2 days' worth

so this must be rejection,
this must be misfortune.
for one second i thought it was heaven,
but then it was hell.

i kept it to myself how i felt lost.
but you were there and held me up,
and we talked it through,
and i was ok for a while,
and you seemed nice, too.
and it seemed that we clicked,
and i began to feel again,
and wished to be with you.

i never asked but you came,
and for a second i embraced it all.

but...
it hurts...

i can't have you.
you were different,
you were looking for something else.
so this must be why you said to take it slow,
this must be the real reason.
you were just not that into me.
you were not feeling me at all.
i should have read the signs earlier,
i felt so stupid to trust and feel,
but it is a process.
it hurts...

i tried to reach out,
i really tried to.
i am alone again.
i have no hold over you...
it really hurts how one second you made me feel hope.
i must have looked pitiful.
it must be pity for i can't find any reason at all.
i just can't...

i was back in hell...
but for one second i thought it was heaven.
this is my misfortune,
this is rejection.

october 11

when i resolved to chatting, i can't help but wonder if these people are being real to themselves. no one will ever know if they are telling the truth. no one will care too i guess. most people are in for a good time. yeah, i too was there for a good time at first. but somehow as the days pass, i started to look for something else. you'll get bored of the food in front of your monitor eventually. that happened to me. people will look for comfort from people, people need to interact and be a social being. it is a natural urge.

i took the step and started with simple comments. "lol" was a good word to start with; i'm glad it was invented. i was a "loller", the best "loller" in fact... others "lolled" too, but i knew i was the best. lol. it was a pathetic life. some cared but most didn't. and then i grew some courage, spoke some other words. from then on, they knew i could spell more words... it was a huge step. the social urge as they say grew more and more each day.

then came the time that people started to recognise me. some remembered at least. wit was a key factor. i was a natural charmer. it was all with words and nothing else. then came people who started to like and pursue. it was awkward really. but maybe im a natural born flirt, it was never my intention but they fell for me. i am the worst, i must be. so maybe this is what giving wrong signals is. i never had this feeling before. or so i thought... maybe i had. as i waded through this small publicity, i met you.

a simple hi and hello. conversations that kept on for hours was a constant. we promised not to fall for each other. i never did. probably you didn't too. i never had the courage to reveal myself to you. but you were a natural talker too. it was like meeting a duplicate of me. slowly i was barenaked not in a literal way. you will probably shutdown your machine if that was the case. it was easy, not forced at all. i cut down the pursuers as you said, i knew you were happy when i did. i never had any intentions of having this any further but i am a softie. all of a sudden, you made me smile. that was a bad sign. we were constantly joking not to fall but all that time i was already willing to jump this cliff with you. but just as i was about to, you just cant... you were chained down with trouble.

i could not fight against that. you were in that state of uncertainty... you were complicated as you spoke more and more of you to me. i was willing to accept all of that dirt... i really was. i tried to break you free of that chain... i really did. you talked of plans but didn't work for it. you yourself were weighing you down. you were never willing to break that chain in the first place. it was a lossing case... it was hard. but i had to let it go. we were not meant to be. we met at the wrong time.

you were back with your ex. and i have to move on.

i never heard anything from you since oct 11

scarier than halloween

and now im back after a month's hiatus. who would have thought that i'd completely skip october? this project is just insane. imagine 14 hours of work 5 times a week... i am drag...

but for these couple of weeks i was gone, i did not allow myself to drown in despair... no no... not my style at all. while i worked my butts off on weekdays, i let loose on weekends... hmmm... not really but never mind, you know what i mean probably. wahihihi. limited rest indeed! if i were in a similar situation back in the philippines, i will surely whither in no time. (family is not part of the comparison of course. nothing beats the comforts of family. V(^o^)V ) good thing im not!

updates... hmm... well, too bad now though that a new law was passed in japan. p2p downloading is now prohibited!!! now what is the use of a fast internet connection if downloading is illegal, you may ask. well, streaming is still allowed though so i'm not that panicky yet. (who downloads porn these days? oops... slip of the finger. wahihihi) but it really was a huge blow though. finding online versions of your favorite movies and series can be a little frustrating. it takes skill to know what keywords to search for. lol... the new law somehow minimized my things to do when bored in japan.

but who needs internet when there is...

food!!! yum yum

oooops.. that last one was intended. lol.

and...