tears

i want to cry...

it is a mixture of emotions really but it makes my eyes well with tears. there is this gloomy aura around me. i don't want to cry but it seems inevitable. damn everything.... all i can recollect now are the worst things. i know that there are many to be thankful for but i can't think of any right now. trying to be positive is not working... at all...

it was not like this this morning... everything was fine earlier. how come that after 2 hours of being awake, i am suddenly feeling the worst???

seeing me reflected in the mirror, you look fine... if you had longer nose, it wouldn't fit with your small eyes and mouth... i am not dissatisfied with the way i look but i'm very much disappointed with these pimple red scars left on my face... they are happily living on my face for a year now... seriously, they should leave... their contract is long overdue. i have tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them but they are just stubborn...

"the irritating one" beside me is getting more irritating. her antics are getting to me. the more i hear her non-energetic voice, the more i feel like bursting. she doesn't feel like working, she said... but her keyboard typing sound is non-stop with the many chat windows open in her screen... all she does is chat all day or read a book all day... and she squirms when she sees her crush and looks at me waiting for some assurance or something... i will never appreciate such girly-plastic-doll moves. to hell with that.

emails are flooding asking for advise. they ask for advise even for the simplest, littlest of things... do you seriously need my input for your email asking for closing of server ports???? it is as simple as:

dear server owners,

please confirm the services running on the below ports. application is not using them so please close them as well if they are not needed.

ports xxx, yyyy

thank you,

is there really a need to ask for inputs on this very short email format??? this is another irritant... i am working in the IT industry so sorry for some jargon.

been checking news about my asian addictions, too... yeah, i am a fanboy... and i'm super glad that they will finally be having a concert in tokyo dome. i really wish i can go and see them live.. but the ticket prices are way above my budget... and it is hard to even understand the procedures for buying a ticket... japan is getting weirder and weirder each day. i'm here closer to my addiction but still so far away... go DBSK!!! go TOHOSHINKI!!! i will still support you, though not during your concert... wahuhuhuhu. i wanna cry some more...

finally, i am an avid reader of blogs. these blogs are supposedly a stress reliever, but today it is not working... the blogs post stuff about their relationships... about their simple conversations in bed... about their struggles of wanting to spend more time with the partner... i can't help but be jealous. i too want to have a partner to share things with, cuddle with, lean on, joke with, laugh with, hug with, etc... i think i am a very sensitive person so i will truly enjoy even those simple things... but i have no one to do those stuff to... i only have myself... thinking back, i can't help but remember how brokenhearted i was with usagi-chan. and we were just friends to begin with. but i did share things with him, leaned on him, joked and laughed with him... i wonder how i would have felt if it were a loving relationship and ended so sudden.... we still see each other though and greet with simple hellos. but it was never like before... do i miss him??? yes. does he miss me??? ...

while writing, my heart would like to burst. and my eyes would like to shed... good thing that lunch time is coming...

TT_TT

the irritating you

there are times when you say "enough is enough"... i don't mean to be mean but there are really times when you just want everything to stop...

why are there people who cannot grasp any idea of what is currently happening? why can't you feel that i'm already annoyed??? all you have to speak is of your adventures with someone.... i really don't care, at least not today... i've been having lots of things on my mind right now so stop it.. it is really bothering me; it's as if you are telling me that you are more famous than i am to have a social life. bravo for you. but i'm not a social butterfly. i'd rather have quite conversations.

lately it seems that you belittle me. your expression changes when you hear the music i'm listening to. why can't you understand that people have different likes? not all people appreciate kelly clarkson, carrie underwood and all those american stuff... not all people continuously listen to those stuff and even repeat the same piece over and over in a 20minute interval. your face smirks when you listen to an instrumental; your eyes roll when you hear my japanese and korean music. and i don't even listen to them everyday, and i only play them out loud once in a while. not like you who plays everything on full volume; it's like you are saying that we should also love your music. bullshit to that...

you also want to go to every place you find in the internet. but have you really appreciated those places??? or you only want to take pictures and post it somewhere for public viewing... and then people will say how lucky you were to be there and envy you more... your antics....

here is what got me the most. you wake up early but you stay on bed and take a bath late. naturally, you come to office late. and then one time, you asked me to "time in" for you and gave me lots and lots of excuses like there are lots of people, the lift opens so slow, etc. what the fuck... you took the shower late so take the consequences... don't ask me to lie for you so you will get away with your actions. it is never gonna happen...

i've had a conversation with a friend and he says that you are only trying to grab everybody's attention--i mean everybody's attention. be satisfied with the attention you are having ok. you are now famous, there is no need to conquer the world. i think i have given you a lot of attention lately so now i'm backing off. i have genuinely listened to your talks, but you didn't to mine. you only gave me your poker face and it makes me want to stop.

do you also know that you are sending wrong signals??? you are dealing with people who don't think the way you do so you better rethink every action. or maybe you are intentionally sending those signals and act innocent so you will be more famous than you are now??? hmmmm....

i'd rather talk to the "you" who opens your heart rather than the "you" who wears a mask...

seriously irritated...

drunken state...

as alcohol is slowly getting down my stomach and into my head, i am composing this blog. i'm a little tipsy and my world is getting heavy.... is this how it is to be drunk???? my stomach is so so heavy... and big.... and heavy... and big... and big......

today is the despidida for one of my colleague; he will be going home to the philippines after assigned for two years in japan. good for him, he will be going home finally... but thinking about it, i think i have nothing to do back home so it's better for me to be here.

as a despidida, we invited friends over. we invited people who know how to cook... at least we ate delicious home cooked meals.... yum yum... and drank whiskey/whisky after... of all the alcohol i have tried, whiskey is the hardest to take in...

shots came after shots and people changed behavior... its good to observe these changes... but i'm quite surprised to be one of the remaining survivors... i know i'm a little drunk, but at least i'm still sane, i think... i know my world is revolving right now but i have still written this blog. maybe i'm not making any sense in this entry but yeah... just trying to write something and read it when i'm sober. it seems i'm free atthis time so i don't know ... just for fun. ill laugh at all of these tomorrow.

i don't understand at all why people drink. as a friend said, she gets a nice feeling during her altered state... i don't get this at all.. why would you feel nice when you are not even sure of what you are doing, why would you even feel good when you are unsure of what you are doing... unsure of any dangers lurking... my drunk mate just wentout of the apartment, i don't know where to but we did told her to be still... stop... dont go, we tried to stop her... but we all are drunk so no ne can stop... i'm too lazy to even stop her... by the way, she is the one who said she likes the feeling of her altered state... she just came back now and is having er time at the toilet... too much to drink and too much to vomit...

by the way, im doing this blog in a mac machine... i just bought one recently... i overspending money...

now the drunk woman is vomiting all the way, making all the noise... sounds gross but im drunk... ill got over it... bye...

bye...

frustration

can't hide what i'm feeling anymore....

i waited for him the whole time for all this time but no call nor any message came. is he still alive there??? i wonder. but my pride put me on autopilot, i did not call (i've always called first, i'm sick of doing the same routine)... 

as time went by, i can't hide this anymore; the desire got stronger and kicked my pride out. i invited him out, maybe spend a little time with each other... wahahaha.. i called and called but he won't pick it up... what was he doing at noon???? i called some more and there was an answer, finally. i kept all the questions contained: need to form words out of the many thoughts i was thinking... 

he rejected me... 

he was somewhere else and dropped the call. i don't know what to do now...

hands got colder, stomach grumbled, and the words i tried to hide came out on its own... 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER YOU WON'T HAVE LUNCH WITH ME TODAY??? I COULD HAVE WENT OUT WITH OTHERS INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR YOU, LUNCH BUDDY."

noon time drama (coming out soon)

-- out for lunch --

consequences

i've been wanting to post my adventures for the past month. i have planned to post pictures of the nice places i've been to recently. spring in japan is the hanami season--the time when people enjoy the sakura(cherry blossoms) bloom its fullest, filling everything with petals before it goes back to the boring green-leafed tree it normally is. hanami is one of those rare excuses to get yourself drunk and feel perfectly okay because everyone is doing the same. in as much as i would like to share the pictures, the procrastinator in me dominated. i have yet to find all the energy to post everything. what a useless introduction this has become. this only shows how chaotic this brain of mine functions.

lately, i have walked a lot and had aches all over my body a lot. it started from all those hanami activities (just trying to make my useless introduction coherent). i have walked a whole year's worth during those activities. aches all over plus the spring sickness (i don't know if this is true but my japanese friend told me that people feel tired during spring for no apparent reason at all) overcame my whole being. and the fighter that i am, i started to jog just to keep the pace of this starting-to-be-active life. how idiotic of me to even start this so called "jogging" on a drizzling night. the last time of this "jogging" season was on a cold wednesday night. yes, it is still cold. we even joked that japan must have only 2 seasons this year, spring and winter. i was expecting it to be at least warmer... i should have headed back home and changed for warmer clothes that time... but no, i went on and jogged. and now, i have all these ruling my body.

i am slightly feverish, my nose has never gone dry, am tired everyday... you can ignore the last one though; who doesn't get tired from this work i am having? i go home late, eat late, sleep late and somehow need to wake up early?!??! go figure why i feel tired. but these illnesses are signs of flu. and you know what, i've been hearing much about the dreaded swine flu enough to scare me and shake my brain. these illnesses i have are now a complex mixture of natural causes and psychosomatic ones...

i need to be well ok... we have planned to invade osaka, kyoto, kobe and nara this holiday. it is quite an expensive trip so i need to feel well to enjoy everything.

immune system, be strong!!! create antibodies as fast as you can... you only have 2 days left before the trip starts!!! i am going whether you feel well or not, so might as well feel well so you can enjoy the trip as much as i do...

PS: i heard usagi-chan's voice again after a long time. i saw him in a friend's desk (ra-tan's desk), so i decided to call that friend up, the perfect excuse was to inform that i transferred seat yet again. ra-tan told me that he is with somebody and usagi-chan spoke up. they asked me to guess who it was.. though i know perfectly that it was usagi-chan, the actor in me spoke other person's names... (i'll hurt your pride) wahihihihi... he never got to tell who he was... i was somehow expecting usagi-chan to come over and check the new place but knowing his current self, that is never gonna happen and it didn't. usagi-chan is really contributing to my headache--another sign of swine flu...