fall

yeah, i already promised to myself not to write emo stuff again but i can't help it.
i can't help but wonder what wrong i have done...

hmmm...

well...

i guess this is goodbye...
and this is what i was most afraid of...

us drifting apart.

ow sorry, there was never an us.
that was all in my dreams.

i guess this is me backing off
coz it really hurts.

and i was willing to throw myself into it but i can't jump off when it seems no one is there to catch me or even pick me up...

2 days' worth

so this must be rejection,
this must be misfortune.
for one second i thought it was heaven,
but then it was hell.

i kept it to myself how i felt lost.
but you were there and held me up,
and we talked it through,
and i was ok for a while,
and you seemed nice, too.
and it seemed that we clicked,
and i began to feel again,
and wished to be with you.

i never asked but you came,
and for a second i embraced it all.

but...
it hurts...

i can't have you.
you were different,
you were looking for something else.
so this must be why you said to take it slow,
this must be the real reason.
you were just not that into me.
you were not feeling me at all.
i should have read the signs earlier,
i felt so stupid to trust and feel,
but it is a process.
it hurts...

i tried to reach out,
i really tried to.
i am alone again.
i have no hold over you...
it really hurts how one second you made me feel hope.
i must have looked pitiful.
it must be pity for i can't find any reason at all.
i just can't...

i was back in hell...
but for one second i thought it was heaven.
this is my misfortune,
this is rejection.

wants and wishes

i just stumbled upon this block of letters above that i would like to share with you guys. this actually came from twitter (i'm completely ripping it off @iTweetFacts' tweet ). what amazes me though is how it claims to tell you what you want in life. i mean, seriously? can a random block of letters really tell me what i want? skeptic but i did gave it a try in the end.

LOVE - hmmm. interesting! hmmm yeah! who doesn't want love? duh! but secretly, i was pondering over this for quite some time now. seriously, i'm starting to think about settling down. i want to have my own home where i can return to, my own family who will welcome me and kiss me when i get back from work, my own private harem. oops! all of these except the last, can only be realized with love. so yeah, i wanted it. i'm craving for it in fact.

HAPPINESS - wow! this i can also understand. who doesn't want to be happy? hello?!?!?! with so much negativity around, to be happy seems like a privilege. surprisingly, i have started to block out the negative thoughts recently. in fact, the best advice i got yesterday was for me to block all the people who will only give me wrinkles. so far, i think i have done well. i want to give myself a pat in the back (this is not in the block of letters though, T^T ). reconsider old hobbies, uncover pent up emotions, explore the unexplored facets of me -- these are my plans to happiness.

EXPERIENCE - bwahahahaha. exposed!!! and i was about to call this letter block a hoax. bwahahhaha... yeah i am a virgin in many ways. so... yeah, i want to experience many things in many ways. on second thought, i need to experience them ASAP. this made me laugh, for goodness sake. this block of letters can really tell what you want in life. i can attest to that.


try it and see its power. :D

romeos

i watched a rather interesting film last night and i would like to share it with you guys. pardon for my naivety; i do not watch movies for their cinematography nor any other technical aspects (i do admit that costume and set sometimes triggers me to watch movies). but i watch movies either because i am intrigued by the movie (plot included), the actors look great (contributes around 70% for less advertised movies), there is some fun involved (that includes either comedy or hot seduction), or any mix of the above. that is how unreliable i am.

here is my write-up for Romeos, a 2011 German film.

let me start by saying that the movie was really something. it started with a man, Lukas (rick okon), who just moved to Cologne and was accidentally assigned to the female dormitories. well at least that was what it seemed to me initially. the first scene was awkward with Lukas entering the toilet examining himself in the mirror and then suddenly a woman with towel wrapped around her body(obviously from the shower) came in view. she then screamed her lungs out.

lusang gitisud

bisan ug asa ka pa anaa, naa gyuy mga panahon na wala kay lingaw. dinhi sa japan, kay pwerte man ka paspas sa internet, aw natural, ang among buhaton aning mga alaut na panahon kay may kalabutan sa internet.

sa usa ka adlaw'ng alaot, na bore gyud ko. ambot unsay nisulod sa akong utok atong mga panahuna nga nag-apil-apil man ko ug chatroom. pwerte sad nakong lingawa hinuon kay aligre man sab kaayo ang mga gipangchat sa mga tawo. pero mao lagi na, pareho sa kasagarang chatroom daghan sad kaayo mag flirt-flirt. nalibog gyud ko pero karong panahuna murag tanang tawo kay bigaon na man siguro oi. sorry kaayo sa term pero ambot oi, kung walay biga kay di man siguro managhan ang chatroom. aw naa sad bayay mga tarong sa sugod, pero biga ra gihapon ang padulngan (kasakit! naunay ko. wahahhaa).

nag hilom-hilom pa ko pag-una; lisod baya ning wala ka kahibalo pa kung unsay mga kalihukan. unya silang tanan kay murag dugay nang kaila baya. nagbasa-basa ra sa ko ug mga messages ug nagsigi ug agik-ik. sa wa lang damha nagreply na ko ug "lol @ pangan". mura ra sad ni'g akong kalaki sa facebook sad ba na kusog kaayo mo like. well unsaon ta man na wala may like sa chat gud. pwerte gyud nakong pagkalingaw sa ilang mga gipang isturyahan.

ug sa dihang naay ni message sa chatroom na nangita daw siya ug friend, kinsa daw ang ganahan. aw nimessage ra sad ko na ganahan ko. sa laktod na pagkaisturya, nag chat na mi sa skype. o sosyal, nag skype-skype na. sturya mi ug work, iyang uyab, ug iyang mga plano sa kinabuhi. ug kay naglisod baya ko'g filipino gamay, nagsige ra gyud ko ug ngisi. amaw-amawan lang ang show ba. nagpakita dayon siya ug pictures niya sa facebook, ug niingon na "ang panget ko no?". aw ang ako sad, care ko kung panget  na friendship ra baya gyud akong tuyo. ako na lang sad giclick. kung laing tawo ang motan-aw ato for sure normal ra gyud to na nawng. unya unsaon ta man na hilason man ko, taas-taas baya ko ug standards unya di man gyud siya kapasar... naglibog na dayon ko kung unsay itubag. alangan man sad ug ingnon nako na "ahh ikaw to? sige busy pala ako, chat you next time na lang". honest gyud diay siya, ako na lang gi-ingnan na "ahh ikaw to, angayan lagi imong uyab. (in filipino of course. bwahahhaha)". 

ug sa dihang nikalit na man siya ug ingon na love na daw ko niya. hala! kakuyaw! murag usa ka oras pa gani ta nagchat, unya diba naa man kay uyab? tanga-tangahan mode nasad ko, aw gikataw-an lang sad nako. palihis topic, gisukit-sukit ug maayo sa iyang uyab. nitubag ra sad ang kagwang. sa pagkadugay sa sturya, nibalik na sad ug "i love you". samoka! ako sad giingnan, "akala ko ba friends lang hinahanap mo?". ug gireplyan sad ko'g, "may kasunod yun, or a serious relationship. ano ba intindi mo dun?". aw ako ra sad giingnan na abi nako ug friendly relationship. unya nangutana dayon siya kung love sad daw ba nako siya. hala kuyawa! lupig pa man shotgun ani. mura siya'g lusa na lami tusdon (sugod karon, panganlan na siya nako'g lusa). while nagsige siya ug labyu-labyu nako, nagsige sad ug panghatag ug number ang kagwang sa chatroom. nagsige pa gyud ug panghagad ug eyeball sa bisan kinsa na lang tawo. ataka! mao na diay ni lab-lab run, "one-to-many relationship"? nahurt akong pride da, ako sad gireplyan sa chatroom na "go @ lusa". ug ni katawa ra sad. nibalik na sad ug chat nako sa skype na love lagi daw ko niya. ako sad siya giingnan na "di kasi ako naniniwala sa long distance relationship (samot na sa through chat lang no). but we are friends". winner!!! 

hangtud karon kay nagsige lang gihapon mi ug chat. aw don't get me wrong, lingaw man gyud siya ka chat kung dili lang maabot sa labyu-labyu. ako siya na-pangutana once na kung modemand ko na buwagan ang iyang uyab, iya bang buwagan. wow nice kaayo ang tubag, mao daw na ang kondisyon niya sa iyang mga nakarelasyon na dili daw niya buwagan iyang uyab. hala! unsa ni, disclaimer??? "no other woman" ang role nako ani da. bwahahhaha. di ko mabuhi ana oi. possessive baya ko, ang akong ganahan kay ako ra ang center sa iyang attention. kacute ra nako ah, dapat na siya makontento nako oi!

nalibog sad gyud ko kung nganong naa gyu'y mga tawo na feeling kaayo na god's gift to humanity sila. love as many as you can... share yourself to all... ang problema pa gyud kay kaning mga tawhana kay dili pa gyud kaayo mga ambongan. haller!!! lusa ra ka oi, wa ka nalipong??? "one-to-one" ra man gani si anne curtis ug si erwan(feeling close?!?!?!?!).

the art of breaking up

when things get tough, what do you usually do? when things don't go the way you planned, how do you usually react? when relationships get sour, how do you spice it up?

i don't know what i'll do if it were me. i'd probably fight back. i'd probably try to save everything. i'd probably search for what i could have done better. i'd probably act on them and regain what i once had. i'd probably face reality and not try to hide from it. no more drama. this is war.

but, it isn't my story. it is not about me. but if it were true, good thing no one cried. if it were true, the timing is so perfect it seemed not real. the curse of being away must really be true, i was a victim too.

i can't help but wonder, what went wrong? but i'm never gonna ask; let things unfold as i witness them. here comes the denial stage. go things! unfold some more.

two cases of friendship

the fact that i have no hesitations in telling what i feel towards you means that i believe that the bond we have is strong enough to take it... that no matter what i say, you would take it as an advice... that no matter how different our ideals are, it is for your betterment from my perspective... it is never meant to harm you nor push you away...

but how come this is going nowhere?

of course i didn't expect it to be easy. making you follow my advice is not my goal. all i was asking was for you to rethink. and yes you did think. but how come you are suddenly preaching about friendships? is it too much to ask to be happy for you, you say. but you never told me remember; you didn't ask me to be happy for you. if i didn't blurt out those comments, you wouldn't have told me anything. of course i am happy that you are happy but it would keep me at ease if i knew more details. it would feel better and more genuine if things that might complicate were taken care of first. i don't like this "you and me against the world" scenario. if you really believe that this is it then why keep it a secret? you think there is nothing wrong, i too think there is nothing wrong but please tell those concerned parties. you can keep hating me for not supporting your decision fully. but know that i am still happy for you.

and here is another one...

on the other side of the world, here is another with a blooming heart. keep on dating girl, there is nothing wrong with it. i am happy for your possible first but am sad for myself as well. i can't help but feel a little envious for soon you will be experiencing love. i too want to feel it myself. it aches a little when you reminisce. i want to know more but am afraid to know. and then i smile seeing that shyness while you recall. there is that spark in your eyes. and that makes me happy. i know that envy is wrong but i can drown it in this happiness i feel for you. my story is different than yours and now is your time to be in the spotlight. i don't want to replace you under that (for harsh light can cause damage to your skin. bitter!!! wahahahha...)

gosh!!!

feb 14

hmm... since everyone is doing it, here is my valentines blog.

as usual, i don't have any date. it has been like this since the beginning of my existence. but this does not mean that i am not happy. you will not hear any complaints from me for being single. i just wish i would have someone to share valentines moment with but having none is perfectly fine.

on feb 14, i received a very good invitation. a friend proposed to have a vacation in baguio. i've never been there so i immediately said yes. why not? and right then and there, we booked flights. see you in baguio on the 26th, 27th and 28th. excited!!!

what a great valentines day it was.


ps: on feb 16, i received my pension from japan. a considerable amount is now in my bank account. i paid all my credit card bills right away. free from burden, i'm thinking of ways on how to earn more from this. the good news just keeps on coming. hope it never ends. wahahahahha

100 truths

since i have nothing to do then i'll try this. enjoy

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = coffee mocha from a one peso vending machine
2. last phone call = Aime Amor, regarding a CMR for RM. (super work related)
3. last text message = to Tiny informing her of how to get to Boracay from Caticlan
4. last song you listened to = Kahit Isang Saglit by Martin Nievera
5. last time you cried = earlier today after some chinese mentholated stuff got into my eyes

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = nopes
7. been cheated on = nopes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = nopes
9. lost someone special = yes, we separated ways. I'm not even sure if they miss me.
10. been depressed = who doesn't? but at least i rebounded
11. been drunk and threw up = never threw up. i'm a sane drinker

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Purple
13. Orange
14. Red

LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend = yes. unexpectedly, i did
16. Fallen out of love = hmmm. wrong question to ask.
17. Laughed until you cried = of course. i'm good at laughing
18. Met someone who changed you = yup.
19. Found out who your true friends were = i only keep few friends and i know all of them are true.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = yup. when you are famous, it is bound to happen. wahahahha
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list = hmmm. another wrong question. wahihihi

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = i know most of them. about 98%
24. Do you have any pets = i do. ooops, my family does.
25. Do you want to change your name = ughm, a little more characters would be better. i only have 5 letters for a name.
26. What did you do for your last birthday = had a little feast at home.
27. What time did you wake up today = around 6:15. earlier than usual
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = watched a hungarian movie online
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = the day i travel out of the country preferably japan or south korea
30. Last time you saw your Mother = early this morning while preparing my breakfast
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about you = my height. if i could only grow 4 inches more
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = tom cruise??? haven't met any tom
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = boredom
35. Most visited webpage = facebook. my blog.
37. Nicknames = fritzie, furitsu, fritz boi.
38. Relationship Status = single since birth
39. Zodiac sign = sexy scorpio
40. Male or female? = male
41. Elementary? = Mandaue City Central School
42. Middle School = University of the Philippines High School in Cebu
44. Hair colour = very dark brown
45. Long or short = middle length.
46. Height = above 5'6"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = yes
48: What do you like about yourself? = positive outlook
49. Piercing= nopes
50. Tattoos = none
51. Righty or lefty= righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = does circumcision count???
53. First piercing = never had any
54. First best friend = Cyril my childhood friend
55. First sport you joined = dakop-dakop was a sport back then.
56. First vacation = davao way back 1990s
58. First crush = Grade 4?

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = nothing.
60. Drinking = nothing.
61. I'm about to= get some water to drink.
62. Listening to = keyboard clicking in the office.
63. Waiting for = 6:30 to get out of here.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = maybe a couple of kids will do.
65. Get Married? = i just want to have a partner, married or not.
66. Career? = i'm afraid to become a call center agent. hopefully my next career would be related to traveling.

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes = eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = kisses.
69. Shorter or taller= taller.
70. Older or Younger = younger at heart
71. Romantic or spontaneous = can i have both?
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = does nice stomach=big appetite and nice arms=kargador??? oh please.
73. Sensitive or loud = sensitive.
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = a little of both worlds is fine

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = again, a wrong question in here.
77. Drank hard liquor = yup.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = left my shades on an island in japan
79. Sex on first date = im a virgin. doutei desu.
80. Broken someone's heart = i'm not sure.
81. Had your own heart broken = yeah and it was painful.
82. Been arrested = nopes
83. Turned someone down = i think so.
84. Cried when someone died = not yet.
85. Fallen for a friend? = interesting question.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = yes. if i don't then how would i convince others?
87. Miracles = yup.
88. Love at first sight = don't you mean lust???
89. Heaven = YES!
90. Santa Claus = i would love to believe.
91. Kiss on the first date = we didn't kiss.
92. Angels = yes yes yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? = nope.
95. Did you sing today? = yup. i love singing
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = nopes. this should have been, have you ever been in a romantic relationship and i could have said nope. wahihihi
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = about two years back when life in japan was great. wahahaha
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = a little.
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = i'm about to.


done!!!

so near yet so far

i was just curious at first.
you looked fine, nothing special.
but there was this air of mystery around you.

and then i started seeing you everyday.
with this few people around, how can i not see everyone?
and i saw you looking back at me a couple of times as well.
it probably was just an innocent stare.
what reason would you have to look at me like that?
none. but it was too late for now i saw your eyes and i was mesmerized.

with every moment that passes by, i can't help but search for you.
and you were just there, emotionless. uncaring.
is that a mask you're wearing?

i looked at you everyday, thinking what new facial emotion you would show.
i saw a smirk, that was great.
i saw a smile, ok you also know how to smile.
i saw you look amused. it was perfect.

the more i see you, the more i want to know you more.
the more i stare, the more i giggle inside.
and smile thinking of what if's.
is this what they call a crush???

but i have to keep my cool, i don't want to start a scandal.
it's just a simple crush and nothing else.

so help me god.

confessions of innocence

"would you still leave me? even though a few years from now, what happened to us would also happen to you and her? would you still choose to leave me for her?"

"even if they know they will eventually die, people continue on living."

"i hate you...uhu. uhu."

love must be worth it all. for if not, why would people still choose to love...

conversation between men

me: hala moadto na diay ko singapore next Saturday. (oh! i'm leaving for singapore next saturday.)
dad: kinsa man imong kuyog? (who will you be with?)
me: kato gihapong kuyog nako sa japan. (same folks with me in japan.)
dad: katong kuyog sad nimo sa boracay? katong babaye? magkasinabtanay ra lagi mo. (same people you were also with in boracay? the girl? you agree much with each other.)
me: o. (yes)
dad: kato na lang kaha pangasaw-i. maayo na para angayan inyong liwat. (why not marry her? your children would look good.)

then i left. i can't say any further when my dad talks to me about stuff like this. i just don't know how to react.




had a similar talk with my uncle over the phone a few months back.

...
uncle: unya naa na kay uyab? (so, do you have a gf now?)
me: wala pa. (not yet.)
uncle: kato diayng kuyog nimo sa facebook? e****r ba to ang pangalan? boto ra ko ato niya dong. kato na lang. pareson ra mo ato ug kuyog bitaw mo permi. (how about that girl in your facebook? was she e****r? i'm fine with her for you. you look good together and it seems you get along well.)
me: aw naa na toy uyab tiyo oi. (but she already has a bf, uncle.)
uncle: aw uyab pa bitaw na. (ah, bf can be changed.)

it's like they are all telling me to settle right away. how can i do that when my heart has never beaten for someone yet??? i can't force myself to like someone, that's insane. yeah, probably they were thinking of my welfare when i get older. who wants to get old alone? i don't. but i don't want to spend eternity with someone forced.

if only i could just make babies by myself the i would be alone in the future. plants and some animals are way better, they can mate themselves and produce offspring themselves. gosh. divine intervention, where are you???

but do i really need someone to be happy at this moment? i guess not. but should i marry just to be secured that i wont be alone during my golden days? i don't think so.

just make things clear, e****r and i are just friends. we agreed to marry each other when we get 30. wahahaha. am i secured now? not really. how pathetic of me... wahihihi.


lesson of the story, you can't force yourself to love. just leave the coercing to others.

conversation between the body and the heart

one day, the body asked the heart. "when i'm hurt i go to the doctor, but if you're hurt then who will heal you?" then the heart said, "i have to heal by myself".

--from a korean drama--

maybe it's because of this that people have different ways to cure the pain. some people do excessive shopping, others travel more with friends. others eat extravagantly, and others start a new hobby. and sadly, others choose to ignore the pain and deceive themselves. whatever it is that heals the heart or alleviates the pain must be done.

others even choose to find a new heart to patch up the broken pieces. some succeeds but others end up with two broken hearts. there is no right or wrong when it comes to it: the heart has to heal itself.

i am not the right person to ask of these stuff; my heart was never badly beaten before. so i too am wondering what i would do if my heart is in pain. i pity those hearts but i pity mine the most; it has never experienced heavenly highs and unfathomable lows. everything is in limbo.

if this heart is pained i guess i'd babble away--try to talk away the pain. i guess i'd smile more to keep me sane. i guess i'd walk all day to hurt my feet more. i probably won't find another heart, i might just crush it down if i would. but then who knows?

how would i know???

i will only keep on guessing...

but for those with hearts hurt, just remember that only change is permanent. pain too will have to leave. hope more pain won't follow right away.

i seriously wish you all to be happy and find that special someone.

be happy and minimize my competition for that someone.

confused, pondered, relaxed

lately, i got the tightest schedule ever. i have worked for like 16 hours a day. is this even right??? where is my human rights for god's sake???? and when weekend came, i would have been satisfied with staying at home lazing around. but no. my housemates got plans and i was dragged again. it was fun though. i was never the planning type but rather the driftwood one--just goes with the flow wherever it may take me. 

so off we went to the beach last saturday. i had so much fun. a friend told me that you have to enjoy both the bodies and the sea when in the beach. unfortunately, i didn't. i was but a child enjoying the sea and the waves and the sun. what bodies was he talking about??? i did enjoy the big body of water in front of me though.

and just when i thought the other plan won't push through, we were immediately on the train heading there. after tiring our muscles, we will destroy our vocal chords. an all-nighter singing is up next. we entered the karaoke room at 11pm saturday. then there was singing... and then there was some dancing and singing... and then drinking and singing... and then suicidal-heartbreak-song singing... and then screaming... then jargon-unknown-unheard of-gibberish-words singing... and then the raspy, husky, no-more-voice singing. we went out at 5am, sunday. i haven't slept at all and i couldn't believe i sang for 6 hours: i sang the whole time with or without the mic. i had the weekend of my life. i never got to rest but all the tension was released. it is all but a positive feeling.

right after all the hysteria, i got to think. of all the good topics i could have chosen, i thought about love and relationships. wow. was this inspired by "just once" of james ingram i sang hours ago? or was it "total eclipse of the heart"? or perhaps "alone" by heart?

i got to think deep and hard, am i satisfied being single? i want to be loved. i want to be longed for. i want to be needed. i want to be taken care of. and i want to likewise do the same to the other. i want to wake up in the arms of another. i want to share my little happenings in life and share the simple joys life can bring. but in as much as i would have loved to gain those things, i am likewise afraid to handle the pain. it is not always bliss in a relationship. there are hardships, as proven by the hundreds of blogs i am following.

ideally, that is what i wanted. all in a dream though. in reality, i am not doing anything at all. what a sloth. i still haven't found the need to be in a relationship. i am too lazy to even think of getting one. i am just waiting to stumble on it. as a blogger had put it, "i want to be a hunter where the prey wants to be eaten", or something like that. what a pity. i am just waiting.. oh i'm sorry, i'm not even waiting because i am not at all anticipating. i am but a speck in the universe where with or without love will still survive. having a relationship would have been better but it is not essential to me now. what a waste... why am i writing this whole block when there was really nothing to write in the first place???

after a day of excitement and pondering, i am now in a day of total confusion. why can't you just say it straight that you want me out of your damn life??? damn it. you told me stuff but then you are doing the total opposite. come on. it is hurting me. it is keeping me from growing this year. it would really be better to say it out loud than keep it inside. stop ignoring me please.

a friend shared earlier that she has been constantly ignoring a person. she is constantly irritated by the person's words so she never replied back... somehow, this made me think about you and i. we rode on the same elevator today but you only gave me your straight face. my all smiley g00d-morning-to-you greeting fell down to basement 1, smashed and stepped on. poor me. i have greeted you enough for this month without even getting your response... i'm tired.. why am i still hurt when i already knew this for months now???

ohh ohhh ohhh

a whirlwind of things...

at least this proves that i'm still alive.

tears

i want to cry...

it is a mixture of emotions really but it makes my eyes well with tears. there is this gloomy aura around me. i don't want to cry but it seems inevitable. damn everything.... all i can recollect now are the worst things. i know that there are many to be thankful for but i can't think of any right now. trying to be positive is not working... at all...

it was not like this this morning... everything was fine earlier. how come that after 2 hours of being awake, i am suddenly feeling the worst???

seeing me reflected in the mirror, you look fine... if you had longer nose, it wouldn't fit with your small eyes and mouth... i am not dissatisfied with the way i look but i'm very much disappointed with these pimple red scars left on my face... they are happily living on my face for a year now... seriously, they should leave... their contract is long overdue. i have tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them but they are just stubborn...

"the irritating one" beside me is getting more irritating. her antics are getting to me. the more i hear her non-energetic voice, the more i feel like bursting. she doesn't feel like working, she said... but her keyboard typing sound is non-stop with the many chat windows open in her screen... all she does is chat all day or read a book all day... and she squirms when she sees her crush and looks at me waiting for some assurance or something... i will never appreciate such girly-plastic-doll moves. to hell with that.

emails are flooding asking for advise. they ask for advise even for the simplest, littlest of things... do you seriously need my input for your email asking for closing of server ports???? it is as simple as:

dear server owners,

please confirm the services running on the below ports. application is not using them so please close them as well if they are not needed.

ports xxx, yyyy

thank you,

is there really a need to ask for inputs on this very short email format??? this is another irritant... i am working in the IT industry so sorry for some jargon.

been checking news about my asian addictions, too... yeah, i am a fanboy... and i'm super glad that they will finally be having a concert in tokyo dome. i really wish i can go and see them live.. but the ticket prices are way above my budget... and it is hard to even understand the procedures for buying a ticket... japan is getting weirder and weirder each day. i'm here closer to my addiction but still so far away... go DBSK!!! go TOHOSHINKI!!! i will still support you, though not during your concert... wahuhuhuhu. i wanna cry some more...

finally, i am an avid reader of blogs. these blogs are supposedly a stress reliever, but today it is not working... the blogs post stuff about their relationships... about their simple conversations in bed... about their struggles of wanting to spend more time with the partner... i can't help but be jealous. i too want to have a partner to share things with, cuddle with, lean on, joke with, laugh with, hug with, etc... i think i am a very sensitive person so i will truly enjoy even those simple things... but i have no one to do those stuff to... i only have myself... thinking back, i can't help but remember how brokenhearted i was with usagi-chan. and we were just friends to begin with. but i did share things with him, leaned on him, joked and laughed with him... i wonder how i would have felt if it were a loving relationship and ended so sudden.... we still see each other though and greet with simple hellos. but it was never like before... do i miss him??? yes. does he miss me??? ...

while writing, my heart would like to burst. and my eyes would like to shed... good thing that lunch time is coming...

TT_TT

two questions...

out of the blue, the members of the gotanda tribe started to talk. of all the possible topics out there, this was all about love. good for them since they have had a relationship; they have solid basis for their points. all i have are my ideals. waahhh... too bad... of all the questions tackled, two got stuck in my head (one was a follow up of the other)... cliche they may seem, but i have never pondered long and hard yet.

would you choose the one you love or the one who loves you?

the best answer i have heard was from mr. yoshinoya (real identity disclosed). he said and i quote

i'll choose the one i love because love is something you give without expecting something in return

how about a round of applause in there... let us now crown our new miss universe... ohhh. sorry... wahihihih. well said from a pretty experienced guy.

we are actually thinking of the same thing--not on the beauty-pageant-reasoning but on choosing the one you love. my reasons are pretty childish compared to his though. when you choose the one you love then you are on the active part; you give much thought and importance to it. you are willing to compromise and make sacrifices since you love the person. you are more open-minded to changes since it is your hearts desire to make that person fall for you as well. and besides if i choose otherwise, it is much prone for regrets. childish as they may seem, but those were my thoughts.

then came the follow up question.

since you chose the one you love, until how long are you willing to wait until he loves you back?

oh no.... this is a much harder question. i should have chosen the other one. damn! wahihihi. this i really thought hard and haven't figured out up to this point. no one gave strong responses to this. it's like everyone is unsure. now it made me think deeper.

if the person i love doesn't respond back, what would i do? what am i supposed to do if all my advances doesn't have any effect? oh no. eventually, i will tire out if i see no advancements. but how about my heart? will i just wait for it to die and fall out of love? waaaah... this topic is just too much... we came up with no conclusion at all.

in reality, i am a loyal person--too loyal to be exact. the bad thing is, jealousy has always been a friend of mine at the same time with loyalty. now, remaining loyal while jealous can do serious damage. i hold on to a certain bond while being hurt deep inside--self struggle all the time. now how do you expect me to react when i am like that??? think..... however, there are things hard to ignore. now, i am having a hard time dealing with a friend. i still hold on to that bond we have made before, thinking of the many possibilities of this change. but seeing him ignoring my little efforts to bring back that spark is breaking me apart. still i continue to hope and he continues to shatter me. look at the irony of that. am i a masochist by any chance????

let's end all of this before i spill more stuff.

ps: what is even more interesting was the fact that there was no alcohol involved during these talks.

52 ---- love nasad

i have just read a short story on love, 20 questions by Juan ekis. i was shocked by the sincerity of the piece. there was no beating around the bush. one plot is all there is. i hope i can write something like it. but nope, i don't know how to write narratives. have tried to in high school (not really tried on my own but forced to write as an assignment). i suck at writing stories. if i write one, it will surely go in circles.

anyway, the story was on friends. their barkada have this prank on them and they were locked in the room for 3 days during a vacation trip. of course, they can do whatever they like. the male was principled. he has his idea of what is right and wrong. the woman was practical. well she seems practical but deep inside, she is a hopeless romantic. she has experienced many things.

now the two of them started this game where they ask questions to each other. a total of 20 questions, they have to answer honestly to each. they asked on there future plans, secrets, love life, crushes, sex, etc. and all of a sudden, the magic started between them. the last question was "don't you want to kiss me?", and probably you know what happened, the story ended.

i was hooked by the sincerity and simplicity of it.



now lets stop this drama. i have kept all this pent up emotions deep within. i am totally confused, i am over thinking on simple things. i have watched "kimi wa petto" (you are my pet) yesterday though i have not finished the series yet and i totally feel the same sentiments as the main character. she is a successful woman in her field, graduated from a famous university, elite as her colleagues say, and men are afraid of her. all she seeks is true love but her lovers get insecure of her accomplishments. as for me, i graduated from one of the best school if not the best. though I'm not  really sure if I'm successful in this field but hopefully i am. but...  ...

hey....

wait a minute...

what am i talking about???? i am not looking for love. i am waiting for love to bump me in the head. i am waiting for the bells and music when i meet that person. i am a lazy person so ill wait.... if you are the right one then come to my place, bring a bell and talk to me.

ill probably think you are it.

how far will you go? (thirty seven)

i recently watched a movie via youtube and bang it was really nice...

it was a love story but a different one. i just can't believe that they can go that far for love. even religion prevented their love but love conquered it all. one was a freeloader, no worries for the future. sex with different partners every night but then realized the shallowness of it all. the other was bound with religion. was a devoted one but loved a person deemed wrong by their congregation. they were forcefully separated but in the end they found each other.

here is a line from the movie during the lonely parts:
"tuesday 3 am, once again I'm wide awake waiting for time to mend this part of me that keeps breaking."
this is really touching but by this same line, they met again.

i just hope this kind of love, willing to change and willing to sacrifice, still exists in the world.

i really hope it still does....

36) aishiteiru to itte kure -- say that you love me

i always have this fantasy of me meeting the one I'm destined to be with. and when our eyes meet, the world around will seem to
stop  as if nothing else matters. i have always waited for this moment and is still waiting. i guess I've watched too many damn romantic movies to think this way. but you cant blame a virgin for that...

I've never been in love. i hope i too can experience that feeling. i still believe that love exists no matter how cold i may be to others-- no matter how childish i act. i know that when i finally meet the one nothing else will matter most except God of course.

i know this is still far from happening. i still have too many issues to solve. i just hope this will happen. i don't care where or when, i just hope it will.

and when we finally meet, we will discover the world together... see the world together... face issues that might come together... whoever you are, I'm just here waiting for our roads to cross...






------------all because of another damn romantic movie i recently saw in youtube----------