wrong but please tell those concerned parties. you can keep hating me for not supporting your decision fully. but know that i am still happy for you.

and here is another one...

on the other side of the world, here is another with a blooming heart. keep on dating girl, there is nothing wrong with it. i am happy for your possible first but am sad for myself as well. i can't help but feel a little envious for soon you will be experiencing love. i too want to feel it myself. it aches a little when you reminisce. i want to know more but am afraid to know. and then i smile seeing that shyness while you recall. there is that spark in your eyes. and that makes me happy. i know that envy is wrong but i can drown it in this happiness i feel for you. my story is different than yours and now is your time to be in the spotlight. i don't want to replace you under that (for harsh light can cause damage to your skin. bitter!!! wahahahha...)

gosh!!!

as the years go by

i can't help but wonder... ano kaya ang mangyayari kung naging kami?

wahahahha. wishful thinking lang naman, ano ba kayo. hayaan nyo na ako. kung bakit ba kasi ang torpe torpe ko. ni di ko nga magawang sabihin sa kanya what i'm feeling inside. di gaya ng iba dyan na kung meron mang nararamdaman ay raratsada na agad. hay nako. why is it so hard for me to do the same?

hanggang tingin na lang siguro ako. hanggang silip... hanggang imahenasyon... hanggang... oi over na 'to. baka anong sabihin ng iba dyan. wholesome po ako. kahit makita ko lang ang mga mata nyang nangbibighani habang iniisa-isa nyang hinuhubad ang suot nyang damit ok na sa akin yun. ooops. bweset na keyboard, kahit ano sinusulat. anyway, nakakatunaw kasi mga mata nya. ohhh your eyes your eyes uh uhm uh uhm... shining... (di alam ang lyrics, pasensya). at ang ngiti... bakit ba kasi ganito mga type ko? stop it! stop it!

kung naging kami siguro, buhay ang mundo ko. i'm not saying that it is dead now. i'm not even saying that it is not colorful. well, i think you could say that it would have been brighter and enjoyable. never monotonous. always fun. hmmm... baka magka anne curtis moment din ako, yes i enjoyed it and i'm sure the feeling is mutual.

teka teka, ang layo na nang narating ng utak pero zero sa reality. hay. ikaw naman tumingin sa akin o. kakapagod nang sumilip eh. kahit once lang tapos mag smile ka lang... kodak moment na. wahahahha. hintayin mo na lang ang pag-gigym ko. maaakit ka din ng mga muscles ko. wahahha. bola. at nanaginip na nga ng gising. tinuloy na talaga.

sige lang. libre lang naman mangarap. at ayaw ko din namang mang-agaw kung may nagmamay-ari na (cristine in purple, ikaw na nga). hay buhay. i-blow mo na ang candles mo at ng matigil na ang ilusyon. ay bibili pa pala ako ng cake. bye na muna.

minutes of silence

because of recent happenings, i have been questioning myself lately. for sure it was not intentional nor the circumstance called for it, but a eureka popped up. err... not really a eureka: a eureka is more of a realization/finding of something. this one was more on the negative.

was what i did enough? was i worth it?

it hit me hard, leading to self doubt. why were there so many loopholes if i did right? gosh... i really thought hard. and the more i think about it, the more it bugged me, and the more it brought me down to the pits of hell. i just tried to keep my pride but deep inside i was about to burst into tears. i tried to justify with myself... who was to blame for this???? who had the bigger fault???? but all fingers pointed to me. ouch!

24 minutes passed and all is history.

why would i dwell on what has happened? all i have to do was think of ways on how to do it better than think deep of how to put less blame on me. from the eternal abyss of hell, my spirit was lifted to the peak of mt olympus. energized. ready to face the battles head on. you just wait a little and you will be crushed, speck of dust.



lesson of my story:
haller!!! take life easy oi! how will we be successful if we haven't tried failures? and how will we improve if we haven't questioned our worth? but don't dwell on the failures and questions na lang permi hap. OA ra sad ning uban na di na lang mulihok kay sayop lang daw permi. ewww!!! that will never ever ever happen to me.

conversation between the body and the heart

one day, the body asked the heart. "when i'm hurt i go to the doctor, but if you're hurt then who will heal you?" then the heart said, "i have to heal by myself".

--from a korean drama--

maybe it's because of this that people have different ways to cure the pain. some people do excessive shopping, others travel more with friends. others eat extravagantly, and others start a new hobby. and sadly, others choose to ignore the pain and deceive themselves. whatever it is that heals the heart or alleviates the pain must be done.

others even choose to find a new heart to patch up the broken pieces. some succeeds but others end up with two broken hearts. there is no right or wrong when it comes to it: the heart has to heal itself.

i am not the right person to ask of these stuff; my heart was never badly beaten before. so i too am wondering what i would do if my heart is in pain. i pity those hearts but i pity mine the most; it has never experienced heavenly highs and unfathomable lows. everything is in limbo.

if this heart is pained i guess i'd babble away--try to talk away the pain. i guess i'd smile more to keep me sane. i guess i'd walk all day to hurt my feet more. i probably won't find another heart, i might just crush it down if i would. but then who knows?

how would i know???

i will only keep on guessing...

but for those with hearts hurt, just remember that only change is permanent. pain too will have to leave. hope more pain won't follow right away.

i seriously wish you all to be happy and find that special someone.

be happy and minimize my competition for that someone.

outsider

i am not that active in whatever talk is happening at home. i know that i am somehow at fault in that. i failed to have have conversations lately. who would want to engage in talks about boasting and stuff? i can't do that. i don't have anything to boast. so i'd rather stay out.

there are times where i feel so alone even when i am at home in the midst of my housemates. i know that everyone has secrets, i too have lots. but when all knows about it except me, i can't help but wonder why. don't they trust me?

last night, they went out. they invited my roommate to go with them. but they never mentioned anything to me. they never asked me if i'd like to come with them. they only hid behind the door and whispered to the other. they even forced him to come with them. but never said anything to me. somehow i was affected by that. but i didn't mind it much.

today after coming back from the cinema, they were frolicking on the way back. people who don't know them would surely think they are lovers. it is just too much; looks more like flirting. there is nothing wrong though because both are singles but please please tell me if you have something. i certainly don't like to look odd, i don't like to interfere and even witness your flirtatious acts. and now, they are all outside talking of something they don't want me to know. they even closed the door of my room. it seems like i'm an outsider trapped inside the room inside the house. an outsider that no one even bothers.

it looks like they would only care if they need something from me.

push me back to my shell some more.

i guess i'm just getting too emotional over something irrelevant.

i better sleep now, i don't want to hear the lame jokes outside.

hope i'll get better tomorrow...

i'm not even sure if i'm making sense.

confused, pondered, relaxed

lately, i got the tightest schedule ever. i have worked for like 16 hours a day. is this even right??? where is my human rights for god's sake???? and when weekend came, i would have been satisfied with staying at home lazing around. but no. my housemates got plans and i was dragged again. it was fun though. i was never the planning type but rather the driftwood one--just goes with the flow wherever it may take me. 

so off we went to the beach last saturday. i had so much fun. a friend told me that you have to enjoy both the bodies and the sea when in the beach. unfortunately, i didn't. i was but a child enjoying the sea and the waves and the sun. what bodies was he talking about??? i did enjoy the big body of water in front of me though.

and just when i thought the other plan won't push through, we were immediately on the train heading there. after tiring our muscles, we will destroy our vocal chords. an all-nighter singing is up next. we entered the karaoke room at 11pm saturday. then there was singing... and then there was some dancing and singing... and then drinking and singing... and then suicidal-heartbreak-song singing... and then screaming... then jargon-unknown-unheard of-gibberish-words singing... and then the raspy, husky, no-more-voice singing. we went out at 5am, sunday. i haven't slept at all and i couldn't believe i sang for 6 hours: i sang the whole time with or without the mic. i had the weekend of my life. i never got to rest but all the tension was released. it is all but a positive feeling.

right after all the hysteria, i got to think. of all the good topics i could have chosen, i thought about love and relationships. wow. was this inspired by "just once" of james ingram i sang hours ago? or was it "total eclipse of the heart"? or perhaps "alone" by heart?

i got to think deep and hard, am i satisfied being single? i want to be loved. i want to be longed for. i want to be needed. i want to be taken care of. and i want to likewise do the same to the other. i want to wake up in the arms of another. i want to share my little happenings in life and share the simple joys life can bring. but in as much as i would have loved to gain those things, i am likewise afraid to handle the pain. it is not always bliss in a relationship. there are hardships, as proven by the hundreds of blogs i am following.

ideally, that is what i wanted. all in a dream though. in reality, i am not doing anything at all. what a sloth. i still haven't found the need to be in a relationship. i am too lazy to even think of getting one. i am just waiting to stumble on it. as a blogger had put it, "i want to be a hunter where the prey wants to be eaten", or something like that. what a pity. i am just waiting.. oh i'm sorry, i'm not even waiting because i am not at all anticipating. i am but a speck in the universe where with or without love will still survive. having a relationship would have been better but it is not essential to me now. what a waste... why am i writing this whole block when there was really nothing to write in the first place???

after a day of excitement and pondering, i am now in a day of total confusion. why can't you just say it straight that you want me out of your damn life??? damn it. you told me stuff but then you are doing the total opposite. come on. it is hurting me. it is keeping me from growing this year. it would really be better to say it out loud than keep it inside. stop ignoring me please.

a friend shared earlier that she has been constantly ignoring a person. she is constantly irritated by the person's words so she never replied back... somehow, this made me think about you and i. we rode on the same elevator today but you only gave me your straight face. my all smiley g00d-morning-to-you greeting fell down to basement 1, smashed and stepped on. poor me. i have greeted you enough for this month without even getting your response... i'm tired.. why am i still hurt when i already knew this for months now???

ohh ohhh ohhh

a whirlwind of things...

at least this proves that i'm still alive.

meow meow

what would you do if you want to know the reason behind things?

i have asked regarding this recently. i have always wondered the why's of things. i'm not sure what it will do but my brain just wont stop without knowing the reason. i really don't care if the truth is nasty but my personality is not the type who settles without knowing.

a friend advised to just let things be. you cannot control all things. remember that curiosity killed the cat.

and to my surprise, i told her....

curiosity may have killed the cat, but it killed a satisfied cat.

oh man!!! words of wisdom...

author's warning: the above is not applicable to all. so, handle with care.

painfully unforgettable

till now, i can still recall pieces of hurtful incidents every time i see him... no matter how hard i try to forget things, they are still there... when i thought that it doesn't matter anymore, the moment i see his face everything returns and the feeling is relived. and then i get sad once more... and i self pity... and get angry sometimes...

why won't this brain forget it??? just let it be.. leave him alone... it seems like every time i see him, a dam-ful of emotions is released... hey brain, you have always been my ally. everyone praised your ability to retain information... but that same characteristic of yours is killing you now... why can't you let this small past spill over???

and he looks so normal, as if nothing happened... unlike me who is suffering.

.
.
.

i guess this must be resolved fast... my brain is telling me that i won't be truly satisfied by merely ignoring the person's existence...

tears

i want to cry...

it is a mixture of emotions really but it makes my eyes well with tears. there is this gloomy aura around me. i don't want to cry but it seems inevitable. damn everything.... all i can recollect now are the worst things. i know that there are many to be thankful for but i can't think of any right now. trying to be positive is not working... at all...

it was not like this this morning... everything was fine earlier. how come that after 2 hours of being awake, i am suddenly feeling the worst???

seeing me reflected in the mirror, you look fine... if you had longer nose, it wouldn't fit with your small eyes and mouth... i am not dissatisfied with the way i look but i'm very much disappointed with these pimple red scars left on my face... they are happily living on my face for a year now... seriously, they should leave... their contract is long overdue. i have tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them but they are just stubborn...

"the irritating one" beside me is getting more irritating. her antics are getting to me. the more i hear her non-energetic voice, the more i feel like bursting. she doesn't feel like working, she said... but her keyboard typing sound is non-stop with the many chat windows open in her screen... all she does is chat all day or read a book all day... and she squirms when she sees her crush and looks at me waiting for some assurance or something... i will never appreciate such girly-plastic-doll moves. to hell with that.

emails are flooding asking for advise. they ask for advise even for the simplest, littlest of things... do you seriously need my input for your email asking for closing of server ports???? it is as simple as:

dear server owners,

please confirm the services running on the below ports. application is not using them so please close them as well if they are not needed.

ports xxx, yyyy

thank you,

is there really a need to ask for inputs on this very short email format??? this is another irritant... i am working in the IT industry so sorry for some jargon.

been checking news about my asian addictions, too... yeah, i am a fanboy... and i'm super glad that they will finally be having a concert in tokyo dome. i really wish i can go and see them live.. but the ticket prices are way above my budget... and it is hard to even understand the procedures for buying a ticket... japan is getting weirder and weirder each day. i'm here closer to my addiction but still so far away... go DBSK!!! go TOHOSHINKI!!! i will still support you, though not during your concert... wahuhuhuhu. i wanna cry some more...

finally, i am an avid reader of blogs. these blogs are supposedly a stress reliever, but today it is not working... the blogs post stuff about their relationships... about their simple conversations in bed... about their struggles of wanting to spend more time with the partner... i can't help but be jealous. i too want to have a partner to share things with, cuddle with, lean on, joke with, laugh with, hug with, etc... i think i am a very sensitive person so i will truly enjoy even those simple things... but i have no one to do those stuff to... i only have myself... thinking back, i can't help but remember how brokenhearted i was with usagi-chan. and we were just friends to begin with. but i did share things with him, leaned on him, joked and laughed with him... i wonder how i would have felt if it were a loving relationship and ended so sudden.... we still see each other though and greet with simple hellos. but it was never like before... do i miss him??? yes. does he miss me??? ...

while writing, my heart would like to burst. and my eyes would like to shed... good thing that lunch time is coming...

TT_TT

drunken state...

as alcohol is slowly getting down my stomach and into my head, i am composing this blog. i'm a little tipsy and my world is getting heavy.... is this how it is to be drunk???? my stomach is so so heavy... and big.... and heavy... and big... and big......

today is the despidida for one of my colleague; he will be going home to the philippines after assigned for two years in japan. good for him, he will be going home finally... but thinking about it, i think i have nothing to do back home so it's better for me to be here.

as a despidida, we invited friends over. we invited people who know how to cook... at least we ate delicious home cooked meals.... yum yum... and drank whiskey/whisky after... of all the alcohol i have tried, whiskey is the hardest to take in...

shots came after shots and people changed behavior... its good to observe these changes... but i'm quite surprised to be one of the remaining survivors... i know i'm a little drunk, but at least i'm still sane, i think... i know my world is revolving right now but i have still written this blog. maybe i'm not making any sense in this entry but yeah... just trying to write something and read it when i'm sober. it seems i'm free atthis time so i don't know ... just for fun. ill laugh at all of these tomorrow.

i don't understand at all why people drink. as a friend said, she gets a nice feeling during her altered state... i don't get this at all.. why would you feel nice when you are not even sure of what you are doing, why would you even feel good when you are unsure of what you are doing... unsure of any dangers lurking... my drunk mate just wentout of the apartment, i don't know where to but we did told her to be still... stop... dont go, we tried to stop her... but we all are drunk so no ne can stop... i'm too lazy to even stop her... by the way, she is the one who said she likes the feeling of her altered state... she just came back now and is having er time at the toilet... too much to drink and too much to vomit...

by the way, im doing this blog in a mac machine... i just bought one recently... i overspending money...

now the drunk woman is vomiting all the way, making all the noise... sounds gross but im drunk... ill got over it... bye...

bye...

frustration

can't hide what i'm feeling anymore....

i waited for him the whole time for all this time but no call nor any message came. is he still alive there??? i wonder. but my pride put me on autopilot, i did not call (i've always called first, i'm sick of doing the same routine)... 

as time went by, i can't hide this anymore; the desire got stronger and kicked my pride out. i invited him out, maybe spend a little time with each other... wahahaha.. i called and called but he won't pick it up... what was he doing at noon???? i called some more and there was an answer, finally. i kept all the questions contained: need to form words out of the many thoughts i was thinking... 

he rejected me... 

he was somewhere else and dropped the call. i don't know what to do now...

hands got colder, stomach grumbled, and the words i tried to hide came out on its own... 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER YOU WON'T HAVE LUNCH WITH ME TODAY??? I COULD HAVE WENT OUT WITH OTHERS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR YOU, LUNCH BUDDY."

noon time drama (coming out soon)

-- out for lunch --

consequences

i've been wanting to post my adventures for the past month. i have planned to post pictures of the nice places i've been to recently. spring in japan is the hanami season--the time when people enjoy the sakura(cherry blossoms) bloom its fullest, filling everything with petals before it goes back to the boring green-leafed tree it normally is. hanami is one of those rare excuses to get yourself drunk and feel perfectly okay because everyone is doing the same. in as much as i would like to share the pictures, the procrastinator in me dominated. i have yet to find all the energy to post everything. what a useless introduction this has become. this only shows how chaotic this brain of mine functions.

lately, i have walked a lot and had aches all over my body a lot. it started from all those hanami activities (just trying to make my useless introduction coherent). i have walked a whole year's worth during those activities. aches all over plus the spring sickness (i don't know if this is true but my japanese friend told me that people feel tired during spring for no apparent reason at all) overcame my whole being. and the fighter that i am, i started to jog just to keep the pace of this starting-to-be-active life. how idiotic of me to even start this so called "jogging" on a drizzling night. the last time of this "jogging" season was on a cold wednesday night. yes, it is still cold. we even joked that japan must have only 2 seasons this year, spring and winter. i was expecting it to be at least warmer... i should have headed back home and changed for warmer clothes that time... but no, i went on and jogged. and now, i have all these ruling my body.

i am slightly feverish, my nose has never gone dry, am tired everyday... you can ignore the last one though; who doesn't get tired from this work i am having? i go home late, eat late, sleep late and somehow need to wake up early?!??! go figure why i feel tired. but these illnesses are signs of flu. and you know what, i've been hearing much about the dreaded swine flu enough to scare me and shake my brain. these illnesses i have are now a complex mixture of natural causes and psychosomatic ones...

i need to be well ok... we have planned to invade osaka, kyoto, kobe and nara this holiday. it is quite an expensive trip so i need to feel well to enjoy everything.

immune system, be strong!!! create antibodies as fast as you can... you only have 2 days left before the trip starts!!! i am going whether you feel well or not, so might as well feel well so you can enjoy the trip as much as i do...

PS: i heard usagi-chan's voice again after a long time. i saw him in a friend's desk (ra-tan's desk), so i decided to call that friend up, the perfect excuse was to inform that i transferred seat yet again. ra-tan told me that he is with somebody and usagi-chan spoke up. they asked me to guess who it was.. though i know perfectly that it was usagi-chan, the actor in me spoke other person's names... (i'll hurt your pride) wahihihihi... he never got to tell who he was... i was somehow expecting usagi-chan to come over and check the new place but knowing his current self, that is never gonna happen and it didn't. usagi-chan is really contributing to my headache--another sign of swine flu...

winter all throughout

we moved to a different seat in the office last monday. i have no idea why but there are so many reasons popping in my head. is this a way telling us that we are an irrelevant minuscule of this company??? the closest possible reason i have thought of is that people were complaining about how rowdy we were. we talk loud, we laugh loud, we sing, we browse non-work related stuff(blame it to blogs)... and people around our area are silent people; silent people want to stay in silent places. the management can't move them all so they chose to take us out instead... of course, this is just a product of my imagination. i am just giving grave meanings to simple things.

it has been a month since mister temporary friend (let us call him usagi-chan...) moved out. and yeah i kind of missed him. so i tested the waters, i sent a good morning greeting to him and to our common friend. he never replied back... but the common friend (aka ya-chan) did. so we chatted over the emails. ya-chan has always been kind to me even before and he is still now. his emails reflect that. i did all this last monday...

today is wednesday, i decided to test the waters once again. i informed usagi-chan and ya-chan that i am now sitting elsewhere... like before, usagi-chan remained silent and ya-chan and i chatted... it seems that usagi-chan has lost the ability to use his fingers and type some words. 

later that afternoon, my friend and i was  fortunately invited to a small birthday celebration in the pantry. everything was running smoothly until usagi-chan came in... what the hell... is he invited as well??? we stayed cold toward each other the whole time... it's as if i was blocked from his eyesight, a big void existed in the place where i was at. my other colleague greeted him and she told me right after the party that usagi-chan never responded to her. poor her, she also got the cold treatment.. usagi-chan somehow got the upper hand in the party though. he is japanese and naturally, they all spoke japanese... poor me, my japanese is comparable to that of a kindergarten kid. i failed to understand everything. so there i was trying to catch words and phrases a kindergarten kid could understand but failed miserably. i stayed super silent. this made me realize more how cold he was to me... even ice would shiver when purposely placed in between us...

i guess not all endings are worth it....

soliloquy at solitude

the title is kinda cute. pretty catchy, but it all stops from there. 

for the past 2 weeks, i have been alone in my work place. my seatmate left me and seems like she won't be back at all. why would she be back when all she can ever find is the lowly me, all gloomy and negative... it would have been better if we had other seatmates but nopes, we were placed at a corner with nothing but printers and scanners to listen to everyday. on times where i am bored, i usually browse up sites but this is hard to do in this forsaken place; seniors are lurking near. what a perfect place to shut me up.

at first it was really hard. it would have been better if i were busy with something, but to my surprise i had nothing to do. alone with nothing to do for 8 hours; imagine how bored i am. 

• i joined facebook and added friends to keep me busy. but it was not that long, i ran out of friends. i should start being more sociable.
  
• i started playing games in facebook and concentrated on it. to the people out there who might be amazed and wondered why i leveled up so fast, stop wondering already. it is but a mere result of boredom.
  
• i read all the blogs i can find and commented on almost all of them. i even followed up on comments. the blog world is just crazy and entertaining.
  
• i chewed gum. this kept my mouth busy. excess saliva must be swallowed and is not allowed to pool the keyboard.
• and then i started to explore the workarea, finding people whom i can talk and chat with... how pitiful could i have looked. but it was better than drying up due to boredom... or drowning from your own saliva...
  

i have managed to find a lunch mate and it is quite enjoyable. a lunch without company is just too gloomy (word used twice. this is alarming). i also talked with the temporary friend on the previous posts. i just can't help but talk to him since he sits halfway between me and my lunchmate. and yeah, i don't want to burn bridges. silly me, i could have just smiled back at his stares and walked away. now, the sturdy wooden bridge between us has downgraded to a long, narrow, dangerous swinging hanging bridge with its decaying wooden planks. i would dare not cross over that damn bridge. he might. here is a song dedicated to him. (i also got the time to find song verses. wahihihi.)

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there

Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere

It was you, who chose to end it like you did

I was the last to know

You knew exactly what you were doin'

Don't say, you simply lost your way

They may believe you but I never will

Never again

Never again will I hear you

Never again will I miss you

Never again will I fall to you

Never

i may act stupid ok but i am intelligent.

i was shocked to find out today that his whole team moved to another floor. it made me a little sad. but it also proves that maybe i shouldn't cross that bridge. 

surprisingly though, as i swayed away from him his colleague got closer to me. he came to my seat just to talk. this i appreciated very much and this is what i was longing the temporary friend would do before. i truly appreciate simple acts like this. 

now why did i make this post???? 

because i am bored.

and why was i bored???? 

because the facebook game i was playing is under maintenance. 

また今度!!!

emotions of a cactus

should it be like that???

assures you one day but leaves you for weeks?? am i a fool to even think that it might still work?? maybe to him it will but to me, building trust is much slower than building walls... i just hate the fact that i easily fell for the confession and raised my hopes. 

yes he may be busy but all i am asking is a simple hello. or a simple good morning. he cannot provide those simple things. 

i once had a close friend but he went to singapore to study. the internet was a newly established thing back then and having one is a luxury. we never get to chat but deep inside me nothing has changed. we were still friends, i thought. then there came a time that we have finally discovered messenger, i was ecstatic. but i felt the gap between us every time we chatted. there is just this empty space, vacuous void that i can't fill. we got the chance to meet once but there was nothing there. we grew apart.

now with this experience, i can't help but be paranoid. who says we don't need conversations to stay friends??? i don't believe in that bullshit. how can a relationship grow without words?

conversation is essential in every relationship.

i am no cactus that you can water one day and leave alone for weeks...

the confession

finally, i told the "temporary friend" about the things i felt. i'm glad i did that. as a person, i always want to know the reason behind certain actions so as much as possible i also practice the same. i don't want people to be left clueless. and of course, i was still holding on to that single thread of hope.

so there i was, prepared a draft of what to say and pasted it on skype. racing heart and shortened breathing is all i have left. i immediately closed everything: afraid of what his reply might be. but i was excited at the same time. 

the inevitable came, the reply.... he assured that it was not the case - another way of saying that i was just being paranoid. but i was not contented... i have felt the change and told him about it. "you can come to me anytime you want" he said... great to hear but i don't want that. this was what i was doing all along and was my primary issue; it failed to give me satisfaction. i want to be needed too. i want to be longed for. i think that was too much to ask.

that was my pre valentine gift.

i want to be pursued, i'm tired of pursuing...

temporary friend...

this blog entry is hurting me more. as i write down every word thinking that everything will be alright, more words of nostalgia surface. how can i let it all out when if i try to do so, more and more keeps on coming? i need to let it out so i can try to move on. this has been a heavy burden and i think i can't grow any further with it.

life was peaceful back then until a new acquaintance came. here i was having a heart of stone, felt nothing. it was good knowing a new person but i never thought anything more about that. then we got closer -- became office seatmates. as he revealed more of him, my stony heart cracked. i too shared my life. little by little, more of me was exposed. by this time, he was no more an acquaintance but a good friend. it was good having a seatmate you can share words with-- not that i haven't had one before, but this was different. he was japanese so we shared cultural differences and stuff: i have always been a fan of culture.

like normal friends, we too have had disappointments. it lasted for around 2 weeks. i really never knew the reason for that but one tuesday morning came and he became so silent, never spoke a word to me. and what made it worse??? it was my birthday the previous day. i came to the office all happy and smiley but there he was ignoring me. what the??? he sounded so normal to others but never to me. looking back, i felt so down and low with the way i asked him to tell me what was wrong. i managed to purge little stuff though, he was disappointed. on the friday of the second week, by accident we walked home together. it was a chance for us to speak, i thought. he treated me to dinner and walked me home. gosh!!! you can't come in the house ok, it is like a jungle in there... but after all the commotion and all the disgrace, i can't do anything but sit there at home and blush. we drank alcohol together with all the other housemates. he slept over (keep your scandalous minds on check!) and went home the next day with a headache. everything became history after. we became much closer than before...

i went back to my hometown last december. i told him my goodbyes and all. he gave me a couple more yen to buy 'sake' for the people back home... how thoughtful of him. we said our goodbyes, i'm sure he was sad. on top of that, i have no internet connection back home for three weeks so no chat either.

everything was fine at first when i came back to japan, i even brought him good stuff. but we were no longer seatmates though. i thought that it would still be fine as long as we are still friends. at first,i missed the short nonsense talks we had. then, the chats on skype or ym. then, there were no more usual greetings of hi's and how are you's. everything was back to zero. it's as if we were back to being mere acquaintance. it hurt me when i felt the gap. i can't help but feel used. then i remembered the term my japanese sensei once told me, "temporary friend" -- a friend for that moment only. this is the harsh reality of it. was i one to him????

i still held on to that bond we had once, gave effort on coming over to his area just to greet. but i just can't feel the same warm exchange like before. i just can't feel any enthusiasm. i don't think i can handle this any further. maybe i really was a temporary friend to him -- forced to become friends since we were seatmates. i guess absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. or i guess the culture difference was way too big... today is my last day of trying to save this. yeah we chatted today but then again, it died a natural death. so i guess this is goodbye. i can't handle this drama long enough so i'm letting it out. i guess i'm losing another close friend today. this would be the third time i felt so down of loosing one. how did i strengthen myself back then??? ahhh... when i was like 8, i focused on my studies... at 17, i diverted my full attention on my mathematics degree... unfortunately, i don't want to focus on my work -- it is even more depressing... so i still have to think of this part.

i'm not closing doors by the way. i still hope this is just a phase and will pass after some time. there is still that tiny bit of light that says maybe he is just too busy. but i'm stopping from reaching out. it's just that i'm too tired of coming out of my shell. i need to come back and restore energy. this is how much i value friendship... what a sore loser... waaaah... emo mode once more... but i'm stopping here. promise! yeah, i am a bitter loser so let me be bitter for once. with this blog, i am closing my emotions and starting anew. here i come to a new chapter.

adios!!!

54 - designer labels

why are people giving labels??? why should there be labels to all
things??? does it always have to be like that???? why can't just there
be gray areas in between black and white???? does giving labels mean
that they know persons all that much???? and even make them feel
greater???? or even better???? do you even know how the other feels by
doing such????

i'm just so very confused and very disappointed right now...

people you think you are confident to share things with have turned back against you....

how do you think i feel after all these????

too bad... i better shut up now...
 

melodrama........44

They say that Filipinos love dramas. I have no idea how they
were able to come up with it. But now I just realized that yes, maybe they do:
maybe we do.

I am not fond of dramatic movies. In fact, I would rather watch comedies and
horrors rather than drama. I just can’t stand the drama. But as I was watching
a non-dramatic TV show (WOWOWEE) today, I just cant believe how affected I was.

The show was held in Reno and Filipinos in America gathered and filled the
stadium. There was a part in the episode where they showed their past
contestants as a tribute to all tfc subscribers who helped the show. It was
also an appreciation of the Filipino spirit who always smiles even in the midst
of a storm. It started with clips of past winners who jumped with joy, filled
with laughter, then of clips with little tears but still smiled after it all. There
was a man who got reunited with his mom after having no contact for decades,
there was woman who expressed her love for her husband after decades of staying
silent. Then there was a taho vendor who vowed to continue his studies now that
he has won an amount. All of them had tears in their eyes. Now as the clips
rolled, I became emotional. Tears started to form.

Then there was a boy who expressed his gratitude to his dad for raising him and
said that even though they were poor, he is still thankful for everything. By
this time, I was now rubbing tears from my eyes. I just can’t take it
anymore. I'm not really the emotional type but I have soft spots for real life
people telling their stories of guilt, affection and appreciation.

Then there was a disabled child (sorry for the term) who even with his ailments
has always stayed cheerful. He sang "hawak kamay" with all his heart
even though he could hardly open his mouth and pronounce the lyrics. It was
just an inspiration. His mom tried to hide her tears and you can see that they
were happy but wished that it could be better. More and more tears are now
forming in my eyes watching that scene. I was smiling the whole time but my
heart was torn and inspired at the same time.

I have no idea why every time I watch scenes like this, this always happens. I
can always think of how miserable their life is; easily gladdened by things I
usually took for granted. It always reminds me of how lucky I am, that I shouldn’t
even be complaining because I have what others don’t. If only my life would be
simpler then I guess I would have appreciated more things. From the stories of
these real people, I would appreciate the beauty of my life. Hopefully, I can
start making this world a better place to live in as well.

Melodramas....