2 days' worth

so this must be rejection,
this must be misfortune.
for one second i thought it was heaven,
but then it was hell.

i kept it to myself how i felt lost.
but you were there and held me up,
and we talked it through,
and i was ok for a while,
and you seemed nice, too.
and it seemed that we clicked,
and i began to feel again,
and wished to be with you.

i never asked but you came,
and for a second i embraced it all.

but...
it hurts...

i can't have you.
you were different,
you were looking for something else.
so this must be why you said to take it slow,
this must be the real reason.
you were just not that into me.
you were not feeling me at all.
i should have read the signs earlier,
i felt so stupid to trust and feel,
but it is a process.
it hurts...

i tried to reach out,
i really tried to.
i am alone again.
i have no hold over you...
it really hurts how one second you made me feel hope.
i must have looked pitiful.
it must be pity for i can't find any reason at all.
i just can't...

i was back in hell...
but for one second i thought it was heaven.
this is my misfortune,
this is rejection.

trenta i uno =)

hoy kamo ha, basin nagtuo sad mo na wala na gyud ko ganahi sa akong life ha.
hey you out there, im not bored with my life.


it does not mean that what i wrote is always what i feel. but we all know that depressions do come. it is inevitable. everybody experiences it...


i may write these things today, but it doesn't mean it is always like that... these things i write are just those emotions that go overboard. these things i write are just those that are beyond the usual feelings i feel. wahihihihihihihi....


it feels good to write again. wahihihihihihihi....


(mura man hinuon ni ug disclaimer...)
happy year ahead...

nineteenth...

let me tell you what happened the day i was depressed...


i told my friends about it and they advised me to talk it over with someone... i knew it was the right thing to do. but i just dont want to talk it out with someone i knew... i want a neutral person who has no idea who i am... i just want to air out what i was feeling then... and so i went online... i entered a chatroom in ym and 2 people comforted me... it was the longest talk of my life... we started at about 10am or so and ended at 4... they were both from the us... one was an 18 female, the other was a 26 male... we talked my depression away...


i just dont know what was in me that day but i really was depressed... i just dont know... it hit me. i guess i was thinking of my life-- was everything i did/steps i took worth it... that was the main point. and i just found out that there is something deeper to unravel... i have known this for a long time but i just ignored it... it wasn't bothering me before so i never thought much about it... i guess that was the main problem...


anyway, we are having a sportsfest this coming saturday at the cebu city sports club... i have no idea what to do... im not into sports and is certainly not gonna play... i dont know what to do... theyve been scrambling about the team arrangements saying that it was unfair. some teams got all the people good in basketball... the hell to that... is it that important to win in basketball? ive played basketball before but i never enjoyed it though.... so now, the teams were rearranged again and i dont know what my team will be... all im really intersted on is, "can i wear slippers in cebu sports club?"...


can i wear slippers in cebu sports club?






guys please answer that...

second post for the day.... (depression sinks in)

hay, nganong lain man akong feeling karon oi... feeling depressed kaayo... kapoy... ambot lang.... laay kaayo.... ikaduha na ni nako na post for this day and still i feel that i need to post more...



yesterday i watched the free japanese film at ayala and though it was r18 i can't see anything which makes it one... whaihihihihi... okay okay, there were scenes not meant for kids but they were short and were very funny. and it was not on a lustful context.


we, i and shiela, planned to watch the movie together and keep up with each other... (its hard to find real friends you know. especially at my status where i treat everyone as friends, its hard to know who are real.) and we met other UPians there too. UPians must really be a fan of any free movie... wahihihihihihi.... (hope to see them in the next film festivals to come--cine europa, chinese, australian, etc.) its just good to see and hear others doing well after school. i can also see an invisible bond which keeps us UPians together... though im not an active part of the campus, never been to any rallies, never accomplished something worth bragging for the school, i can feel the UP spirit in me...



ive never been very vocal with regards to political or any other issues but i do have a side... i take stand on things... i just dont believe that rallies can make a very big change...  im so sorry but there are just other things that i believe are more effective than rallies... im fed up with all the rallies here and there demanding the administration to step down... but i dont think that stepping down is the real answer to all this... i think if we only start with ourselves, surely there will be a change... anyway, i dont know why im writing about this now or even why im acting this way. i guess im just affected by the blog i just read... the blog of "coconuter".



im sick of all people making everything possible to be close to you just because of the status or anything you have... its plain bullshit... why is this world so dependent on status? why cant we all just live together harmoniously? why do we filipinos have to kiss somebodies ass just to gain a little increase in possition? i dont know why im writing about this but i think im just tired of everything...



why do filipinos regard of anything foreign as something good??? why do they think that when someone goes abroad, swerte? i just dont know... im sick of this system... why is it like that? i dont know... i dont know why im having this outburst even...



hay i dont know.... i just dont know.... maybe im thinking of my future already... maybe im worried of what the future has instored for me... i just want to live peacefully, enjoy the little blessings that come... i actually dont want to achieve much... but i dont know... there is just something in me that me myself dont want to accept... there is something that i dont want to face... there is this void, dark place in me that i want to fill... i want to experience everything... but i havent tried them because of the norms of society... i dont want to stay this way forever... i dont know... there is this hunger for more... there are some things you cant do because of your repuation but damn those reputations... i dont want to be bound.... i want to be free. i want to......


hay... its just now that ive realized that the way ive lived for the past 20years was empty... it was fulfilling but i should have experienced more... and now that im working, i dont know if i still can try them.... i dont know.... i want to try other stuff... i want to explore what else i can do... i dont know... i dont know...



but as much as i would like to try new things, im scared of what might happen... im scared....... im scared... oh god what is this im feeling....