四十三.... the pissed, bored life

it all started with a summer outing which was very enjoyable.
たのしい　夏休み　が　すべて　の　はじまった。

everything was fine and relaxing and all. clean, fresh, white. laughter, joy, gladness. and now that im back in the city, the worst just happened.

i took the chance to be away from work last monday, 21st of may. i asked for a sick leave (muscle cramps and stomach ache which i really felt though if i didnt, i would have given another excuse). i was planning to surf the web the whole day.

i turned on my pc and was happy to be back online after 2 days of zero internet life. i was very pleased browsing at sites i love. i was just checking something when my pc rebooted. i thought it was ok because it already happened in the past. and then i was online again... not until it rebooted once more. then rebooted, and rebooted, and on and off and on and off.

i contacted a computer shop and brought my cpu there. paid for the taxi and went in. everything seems ok there. nothing is wrong. my pc started well. i waited for at least an hour and no rebooting happened. they used all the memory of my pc to make sure if it really wont happen but it didnt. so they cleaned my cpu and advised to reinstall and reformat my cpu. so i bought and external hard disk and paid for their service. went home and paid for a cab.

i plugged it in immediately when i got back and thought that it wont happen again. but i was wrong, it rebooted after a few minutes. now im pissed, i brought my cpu to a friends' house and plugged it there. and to my surprise, it worked well for straight 2 hours... i transferred important files to my mobile hd with hassle. now im puzzled. what do these places have that i dont?

i went back home and reinstalled my operating system(a pirated windows xp professional). i got no problem while doing it. i thought it would reboot in a short while in the middle of the installation but it didnt. i was now glad and hoping that maybe the problem will now be solved. i turned it back on and yoohoo it rebooted once more. f@%k...

i went back to work the next day although i felt drained. at work, all i can think was my pc. i asked my collegues and friends about this and their guess was as good as mine. they suggested that i should buy an avr.one ven suggested that the problem lies with the house and to fix the prob, we should transfer to a new house. of course i cant do the latter so i tried the first. i paid for the avr and bought it home. wow!!!! it didnt help either.

yesterday at the office, i told everyone of the good news--my life sucked. now another advised thats maybe its with the extension cord. and the fool i am, i bought one immediately. we now have a collection of extension cords at home.

now i can say that maybe its with the electricity. yes, its with the house. i have no idea why or how but i can say its with the house. im now advised to buy a ups but im skeptical on this. i should first know if this is really the solution. i just cant waste money now or ill be broke. the next pay day is still far away. im thinking of calling the computer shop again and ask for their advise, or even call the power company on their idea on this.

to be continued...
うつつ。。。

thoughts------四十二

yesterday i have read an article of an American who despised the Filipinos in all aspects. he stated that Filipinos call themselves Asians (Chinese, Japanese) although they are only related to them by location. he also stated that Filipinos has never made any contributions to the world...

this has really made me think.

Filipinos call themselves Asians because we really are Asians... should we call ourselves Europeans but are situated in a region called Asia? thats the main logic in there... i guess what he disagreed on is that some Filipinos call themselves Asians to get little credit of what our Asian big brothers (china and japan) have done in shaping this world. yes they have done many things and yes they are known. but looking back on history, Filipinos were never given the chance to succeed and excel in the world because of the colonizers. Spain colonized us for 300+ years and from then on, the country slept because they were only allowed to learn the "doctrina kristiana" and other religious books. then the Americans came and at least taught us things but the country has never got over the ways in the Spanish period. i guess if the Philippines was not colonized, or just had a better colonizer things would be better.

and now that the Philippines has stood on its feet, now that we have started to learn and adapt to new technologies and new ways, now that we are starting to move forward, some people from other countries look down on us. now that we are starting to move, foreigners criticize us. why not help us move out of this slump instead? why not stop laughing at this slowly emerging country and extend your hand instead? how can people in here grow and contribute to the world when even before we open our mouths to speak, our big brothers(developed countries) have already arrived at conclusions to turn us down?

with 3 colonizers (Spain, us, japan) and with globalization at its height, it is very hard to find what it is to be a Filipino. it is very hard to find what is truly authentic Filipino. that is just impossible. the Filipino race, is a mix of cultures. what the Philippines is today is a result of all the cultures mixed together. we surely have adapted and adopted well to all of these and have made it suitable for us. surely you can find traces of Spanish, American, or any other culture and no one is denying it. it doesn't mean that we are copy cats though. it only means that we adapt well.

i do admit that we Filipinos still lack many things but we are surely getting there. no culture is perfect. why not investigate your cultures first and you will definitely see loopholes in it.

dilemma.... 41

such a feelings coming over me. i hope there is wonder in everything i see... but there isn't. uncertainty is rocking the post I'm on, and I'm not sure whether to give in or fight back...

people around me have been missing. as the weeks pass, more and more are gone. I'm sure nobody wants to be left alone but I'm scared of leaving this post I'm on... what if down this post are spiky spikes... what if down this are spider nests, or dragon lairs, or an endless abyss... what if....

but i don't want to be left alone... i don't want to endure this pain of holding on forever... someday i know i will yield to it and surrender defeat but i don't want to do it unless there is another place i can jump unto... who wants to dive into nothingness? certainly not i. but should i wait until this post I'm on crashes before i make a move? what a dilemma....

40---bloody hell

on the 18th day of march in the year 2007, a prophecy became a reality. bloody battlefields became of this barren lands. heart of heroes were challenged. courage and honor were tested to their limits. there is no turning back. no retreat no surrender as they say. to make this short, i donated blood.... toinks....

do you have piercings?

tattoos?

do you know that aids can be transferred by blood?

have you recieved payments for sex?

these questions have to be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no': no buts, no ifs, no anything else. answers were made but the mind was still confused. what the hell am i doing here? am i really doing this? is this the real life, or is this just fantasy? --(bohemian) people were around me, making sure im not going anywhere. dont i have the choice here to leave?

they got my weight (damn i gained lots of pounds, i sure need lots of workout). they got my blood pressure, and heart rate (i think that was it). they need to get a blood sample first so my arms were then tied with rubber (and they're tight) and then they searched for the point where they will stick the needle in. MR A then stuck the needle in and surprise surprise, target out of bounds... shocks.... air hit.... didn't even touch the ring... stupid.... he got the needle and let it swim in my flesh trying to hit the spot but this really hurts... he then got another needle and proceeded to find another area in my body where he can get blood samples. what a pity.... was he not trained to do this properly?

after 4 hours of waiting for the result, we came back to the bloodbank and waited some more. and the result, yes i'm clean... i have no known disease transmutable by blood... i have no tb, hepa, aids, malaria, etc... im very glad about this... but my gosh, this means that i can donate blood... oh my.... it also happened that my blood is compatible with that of the patient's.... sweat started show. with every tick of the clock waiting for that fateful moment, my heart pounded more and more...

and yes that moment came. i was asked to sit and rest on the couch (how could i rest when i know that a needle will be piercing my body?). and then the needle came... this needle is way bigger than ordinary injection needles. it's the size of a lollipop stick and yes, it has a bigger whole... i have no idea how it will pierce me but my god, it is big... i just smiled in there, hopefully gaining more strength as my mouth muscles begin to tire...

and the moment came... i told the practitioner to please be good at hitting targets... there will be no more second chances in here... if she misses the vein, i will definitely not push through with this. i even told her of the incident that morning on MR A. and she was accomodating. she smiled and noted what i said. she wrote on a paper my complaint on MR A. wow... at least my voice was heard...

the needle was pushed and i closed my eyes thinking of how painful this might be... as i waited for the pain, the practitioner backed out. to my surprise, the needle is in place. what?!... how can that be?!?.... no sharp pain???

watching your blood travel down the tube is a wierd feeling. its even wierder seeing that bag fill up with blood. ewww... and i was doing this "close open", "twinkle twinkle little star" action while doing so... i was glad that my friend supported me by the door... she mimicked that action with me... i laughed and smiled the whole time... i sang the music on the radio with my heart...(char)... "making love out of nothing at all..." i chatted with the practitioner as to what diseases were screened with my blood sample... i did the "close open" action with gusto. and then it was over... one bag is finally full...

and then i was drained... yeah drained.... my right arm and shoulders were heavy... its as if i lost energy in there... i was just glad its over... that blood will help save the life of a mother...

all that's left of it now is the scar-- the big scar of the big needle... thinking of this now, makes me smile.... and grin.... and laugh....


ps: comments were exagerated of course but the happeneings were real.

39----3-in-one

feb 16, 7:30night 'til midnight


meeting old folks is really fun to have...


met up with fellow mathematicians at ayala center cebu. talking of stuffs past and present... talking of plans now and onwards... getting connected to the world outside of work is always a pleasure of mine. simple conversations, getting updated with each other really matters a lot... reached home at 12+ midnight feeling refreshed... never thought to see light while still in the tunnel... i forgot that there is electricity even inside the tunnel..... slept with a very happy feeling.




feb 17, 8:30 - 12:00 morning


phil-it gce failure....


swu was a first time for me... never been there so i was surprised by what the school offered. but i was more surprised by the exam.i have never seen an exam by an organization/institution held with so many flaws...


a) the test started at near 10 am which pissed me a lot because i only slept 6 hours.


b) our entire exam group transferred a room on the second floor because many of us can't log in to their online exam. hello........ they knew that this will be online, so didn't they check the internet connection in the first place.


c) it takes more time to save answers and transfer to other page of the exam than answering the page itself. it is such a waste of time to transfer to the next set of questions. but it took more time to even save the answers. hello again... this is a timed exam so this issue should never happen...


d) when i was going to my 7th out of 10 pages their system broke.... all of us can't open our page... we waited till 12 before they announced of the neccessary action plan... what a waste... we took more time talking than answering the test... we never got to finish it even...


e) last but definitely not the least, there will be a retake.... oh God........ isnt this enough burden? rescheduled to another day....


is this an exam? are you even serious? this is about it so why aren't they testing their softwares?




feb 17, afternoon


a film to watch


"a dirty carnival" was such a heavy drama but i enjoyed it.... its a korean movie on the joys, pain, success and betrayal of a gangster... such a complex story... action packed but heart piercing, its a joy watching a narrative like this... hope i will not be betrayed by people i call friends... hope i will not experience the pains he felt....


you should try watching this movie... i recommend it... although it was predictable but because you will grow to love the character, you will constantly wish your prediction is wrong...... best movie ive seen so far...