reality check

for some reason, i need to expand my horizon once again.

i don't want to be stuck with the now yet, no way. now how would i do that?

it's time for some reality check first.

1. hello innocente, you don't always get what you want.

• to whoever told me that i can, you are absolutely wrong. i don't. for if i did, i would have a better hunkier body. i'm not complaining with my chunks now, but i could do more. i am a work in progress. only abnormal people have perfect bodies right away.
• and you know what, i could have been in the arms of someone right now. but boohoo, i am not. so nada. there it goes. puff!

2. hello innocente, do not assume that all people are like you.

• not all are as happy natured as you are. not all are as loyal as you are. not all are of the same wavelength as yours. you just have to accept this fact. you just have to lower your expectations or you will only get disappointed. do not expect much from the people around you. you just can't. remember that not all can take the greatness of who you are. better hold that head high and face the world head on. you bitches are plain bitches. wahahahaha. welcome the best bitch in town. wahahaha.

3. hello innocente, be always prepared.

• you don't know what these people's true motives are. these are all thinking people, not like you. and why do i always end up relying on feelings? use your brain for once. life is too short got to live it long. do not be taken advantage of. there are some things better left unsaid or they will fire back taking some form which will eventually cause some tragedy.

and what spurred this all?

you do not need to know.

district higashigotanda represented.

welcome to the hunger games.

those little nothings missed

for a little over than a week now, i have been working my butts off as if there is no tomorrow. in just that short span of time, it makes you realize the importance of small things.

1. i miss eating dinner together with my housemates
• it is not the eating per se but more on the small talks that comes with it. i haven't spent much time with them yet. solong solo ko na sana ang mga ito pero ngayon pa talaga naging ganito ka busy. hay buhay, napakamapaglaro mo talaga. gusto ko nang laruin ang mga housemates ko. parang ang sagwa pakinggan pero go pa din.
2. i miss lunch time with my officemate
• and he happens to be a housemate as well. last resort ko na sana ito para malaman ang mga kaganapan sa loob ng bahay ng mga aliping saguiguilid(metaphor lamang po, of course our situation is nowhere near the aliping saguiguilid status). and there it goes, my last resort just puffed. i miss the short non-work related break. i miss the going-to-the-combini-together-to-buy-snacks. i miss our happy days and our happy times. if we were only in the same room then it would have been ok. this really sucks. (oi oi oi... pampakilig ra ni na number actually. bwahahahha.)
3. i miss the nonsense chat with online friends
• what else can i say, i have been spending the whole time trying to plan this project out. thinking hurts you know. and trying to explain yourself in another language is triple the headache. i have not experienced anything close to this i think(if you know me you would know that this is an exaggeration. there are so many other things more TROUBLEsome than this).
4. i mss my online drama and online anime
• i haven't seen my korean and japanese stars(both human and drawn) for a long time now.
5. i miss my japanese class and test
• usually, meron akong 1 hour class na nihongo sa umaga. eh paano ngayon yan ni wala nga akong oras para uminom ng tubig. ay oo nga pala, miss ko din ang uminom ng tubig. balik muna tayo sa test. ang hirap naman din kasi nitong mga kanji na ito. kung madali lang eh di sana hindi din ito tatagal ng isang oras din. pero nakakamiss din pala. gusto ko nang maging grade 5(mga kanji na pang grade 4 pa lang kami ngayon).
6. i miss drinking water
• as i'ce said earlier, nakakalimutan ko nang uminom ng tubig. i usually drink 3 bottles of water but i can't hardly finish one right now. my mind is always somewhere else that it can no longer trigger my hand to grab the water bottle for me to drink.
7. nakakamiss din mag blog
• as if palagi din akong nagboblog. pero miss ko talaga siya ngayon. at least dati nakakapagisip ako, "ano kaya ang magandang iblog? hmmm... paano kaya isulat yun? hmmm... eh meron kayang babasa? hmmm... ay h'wag nalang, tinatamad ako." o diba may choice. pero ngayon, "ano nga yang blog?".

but then at the end of the day (night i mean), i am still alive. and as the song says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... stronger...

hay.

i'd rather go to the gym and be stronger than experience this whole thing. but since i am a little masochistic, i guess this is fine. gosh, i am full of contradictions.

memories of yesterdays

I just saw "the vow" and wow, it struck me in a way. How misserable could life be if suddenly someone forgets about you? How painful could it get if the one you love don't even recognize you anymore? and somehow, this felt not so foreign to me at all. In a way, i have experienced the same. It is not as life changing as car crashes nor amnesia. But still i can relate to some extent.

All of a sudden everything changed. It got bland. It's as if the past got totally erased from his mind. we were so close back then and then suddenly, bam!, goodbye. and it hurts so badly seeing him suddenly change. it pains me that he no longer talks nonsense to me. i don't know what triggered it. i don't know what the catalyst of the change was. but i do know the pain after. and the worst part was that he was totally healthy; no head injuries, no amnesia. totally healthy and even getting fatter each day.

we were not in a relationship. so how much more painful could it be in "the vow"'s case? i just can't imagine and i don't want to have the same fate. but then in the movie, the character tried and succeeded. and became happy again for regaining their past happiness. but for my case, err.... yeah i tried. and we talked about it. he reassured that nothing changed. but yet... deep in me i knew that it was not the same. from then i lost faith... the joy was good while it lasted... it will serve nothing but a memory and a lesson well learned. but don't get me wrong, i am happy now.

this really sucked. for bringing back those memories. for making me write about him again, "the vow" must really be effective. "the vow" was a painful journey but yet it ended happily. who doesn't want a movie to end on a good note? everyone wishes for a happy ending, don't we?