those little nothings missed

for a little over than a week now, i have been working my butts off as if there is no tomorrow. in just that short span of time, it makes you realize the importance of small things.

1. i miss eating dinner together with my housemates
• it is not the eating per se but more on the small talks that comes with it. i haven't spent much time with them yet. solong solo ko na sana ang mga ito pero ngayon pa talaga naging ganito ka busy. hay buhay, napakamapaglaro mo talaga. gusto ko nang laruin ang mga housemates ko. parang ang sagwa pakinggan pero go pa din.
2. i miss lunch time with my officemate
• and he happens to be a housemate as well. last resort ko na sana ito para malaman ang mga kaganapan sa loob ng bahay ng mga aliping saguiguilid(metaphor lamang po, of course our situation is nowhere near the aliping saguiguilid status). and there it goes, my last resort just puffed. i miss the short non-work related break. i miss the going-to-the-combini-together-to-buy-snacks. i miss our happy days and our happy times. if we were only in the same room then it would have been ok. this really sucks. (oi oi oi... pampakilig ra ni na number actually. bwahahahha.)
3. i miss the nonsense chat with online friends
• what else can i say, i have been spending the whole time trying to plan this project out. thinking hurts you know. and trying to explain yourself in another language is triple the headache. i have not experienced anything close to this i think(if you know me you would know that this is an exaggeration. there are so many other things more TROUBLEsome than this).
4. i mss my online drama and online anime
• i haven't seen my korean and japanese stars(both human and drawn) for a long time now.
5. i miss my japanese class and test
• usually, meron akong 1 hour class na nihongo sa umaga. eh paano ngayon yan ni wala nga akong oras para uminom ng tubig. ay oo nga pala, miss ko din ang uminom ng tubig. balik muna tayo sa test. ang hirap naman din kasi nitong mga kanji na ito. kung madali lang eh di sana hindi din ito tatagal ng isang oras din. pero nakakamiss din pala. gusto ko nang maging grade 5(mga kanji na pang grade 4 pa lang kami ngayon).
6. i miss drinking water
• as i'ce said earlier, nakakalimutan ko nang uminom ng tubig. i usually drink 3 bottles of water but i can't hardly finish one right now. my mind is always somewhere else that it can no longer trigger my hand to grab the water bottle for me to drink.
7. nakakamiss din mag blog
• as if palagi din akong nagboblog. pero miss ko talaga siya ngayon. at least dati nakakapagisip ako, "ano kaya ang magandang iblog? hmmm... paano kaya isulat yun? hmmm... eh meron kayang babasa? hmmm... ay h'wag nalang, tinatamad ako." o diba may choice. pero ngayon, "ano nga yang blog?".

but then at the end of the day (night i mean), i am still alive. and as the song says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... stronger...

hay.

i'd rather go to the gym and be stronger than experience this whole thing. but since i am a little masochistic, i guess this is fine. gosh, i am full of contradictions.

gym virgin no more

at 152lbs last friday, i started going to the gym. i'm not even sure how i landed at 152, i always weigh more at home. plus, i just had a birthday bash till dawn from the previous day. but let's cut this before i drift further about the weight, this is my very first gym experience.

when the company offered, i just enrolled. i had no plans of being a regular or of even going to the gym. i was even hesitant because of the very limited free time i have. every working day is hectic and every weekend is sleep. but i enrolled nonetheless, all because of the low fee. at less than 400 a month for a year, that is a good enough catch right?

last nov 3, the gym services officially started. people went there right away and gave me some idea of what to expect. until finally i decided to go. good thing i had company. for if not, i would have postponed it till next day. i always hate first times. i am shy at first times. so there i went with them. the gym was quite spacious, i'm not quite sure if its the regular size though. as i've said, i am a virgin in gym-ing.

first thing they did was get my account. so i filled up the form and searched for my name in the attendance sheet to sign. to my surprise, the sheet was a total let down. my name had a horrible spelling--all vowels in my last name were wrong. i reported that to the staff. i hope they would change it.

like any other gym for sure the locker room was the place for changing clothes. the toilet and shower area was also in there. there were men chatting inside. they must be gym regulars for they seem to know each other well but don't seem to be workmates. gym buddies should i say. and like any men conversation, sex or anything related to it always comes in the picture. one said that his body is already getting in shape more and more. and one replied that he should be careful, the more he lifts weights the more his weeny will become smaller. that gave everyone a laugh, i secretly smiled of course. these guys might kill me if i'd do more. that was the very first lesson i got, be careful with the weights. i went out right after changing clothes.

hachijojima 2009 sept, 21-23 day 2(the beach experience 2)

what a beautiful morning. i woke up with adventure in my head. we readied for the day and embraced the sun, off we went at 6:30am.

oh we had to climb down the woods once more but i heard no complaints. this must be the effect of the the cool, fresh air. we reached the main road finally. and it was deserted. nothing. complete calmness. we can have photo sessions for hours in the middle of the road. uhmm, how are we to reach our destination again?

oh my god! as i've mentioned, this is another unending travel... by foot!

first on the list, fureai bokujou near the peak of hachijou-fuji. all mountains seemed so easy to climb after the fuji expedition. we were initially told that we can hitch hike to the top but where are the damn cars? halfway there, we were still on foot. the long winding road was breathtaking though.

hachijojima 2009 sept, 21-23 day 1(the beach experience 2)

this one was actually not a beach experience per se but more like an island escapade.

hachijojima is an island in the pacific about 300 kilometers down south from tokyo. though relatively far, it is still under tokyo government. now what have gotten into our minds to even go there? i don't know really, but it sure was fun and lots of exercise. wahahha.

we rode on a ferry from tokyo on the 20th night time. surprisingly, the ferry was quite stable; i would hesitate riding one in the philippines especially if it takes this long. the whole trip took around 12 hours with a sore butt. it was broad daylight when we reached the island. no complaints though; the air was fresh.

temporary boredom

in my 24years of existence, i have been thinking again. it's not that i am so bored today to even start this alien "thinking" hobby. yes i am bored but don't get me wrong, this thinking did not spark from there. though i admit, boredom may be a catalyst.

i have been thinking, why am i this bored today?

then i realized that i am not mentally challenged in my work now. i have lost interest. it has become a routine and i have been avoiding that from the start coz i know that this might mean the end. there is nothing out of the ordinary, everything seems normal and lifeless.

even my colleagues are leaving one by one. though i don't want to be left alone, but i can't stop them. it really is better for me to leave than be left behind. i just hate the feeling. i was so accustomed to them being around and then they fall. it is frustrating.

and then i thought, possibly i'm burnt out. i have been working all my life even before i graduated from the university. this is probably the downside of having some "brilliant" mind (self acclaimed).

and then...





(*stopped writing and found something interesting to do)

time

without me realizing it, time has passed so quickly.

last friday night, i had a late night work activity starting at 10pm with the deadline after an hour. with a blink, the hour passed and i had to call up for extension. after half a blink, postponed.

1 hour seems like a blink. if only the second hands turned a little slower then the hour would be longer.

it seems like yesterday but my overtime work has been happening for 2 months already.

it seems like a week ago but its been 2 years living in japan.

i now start to wonder about the future. i shouldn't be doing. i don't want to think some more. i just want to sleep and be free from the traps of corporate slavery.

can i turn back time to the point where they asked me if i want to continue for another year? i want to experience what it would have been if i said no.

worn out

if life is always as busy as this, is it possible to pause for a while???

i don't want things to stop but i also want to rest and enjoy the slow paced life.

it has been 3 weeks of relentless nights. i have spent most of my day at work. who wouldn't want to take a rest and stop? who wouldn't???

i've been bugged by lots of calls and confrontations telling issues of this and that everyday. who wouldn't want to take a rest???

it is not only you guys who are in this trouble so it is much better if i know at least what you've been doing. if only i could tell them all to contact you guys instead, then it would be so damn fine not to know a thing at all.

what i hate most aside from the fact that i pretty know very little about things happening is that action is soooooo slow. i ask for something at this time and ask for status in the next hour, oh i forgot about that... ask again in another hour, ah yeah i'll do that now... in another hour, what was this about again. next time you call, they get irritated. wtf!!! it is me who gets to go to command room and perform something in the wee hours, it is me who answers emergency calls, it is me who gets to apologize for your slow action affecting other people. and i really hate having less control/grasp over something. i hate the feeling of worthlessness...

they eat back there while i am starving over here. but i've learned. i'll eat when hungry, no buts... take care of your damn issues while i'm out.

the difference in our philosophy greatly shows now. while others want to slowly work their way, taking their time to fix something doing the same uneventful stuff over a long period, i on the other hand want to fix it as soon as possible and take my much deserved rest without any worries. i really don't want to worry the same thing over and over and over.. and i can only stop worrying if i know that everything is running fine.

and somehow i am wondering why all tasks are taken by 2 people only...

maybe i am to blame... for trying to give my all to what i'm doing... for being a martyr.

maybe they should pick another guy to handle their stuff: someone who doesn't give a damn about anything would be great perhaps.

maybe it's time to...

exhausted

i'm so so tired....

a comrade asked me recently, are you happy with your life? back then, i was happy... i still saw something to be happy in this mundane life of mine... back then i was philosophical.. no one is satisfied with their life because man is insatiable.. i too am insatiable but i'm happy discovering how insatiable i can become... i got that simple thought... though i am in constant rant, believe it or not, i am happy...

but don't you dare ask the same question now... i will only accept it as sarcasm...

this is so tiring...

oh please, give me a break...

i need a day-off...

cells need to rest...

48--- should i celebrate or what?

i woke up this morning to find out that my body is aching so badly. i must have really played hard badminton yesterday. i guess this is what happens if you don't get to move your muscles constantly. what do you expect from a programmer? we only move our fingers and out brains... move brain... move...






anyway, today is a sunday and good individuals like me (yup i'm good, no need to comment on that) celebrate mass (yes that's celebrate according to the priest long ago). and we were late so we have no place to sit. this is not unusual though since we always get late and most of the time it is my fault... yeah i am slow... yeah... i have many things to do ok.




during the communion we followed the queue patiently. there were only few people in front of us so it really wasn't that long a wait. now, two women started to make another queue beside us. now there are three lines. why can't they just fall in line? why do they have to make their own line? this really pissed me. why are they in a hurry? all of us will eat the host so why should they come up in front as if the hosts are not enough? gosh this really sucks... why are there people who doesn't follow simple common sense rules? if there is a queue, its common sense to fall in line at its tail. isn't that obvious enough?




things came into my head. if this happens in front of god, more so when its outside? these people are the murmurers of the society. all they do is complain but they themselves are not doing their part. if simple rules like this is easily broken, then more so are laws. i just can't imagine what is so important in having the host before others... why can't they just line up? they are really creating a fuss... the nerve of those women. they look educated enough but they certainly don't have discipline. it would have been better if they inserted and somewhat people on the line gave way to them but no they didn't... they made a separate queue...




let us be disciplined ok.... they surely took the road less traveled (referring to the poem) but that road leads down to hell.... rot in hell and never come back... (what a reaction.)








ps: i watched uaap cheerdance and hurray to the up pep squad for bringing home the bacon... i will surely take a bite... wahahahha...






ps2: i just realized that it has been a year since i started blogging... and the first of which was in friendster... hurray to friendster...

四十三.... the pissed, bored life

it all started with a summer outing which was very enjoyable.
たのしい　夏休み　が　すべて　の　はじまった。

everything was fine and relaxing and all. clean, fresh, white. laughter, joy, gladness. and now that im back in the city, the worst just happened.

i took the chance to be away from work last monday, 21st of may. i asked for a sick leave (muscle cramps and stomach ache which i really felt though if i didnt, i would have given another excuse). i was planning to surf the web the whole day.

i turned on my pc and was happy to be back online after 2 days of zero internet life. i was very pleased browsing at sites i love. i was just checking something when my pc rebooted. i thought it was ok because it already happened in the past. and then i was online again... not until it rebooted once more. then rebooted, and rebooted, and on and off and on and off.

i contacted a computer shop and brought my cpu there. paid for the taxi and went in. everything seems ok there. nothing is wrong. my pc started well. i waited for at least an hour and no rebooting happened. they used all the memory of my pc to make sure if it really wont happen but it didnt. so they cleaned my cpu and advised to reinstall and reformat my cpu. so i bought and external hard disk and paid for their service. went home and paid for a cab.

i plugged it in immediately when i got back and thought that it wont happen again. but i was wrong, it rebooted after a few minutes. now im pissed, i brought my cpu to a friends' house and plugged it there. and to my surprise, it worked well for straight 2 hours... i transferred important files to my mobile hd with hassle. now im puzzled. what do these places have that i dont?

i went back home and reinstalled my operating system(a pirated windows xp professional). i got no problem while doing it. i thought it would reboot in a short while in the middle of the installation but it didnt. i was now glad and hoping that maybe the problem will now be solved. i turned it back on and yoohoo it rebooted once more. f@%k...

i went back to work the next day although i felt drained. at work, all i can think was my pc. i asked my collegues and friends about this and their guess was as good as mine. they suggested that i should buy an avr.one ven suggested that the problem lies with the house and to fix the prob, we should transfer to a new house. of course i cant do the latter so i tried the first. i paid for the avr and bought it home. wow!!!! it didnt help either.

yesterday at the office, i told everyone of the good news--my life sucked. now another advised thats maybe its with the extension cord. and the fool i am, i bought one immediately. we now have a collection of extension cords at home.

now i can say that maybe its with the electricity. yes, its with the house. i have no idea why or how but i can say its with the house. im now advised to buy a ups but im skeptical on this. i should first know if this is really the solution. i just cant waste money now or ill be broke. the next pay day is still far away. im thinking of calling the computer shop again and ask for their advise, or even call the power company on their idea on this.

to be continued...
うつつ。。。

bureaucracy (27th...)

just this morning, a fuss happened. action was supposed to happen. the management heads were trying to get to the root by tasking someone to do it. but because of bureacracy, no action was taken... yet... i dont know what is to happen but i do hope its for the betterment of everyone.


when i was new in here just trying to know the people, the system and all, i committed a grave mistake so they say... i have posted this before in here. i was tempted to do a stupid thing and yes i fell in the trap. i was just thankful that it didnt really make that much of an impact on my evaluation. now i can see myself lasting longer in here.


after a month or so from my regularization, i was transferred to a different room filled with oldies (not in their age but in their work experience). i was very anxious to even enter the room at first and when i do enter, i never want to get out. there is an aura in the room--that of seriousness and silence. i dont want to get anybodys attention whenever i pass by. but now that ive been here for a longer time now, that feeling was gone.


ive posted before that i got a memo on playing dota. but what surprised me in this new room was that many oldies are playing the game and yet nobody got a memo for it. i refrained from joining them. i refrained from having a copy of the game on my pc. i said that i will never do it again because of the memo trauma. they only replied that memos apply only to newbies or something like that. i was really turned down by this statement. they played openly even if bosses are still there. at least when i played the game, i made sure that the coast is clear. but they were different. its as if no one can stop them from doing the things they like. now i can say that there really is such a thing as favoritism.


this world is really not fair. i have known this long ago but i never thought that even in a place like this, there is something as seniority. people even turn the blades back at you when you try to complain just like what happened this morning to a friend of mine. when you try to fight the seniors, they tend to help each other out in crushing you down. and whats most disappointing is when you treat them as your friends and they push you in the end.


if only there is no such thing as bureacracy. if only people are judged on their performance alone. if only...

second post for the day.... (depression sinks in)

hay, nganong lain man akong feeling karon oi... feeling depressed kaayo... kapoy... ambot lang.... laay kaayo.... ikaduha na ni nako na post for this day and still i feel that i need to post more...



yesterday i watched the free japanese film at ayala and though it was r18 i can't see anything which makes it one... whaihihihihi... okay okay, there were scenes not meant for kids but they were short and were very funny. and it was not on a lustful context.


we, i and shiela, planned to watch the movie together and keep up with each other... (its hard to find real friends you know. especially at my status where i treat everyone as friends, its hard to know who are real.) and we met other UPians there too. UPians must really be a fan of any free movie... wahihihihihihi.... (hope to see them in the next film festivals to come--cine europa, chinese, australian, etc.) its just good to see and hear others doing well after school. i can also see an invisible bond which keeps us UPians together... though im not an active part of the campus, never been to any rallies, never accomplished something worth bragging for the school, i can feel the UP spirit in me...



ive never been very vocal with regards to political or any other issues but i do have a side... i take stand on things... i just dont believe that rallies can make a very big change...  im so sorry but there are just other things that i believe are more effective than rallies... im fed up with all the rallies here and there demanding the administration to step down... but i dont think that stepping down is the real answer to all this... i think if we only start with ourselves, surely there will be a change... anyway, i dont know why im writing about this now or even why im acting this way. i guess im just affected by the blog i just read... the blog of "coconuter".



im sick of all people making everything possible to be close to you just because of the status or anything you have... its plain bullshit... why is this world so dependent on status? why cant we all just live together harmoniously? why do we filipinos have to kiss somebodies ass just to gain a little increase in possition? i dont know why im writing about this but i think im just tired of everything...



why do filipinos regard of anything foreign as something good??? why do they think that when someone goes abroad, swerte? i just dont know... im sick of this system... why is it like that? i dont know... i dont know why im having this outburst even...



hay i dont know.... i just dont know.... maybe im thinking of my future already... maybe im worried of what the future has instored for me... i just want to live peacefully, enjoy the little blessings that come... i actually dont want to achieve much... but i dont know... there is just something in me that me myself dont want to accept... there is something that i dont want to face... there is this void, dark place in me that i want to fill... i want to experience everything... but i havent tried them because of the norms of society... i dont want to stay this way forever... i dont know... there is this hunger for more... there are some things you cant do because of your repuation but damn those reputations... i dont want to be bound.... i want to be free. i want to......


hay... its just now that ive realized that the way ive lived for the past 20years was empty... it was fulfilling but i should have experienced more... and now that im working, i dont know if i still can try them.... i dont know.... i want to try other stuff... i want to explore what else i can do... i dont know... i dont know...



but as much as i would like to try new things, im scared of what might happen... im scared....... im scared... oh god what is this im feeling....