?

when i see something good, i can't help but appreciate them. when i see something funny, i can't help but laugh. i am not the type who hides my emotions when it comes to things i appreciate. though something that i don't agree of is another story.

now is it my fault if i blurt out what i feel???? is it my fault if i laugh that hard to the point that it is hard to stop???? what do you want me to do then, keep quite always and die of heart attack trying to keep the laughter inside???

you too have your own flaws you know. and i haven't shared that to anyone. i haven't complained anything about it. so stop looking like a saint to others. telling them that i go overboard if someone comments on my laughter. why can't you just stop at "i don't know why"??? why should you add more side comments??? do you know every situation i am at??? just zip that mouth like you always do. it is better to keep it that way than open it and let all the dark things come out. you have no good information to say anyway. you start to say things, and if we inquire about it, you keep it as a secret. what the hell is that??? why should you say things in the first place if you are hiding the details to yourself???

if i laugh out loud, and laugh out some more after, it is not because of your comments ok. your comments are never part of it. you are just full of yourself for thinking that way. if i do make comments on the show i'm watching then it must have really caught my attention. just like your drumming and humming loud when you listen to your music. same as your big laughs when watching things...

yes i do have my flaws, it is my fault that i comment out loud. i usually turn my headphones at great volumes and talking loud is a result of that. i am very sorry for that. but look at you... you speak to your girl on one laptop with your headphone and watch some show on the other laptop... in the wee hours of the night??? do i even complain about your big sounding farts????

no...

blog entry finished in three minutes. go figure what i felt during this. 

and now i'm fine...

soliloquy at solitude

the title is kinda cute. pretty catchy, but it all stops from there. 

for the past 2 weeks, i have been alone in my work place. my seatmate left me and seems like she won't be back at all. why would she be back when all she can ever find is the lowly me, all gloomy and negative... it would have been better if we had other seatmates but nopes, we were placed at a corner with nothing but printers and scanners to listen to everyday. on times where i am bored, i usually browse up sites but this is hard to do in this forsaken place; seniors are lurking near. what a perfect place to shut me up.

at first it was really hard. it would have been better if i were busy with something, but to my surprise i had nothing to do. alone with nothing to do for 8 hours; imagine how bored i am. 

• i joined facebook and added friends to keep me busy. but it was not that long, i ran out of friends. i should start being more sociable.
  
• i started playing games in facebook and concentrated on it. to the people out there who might be amazed and wondered why i leveled up so fast, stop wondering already. it is but a mere result of boredom.
  
• i read all the blogs i can find and commented on almost all of them. i even followed up on comments. the blog world is just crazy and entertaining.
  
• i chewed gum. this kept my mouth busy. excess saliva must be swallowed and is not allowed to pool the keyboard.
• and then i started to explore the workarea, finding people whom i can talk and chat with... how pitiful could i have looked. but it was better than drying up due to boredom... or drowning from your own saliva...
  

i have managed to find a lunch mate and it is quite enjoyable. a lunch without company is just too gloomy (word used twice. this is alarming). i also talked with the temporary friend on the previous posts. i just can't help but talk to him since he sits halfway between me and my lunchmate. and yeah, i don't want to burn bridges. silly me, i could have just smiled back at his stares and walked away. now, the sturdy wooden bridge between us has downgraded to a long, narrow, dangerous swinging hanging bridge with its decaying wooden planks. i would dare not cross over that damn bridge. he might. here is a song dedicated to him. (i also got the time to find song verses. wahihihi.)

Does it hurt to know I'll never be there

Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere

It was you, who chose to end it like you did

I was the last to know

You knew exactly what you were doin'

Don't say, you simply lost your way

They may believe you but I never will

Never again

Never again will I hear you

Never again will I miss you

Never again will I fall to you

Never

i may act stupid ok but i am intelligent.

i was shocked to find out today that his whole team moved to another floor. it made me a little sad. but it also proves that maybe i shouldn't cross that bridge. 

surprisingly though, as i swayed away from him his colleague got closer to me. he came to my seat just to talk. this i appreciated very much and this is what i was longing the temporary friend would do before. i truly appreciate simple acts like this. 

now why did i make this post???? 

because i am bored.

and why was i bored???? 

because the facebook game i was playing is under maintenance. 

また今度!!!

emotions of a cactus

should it be like that???

assures you one day but leaves you for weeks?? am i a fool to even think that it might still work?? maybe to him it will but to me, building trust is much slower than building walls... i just hate the fact that i easily fell for the confession and raised my hopes. 

yes he may be busy but all i am asking is a simple hello. or a simple good morning. he cannot provide those simple things. 

i once had a close friend but he went to singapore to study. the internet was a newly established thing back then and having one is a luxury. we never get to chat but deep inside me nothing has changed. we were still friends, i thought. then there came a time that we have finally discovered messenger, i was ecstatic. but i felt the gap between us every time we chatted. there is just this empty space, vacuous void that i can't fill. we got the chance to meet once but there was nothing there. we grew apart.

now with this experience, i can't help but be paranoid. who says we don't need conversations to stay friends??? i don't believe in that bullshit. how can a relationship grow without words?

conversation is essential in every relationship.

i am no cactus that you can water one day and leave alone for weeks...