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Friday, June 26, 2009

meow meow

what would you do if you want to know the reason behind things?

i have asked regarding this recently. i have always wondered the why's of things. i'm not sure what it will do but my brain just wont stop without knowing the reason. i really don't care if the truth is nasty but my personality is not the type who settles without knowing.

a friend advised to just let things be. you cannot control all things. remember that curiosity killed the cat.

and to my surprise, i told her....
curiosity may have killed the cat, but it killed a satisfied cat.

oh man!!! words of wisdom...

author's warning: the above is not applicable to all. so, handle with care.

Monday, June 22, 2009

ire

there is a limit to things.

this i have believed. no one has an unfathomable patience... this i have lived. i have always kept this in mind so i can stop when it's too much. i have also extended my patience to such extent that i usually laugh only at things... but there are really times where things get into my nerves. there are times where you wished you had just stopped before it crashed and hurt yourself...

it irks me up when i talk and it seems like i'm talking to a wall. do you get what i mean? when i tell something, i want interaction. at least confirm that you heard what i was saying. i don't want to waste my time and energy explaining something to a brick wall. i don't even know if you are listening at all. when you talk, i do listen and give my feedback. i want the same when i talk. it's too unfair for me...

another thing is when i'm trying to make a point and instead i'm made fun of. this pisses me. please know when it's time for jokes and when it is not. why can't you tell where the limit lies? you have stepped out of bounds, poured liquid beyond the cup's limit.

i don't get mad easily but when i'm mad don't you dare talk to me... i'll only stay silent...

i'll be silent for now.

talk to you later when i cooled down...

bye.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

exhausted

i'm so so tired....

a comrade asked me recently, are you happy with your life? back then, i was happy... i still saw something to be happy in this mundane life of mine... back then i was philosophical.. no one is satisfied with their life because man is insatiable.. i too am insatiable but i'm happy discovering how insatiable i can become... i got that simple thought... though i am in constant rant, believe it or not, i am happy...

but don't you dare ask the same question now... i will only accept it as sarcasm...

this is so tiring...

oh please, give me a break...

i need a day-off...

cells need to rest...


Monday, June 8, 2009

painfully unforgettable

till now, i can still recall pieces of hurtful incidents every time i see him... no matter how hard i try to forget things, they are still there... when i thought that it doesn't matter anymore, the moment i see his face everything returns and the feeling is relived. and then i get sad once more... and i self pity... and get angry sometimes...

why won't this brain forget it??? just let it be.. leave him alone... it seems like every time i see him, a dam-ful of emotions is released... hey brain, you have always been my ally. everyone praised your ability to retain information... but that same characteristic of yours is killing you now... why can't you let this small past spill over???

and he looks so normal, as if nothing happened... unlike me who is suffering.

.
.
.

i guess this must be resolved fast... my brain is telling me that i won't be truly satisfied by merely ignoring the person's existence...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

tears

i want to cry...

it is a mixture of emotions really but it makes my eyes well with tears. there is this gloomy aura around me. i don't want to cry but it seems inevitable. damn everything.... all i can recollect now are the worst things. i know that there are many to be thankful for but i can't think of any right now. trying to be positive is not working... at all...

it was not like this this morning... everything was fine earlier. how come that after 2 hours of being awake, i am suddenly feeling the worst???

seeing me reflected in the mirror, you look fine... if you had longer nose, it wouldn't fit with your small eyes and mouth... i am not dissatisfied with the way i look but i'm very much disappointed with these pimple red scars left on my face... they are happily living on my face for a year now... seriously, they should leave... their contract is long overdue. i have tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them but they are just stubborn...

"the irritating one" beside me is getting more irritating. her antics are getting to me. the more i hear her non-energetic voice, the more i feel like bursting. she doesn't feel like working, she said... but her keyboard typing sound is non-stop with the many chat windows open in her screen... all she does is chat all day or read a book all day... and she squirms when she sees her crush and looks at me waiting for some assurance or something... i will never appreciate such girly-plastic-doll moves. to hell with that.

emails are flooding asking for advise. they ask for advise even for the simplest, littlest of things... do you seriously need my input for your email asking for closing of server ports???? it is as simple as:

dear server owners,

please confirm the services running on the below ports. application is not using them so please close them as well if they are not needed.
ports xxx, yyyy

thank you,

is there really a need to ask for inputs on this very short email format??? this is another irritant... i am working in the IT industry so sorry for some jargon.

been checking news about my asian addictions, too... yeah, i am a fanboy... and i'm super glad that they will finally be having a concert in tokyo dome. i really wish i can go and see them live.. but the ticket prices are way above my budget... and it is hard to even understand the procedures for buying a ticket... japan is getting weirder and weirder each day. i'm here closer to my addiction but still so far away... go DBSK!!! go TOHOSHINKI!!! i will still support you, though not during your concert... wahuhuhuhu. i wanna cry some more...

finally, i am an avid reader of blogs. these blogs are supposedly a stress reliever, but today it is not working... the blogs post stuff about their relationships... about their simple conversations in bed... about their struggles of wanting to spend more time with the partner... i can't help but be jealous. i too want to have a partner to share things with, cuddle with, lean on, joke with, laugh with, hug with, etc... i think i am a very sensitive person so i will truly enjoy even those simple things... but i have no one to do those stuff to... i only have myself... thinking back, i can't help but remember how brokenhearted i was with usagi-chan. and we were just friends to begin with. but i did share things with him, leaned on him, joked and laughed with him... i wonder how i would have felt if it were a loving relationship and ended so sudden.... we still see each other though and greet with simple hellos. but it was never like before... do i miss him??? yes. does he miss me??? ...

while writing, my heart would like to burst. and my eyes would like to shed... good thing that lunch time is coming...

TT_TT
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