clueless.... (46)

as the title suggests, i'm so clueless today... i don't know what to
do... i don't even know if i should be doing something... all my
teammates are busy with our project, but i am not... it's as if i have
no deadline to meet... i don't even know when our deadline is. it's as
if i was left behind, like i blended well with the surrounding to the
point that they can't see me any longer... as the days pass, i feel
like I'm taken for granted... i know i should not be feeling this way
but i am... i know that i should be happy to be given a breather but i
am not... it would have been better if i have a new movie in my pc but
i don't. i don't want to surf the internet. i need a human being to
talk with. i need to open my mouth and communicate. but in this
stressful environment, no one likes to talk... i want to talk guys...
talk nonsense with me... i want to exercise my mouth... oh God help...
i need to be busy doing something... i don't want to die of boredom.
this silence is killing me.


(same as the one i posted in multiply.... this only shows how bored i am... i can't even make another one for friendster....)





(note 2: change of color for a comments sake... wahihihihi)

45------health is wealth

Friday night was the start of it all... i drank a Laxative (foods, compounds, or drugs taken to induce bowel movements, most often taken to treat constipation.) because of obvious reasons...

Saturday came the result... was very happy at 5am because of the relief it gave me... i went out with a friend and the unexpected happened twice... though it was unexpected, i was prepared... and i has happy it happened...

Sunday came and everything was normal... bought a gallon of ice cream for my dad (happy father's day papa).. we were only 4 in the family so i ate the least of two mugs... that's way too much i know but its good to indulge sometimes... and then came the pain. the joy was short lived... i slept thinking it was indigestion....

it's Monday and I'm back to work... the pain was still there and this time it was more pronounced... i felt so bloated and ready to burst... and i was so anxious because the pain was on my right side... i researched on appendicitis in the web, wishing it isn't what I'm having... as i skipped through, i continued to tell myself that it must not be... but the pain continued and my work suffered... it's really hard to think and feel pain at the same time... my work just gave me more stress...

i decided to have a medical check-up when i went out at 7pm... I'm glad that my doc has consultations at night (convenient for the working populace)... i was #17 and the first on the queue just came in... i was hurting and the line was slow... two hours passed and still i was waiting... i decided to have dinner and just thought of an excuse when i come back and my number passed... but when i came back, still i was waiting; the number in was 13... finally its 14... two more and it will be me... but the phone rang and the doctor answered it... minutes passed and she was still on the phone... deep inside, i kept cursing--thinking of ways on how to make her put down that god damn phone... after 25 minutes, the phone was down... and after 40 minutes more of the excruciating pain, it's finally my turn...

i told the doctor of my pain and she too had a thought that this might be appendicitis.. i told her everything and she said that this can also be because of the laxative. upon hearing this, i was thankful... she gave me medicine and suggested a natural and safer laxative, prune juice....

and now everything is normal...thank god everything is fine...

melodrama........44

They say that Filipinos love dramas. I have no idea how they
were able to come up with it. But now I just realized that yes, maybe they do:
maybe we do.

I am not fond of dramatic movies. In fact, I would rather watch comedies and
horrors rather than drama. I just can’t stand the drama. But as I was watching
a non-dramatic TV show (WOWOWEE) today, I just cant believe how affected I was.

The show was held in Reno and Filipinos in America gathered and filled the
stadium. There was a part in the episode where they showed their past
contestants as a tribute to all tfc subscribers who helped the show. It was
also an appreciation of the Filipino spirit who always smiles even in the midst
of a storm. It started with clips of past winners who jumped with joy, filled
with laughter, then of clips with little tears but still smiled after it all. There
was a man who got reunited with his mom after having no contact for decades,
there was woman who expressed her love for her husband after decades of staying
silent. Then there was a taho vendor who vowed to continue his studies now that
he has won an amount. All of them had tears in their eyes. Now as the clips
rolled, I became emotional. Tears started to form.

Then there was a boy who expressed his gratitude to his dad for raising him and
said that even though they were poor, he is still thankful for everything. By
this time, I was now rubbing tears from my eyes. I just can’t take it
anymore. I'm not really the emotional type but I have soft spots for real life
people telling their stories of guilt, affection and appreciation.

Then there was a disabled child (sorry for the term) who even with his ailments
has always stayed cheerful. He sang "hawak kamay" with all his heart
even though he could hardly open his mouth and pronounce the lyrics. It was
just an inspiration. His mom tried to hide her tears and you can see that they
were happy but wished that it could be better. More and more tears are now
forming in my eyes watching that scene. I was smiling the whole time but my
heart was torn and inspired at the same time.

I have no idea why every time I watch scenes like this, this always happens. I
can always think of how miserable their life is; easily gladdened by things I
usually took for granted. It always reminds me of how lucky I am, that I shouldn’t
even be complaining because I have what others don’t. If only my life would be
simpler then I guess I would have appreciated more things. From the stories of
these real people, I would appreciate the beauty of my life. Hopefully, I can
start making this world a better place to live in as well.

Melodramas....

四十三.... the pissed, bored life

it all started with a summer outing which was very enjoyable.
たのしい　夏休み　が　すべて　の　はじまった。

everything was fine and relaxing and all. clean, fresh, white. laughter, joy, gladness. and now that im back in the city, the worst just happened.

i took the chance to be away from work last monday, 21st of may. i asked for a sick leave (muscle cramps and stomach ache which i really felt though if i didnt, i would have given another excuse). i was planning to surf the web the whole day.

i turned on my pc and was happy to be back online after 2 days of zero internet life. i was very pleased browsing at sites i love. i was just checking something when my pc rebooted. i thought it was ok because it already happened in the past. and then i was online again... not until it rebooted once more. then rebooted, and rebooted, and on and off and on and off.

i contacted a computer shop and brought my cpu there. paid for the taxi and went in. everything seems ok there. nothing is wrong. my pc started well. i waited for at least an hour and no rebooting happened. they used all the memory of my pc to make sure if it really wont happen but it didnt. so they cleaned my cpu and advised to reinstall and reformat my cpu. so i bought and external hard disk and paid for their service. went home and paid for a cab.

i plugged it in immediately when i got back and thought that it wont happen again. but i was wrong, it rebooted after a few minutes. now im pissed, i brought my cpu to a friends' house and plugged it there. and to my surprise, it worked well for straight 2 hours... i transferred important files to my mobile hd with hassle. now im puzzled. what do these places have that i dont?

i went back home and reinstalled my operating system(a pirated windows xp professional). i got no problem while doing it. i thought it would reboot in a short while in the middle of the installation but it didnt. i was now glad and hoping that maybe the problem will now be solved. i turned it back on and yoohoo it rebooted once more. f@%k...

i went back to work the next day although i felt drained. at work, all i can think was my pc. i asked my collegues and friends about this and their guess was as good as mine. they suggested that i should buy an avr.one ven suggested that the problem lies with the house and to fix the prob, we should transfer to a new house. of course i cant do the latter so i tried the first. i paid for the avr and bought it home. wow!!!! it didnt help either.

yesterday at the office, i told everyone of the good news--my life sucked. now another advised thats maybe its with the extension cord. and the fool i am, i bought one immediately. we now have a collection of extension cords at home.

now i can say that maybe its with the electricity. yes, its with the house. i have no idea why or how but i can say its with the house. im now advised to buy a ups but im skeptical on this. i should first know if this is really the solution. i just cant waste money now or ill be broke. the next pay day is still far away. im thinking of calling the computer shop again and ask for their advise, or even call the power company on their idea on this.

to be continued...
うつつ。。。

thoughts------四十二

yesterday i have read an article of an American who despised the Filipinos in all aspects. he stated that Filipinos call themselves Asians (Chinese, Japanese) although they are only related to them by location. he also stated that Filipinos has never made any contributions to the world...

this has really made me think.

Filipinos call themselves Asians because we really are Asians... should we call ourselves Europeans but are situated in a region called Asia? thats the main logic in there... i guess what he disagreed on is that some Filipinos call themselves Asians to get little credit of what our Asian big brothers (china and japan) have done in shaping this world. yes they have done many things and yes they are known. but looking back on history, Filipinos were never given the chance to succeed and excel in the world because of the colonizers. Spain colonized us for 300+ years and from then on, the country slept because they were only allowed to learn the "doctrina kristiana" and other religious books. then the Americans came and at least taught us things but the country has never got over the ways in the Spanish period. i guess if the Philippines was not colonized, or just had a better colonizer things would be better.

and now that the Philippines has stood on its feet, now that we have started to learn and adapt to new technologies and new ways, now that we are starting to move forward, some people from other countries look down on us. now that we are starting to move, foreigners criticize us. why not help us move out of this slump instead? why not stop laughing at this slowly emerging country and extend your hand instead? how can people in here grow and contribute to the world when even before we open our mouths to speak, our big brothers(developed countries) have already arrived at conclusions to turn us down?

with 3 colonizers (Spain, us, japan) and with globalization at its height, it is very hard to find what it is to be a Filipino. it is very hard to find what is truly authentic Filipino. that is just impossible. the Filipino race, is a mix of cultures. what the Philippines is today is a result of all the cultures mixed together. we surely have adapted and adopted well to all of these and have made it suitable for us. surely you can find traces of Spanish, American, or any other culture and no one is denying it. it doesn't mean that we are copy cats though. it only means that we adapt well.

i do admit that we Filipinos still lack many things but we are surely getting there. no culture is perfect. why not investigate your cultures first and you will definitely see loopholes in it.