errr... update...

i would like to welcome myself back into the writing world.

after a long hiatus and probably lots more after, i'm writing again. well not really writing since writing involves something with sense and thought. this one is rather a spontaneous flow of words, if there is even one...

there goes my first halt, or should i say mental block. well writing now is not as easy as before. life was easier then and more activities come and go. but as we (ahem) age (ahem) less and less of it came. i still long for adventure but i'm no longer diving into anything without a clear purpose. growing (ahem) old (ahem)  probably makes you boring. 30 is a bit old, on the edge; 2 more years and calendar dates no longer bear your age. but as they say, bingo cards go until 75.

wait, wait, i'm no 30 and this entry is not about age.

errr...

this entry is another of those random nothingness without any topic.
total waste of your time so i'd rather cut this short.

i'm still alive!!! that's all.

bye!

(L is too cute not to post, all credits go to the artist! visit his/her page here)

of zippers and typhoons

in countries which experiences pronounced cold and hot season, it is not uncommon for people to wear jackets during the cold ones. i happen to be in one of those countries and as a common man, i wore a jacket, a leather one. it gave me the warmth specially needed in an 11degree weather.

as we were walking to the station, i tried to open up the jacket and to my surprise (or rather to my expectations) the zipper wont budge. it was stuck. i kept on telling this to my coworker who i came with. as i was trying to open it, it only got tighter and closer to my neck. this time i got a little panicky. i know that trains are hot and jam-packed, good ingredients for me to sweat a lot and probably panic some more. while riding the train, i tried to open the damn zipper the whole time. and my coworker beside me was so indifferent (i don't know if she was thinking of something to the point that she wouldn't bother). i asked her to help me. and she did. it opened up a bit enough for me feel a bit better. and i was thankful. but it still wont open all the way she said. and then she returned to her indifferent state. it was frustrating really. somehow, i felt helpless and alone while walking to the office. i continually tried to unzip with my indifferent coworker beside me. so close yet so far, i knew then that i was alone and will suffer alone in this. i stayed stuck for 30mins or so. a simple word of encouragement would have been better but nopes. i couldn't blame her though for it was all my fault why i wore that damn jacket.

while i was in this helpless state, i couldn't help but wonder how the typhoon yolanda (haiyan) victims felt back home in the philippines. i'm not saying that this is even comparable to their sufferings, not at all. the difference is beyond compare. but here is my analogy.

when i got in that trouble, i wasn't expecting any help at first. but somehow it came to a point when the trouble was prolonged and i wished even for simple gestures of people around. that feeling when you are desperate but the people around just don't care or just chose to ignore your suffering is the worst feeling. now imagine the typhoon victims. probably at first, they were trying to stay strong and tried to solve their own misery. but as the days progressed on and the sufferings continued, i think most of them are at the point where even a simple help would mean a lot. of course, a bigger help would be better but at least don't be indifferent. the victims should feel that they are not alone in this trial, that this will come to pass, that we can do this together one way or another. the whole filipino people should at least care and show sympathy. the victims need hope, they need to feel cared for.i knew in the back of my head that for the worst, i could just cut out the zipper and sacrifice the jacket for me to get free. but these victims have no last alternative. how could they possibly get out of this situation with the least damage? it is virtually impossible... makes it even a stronger reason for all of us to extend help in any way we can. these victims will need years to rebuild (and recover) and they will need our support to do so. do not be idle and indifferent, HELP IN ANY WAY YOU CAN!!! i know that all of us will emerge stronger and fitter to face all battles ahead after all of this.

as for my minute battle, i ended up using soap from our office toilet before the zipper opened. my sufferings immediately vanished but a lesson is forever etched in my heart -- i choose to be a citizen of the world who cares for his fellowmen. somehow, people need simple tragedies of their own to learn life lessons. mine just happened to be with a zipper.

LAGging handa

just when i was excited of a new thing, just when i was dreaming of something cool, the dreaded happened. my most precious dreams of acquiring the best weapons failed, my wish of having purple sets vanished.

yesterday was the start of this incident. if i were used to a slow paced life then it would have been ok but im not. i favor a dynamic fast moving life. this has really become a burden. of all the times, why now? of all people, why me? is this a hint for me to quit? im not sure. but if this goes on, i might consider that option.

lag kills.

it is very hard to play an mmorpg when your movement LAGS!!!

i just joined an event and my character just stood there for all to be killed. and i just couldnt fight back because i could not even click their character. when the movement comes back, my character is already dead. nice!!!

how can i play when my screen pauses for every 3 steps my character does?

and why now when there is a special event?

ok.

it must be a sign.

~just couldnt help but rant on something i am passionate with~

fall

yeah, i already promised to myself not to write emo stuff again but i can't help it.
i can't help but wonder what wrong i have done...

hmmm...

well...

i guess this is goodbye...
and this is what i was most afraid of...

us drifting apart.

ow sorry, there was never an us.
that was all in my dreams.

i guess this is me backing off
coz it really hurts.

and i was willing to throw myself into it but i can't jump off when it seems no one is there to catch me or even pick me up...

2 days' worth

so this must be rejection,
this must be misfortune.
for one second i thought it was heaven,
but then it was hell.

i kept it to myself how i felt lost.
but you were there and held me up,
and we talked it through,
and i was ok for a while,
and you seemed nice, too.
and it seemed that we clicked,
and i began to feel again,
and wished to be with you.

i never asked but you came,
and for a second i embraced it all.

but...
it hurts...

i can't have you.
you were different,
you were looking for something else.
so this must be why you said to take it slow,
this must be the real reason.
you were just not that into me.
you were not feeling me at all.
i should have read the signs earlier,
i felt so stupid to trust and feel,
but it is a process.
it hurts...

i tried to reach out,
i really tried to.
i am alone again.
i have no hold over you...
it really hurts how one second you made me feel hope.
i must have looked pitiful.
it must be pity for i can't find any reason at all.
i just can't...

i was back in hell...
but for one second i thought it was heaven.
this is my misfortune,
this is rejection.

october 11

when i resolved to chatting, i can't help but wonder if these people are being real to themselves. no one will ever know if they are telling the truth. no one will care too i guess. most people are in for a good time. yeah, i too was there for a good time at first. but somehow as the days pass, i started to look for something else. you'll get bored of the food in front of your monitor eventually. that happened to me. people will look for comfort from people, people need to interact and be a social being. it is a natural urge.

i took the step and started with simple comments. "lol" was a good word to start with; i'm glad it was invented. i was a "loller", the best "loller" in fact... others "lolled" too, but i knew i was the best. lol. it was a pathetic life. some cared but most didn't. and then i grew some courage, spoke some other words. from then on, they knew i could spell more words... it was a huge step. the social urge as they say grew more and more each day.

then came the time that people started to recognise me. some remembered at least. wit was a key factor. i was a natural charmer. it was all with words and nothing else. then came people who started to like and pursue. it was awkward really. but maybe im a natural born flirt, it was never my intention but they fell for me. i am the worst, i must be. so maybe this is what giving wrong signals is. i never had this feeling before. or so i thought... maybe i had. as i waded through this small publicity, i met you.

a simple hi and hello. conversations that kept on for hours was a constant. we promised not to fall for each other. i never did. probably you didn't too. i never had the courage to reveal myself to you. but you were a natural talker too. it was like meeting a duplicate of me. slowly i was barenaked not in a literal way. you will probably shutdown your machine if that was the case. it was easy, not forced at all. i cut down the pursuers as you said, i knew you were happy when i did. i never had any intentions of having this any further but i am a softie. all of a sudden, you made me smile. that was a bad sign. we were constantly joking not to fall but all that time i was already willing to jump this cliff with you. but just as i was about to, you just cant... you were chained down with trouble.

i could not fight against that. you were in that state of uncertainty... you were complicated as you spoke more and more of you to me. i was willing to accept all of that dirt... i really was. i tried to break you free of that chain... i really did. you talked of plans but didn't work for it. you yourself were weighing you down. you were never willing to break that chain in the first place. it was a lossing case... it was hard. but i had to let it go. we were not meant to be. we met at the wrong time.

you were back with your ex. and i have to move on.

i never heard anything from you since oct 11

scarier than halloween

and now im back after a month's hiatus. who would have thought that i'd completely skip october? this project is just insane. imagine 14 hours of work 5 times a week... i am drag...

but for these couple of weeks i was gone, i did not allow myself to drown in despair... no no... not my style at all. while i worked my butts off on weekdays, i let loose on weekends... hmmm... not really but never mind, you know what i mean probably. wahihihi. limited rest indeed! if i were in a similar situation back in the philippines, i will surely whither in no time. (family is not part of the comparison of course. nothing beats the comforts of family. V(^o^)V ) good thing im not!

updates... hmm... well, too bad now though that a new law was passed in japan. p2p downloading is now prohibited!!! now what is the use of a fast internet connection if downloading is illegal, you may ask. well, streaming is still allowed though so i'm not that panicky yet. (who downloads porn these days? oops... slip of the finger. wahihihi) but it really was a huge blow though. finding online versions of your favorite movies and series can be a little frustrating. it takes skill to know what keywords to search for. lol... the new law somehow minimized my things to do when bored in japan.

but who needs internet when there is...

food!!! yum yum

oooops.. that last one was intended. lol.

and...

in transit

transitions are hard to handle, i know this first hand. when in transition it means that something new is here; something new is creeping into your stable existence. and whether you like it or not, it will stay giving you no other choice but to have a transition. a transition from the old to the new: from the usual to the unknown.

it is always hard knowing what ticks the other. and yes you will be doing it again since you are in transition. there is that element of surprise as you go by again. "what to do and what not to do" is another question that keeps lingering. an uncertain period it surely is.

but transition periods usually determine how the future will be. whether you will be happy or not depends on how well you handled a transition period.

expect me not to back down during this period... coz i won't... my stable existence will remain stable and it will not be shaken. i won't allow it. it will pass and we will all be on our wings flying. but unlike icarus who fell, we will soar and be successful.

wet but dry

For some reason i cannot fathom, i happened to be with beautiful-eyes chan and loud-cook on a car. It was probably going somewhere for quite sometime now. We were so engrossed in a conversation i couldn't recall when we passed by a girl acquaintance. For some strange turn of events, we decided to take her with us and have some fucking good time with emphasis on fucking (yeah, this entry is a little for adults only. sorry guys, but i got to write what i got to write). The plan was to have some girl with beautiful-eyes and then me with beautiful-eyes action. I couldn't imagine how great that must be for eyes-chan but it must also be tiring and stressful.

So off we went to loud-cook's abode so we can start at the earliest. With only some drinks offered but never accepted, the girl and eyes-chan undressed and caressed each other: slowly and passionately until only their undies were left--black and purple (i'm very much colorblind but those sure were undies). Lips were so locked up that air couldn't possibly enter. It was hot. HOT hot! Piping HOT hot! And sorry but i couldn't contain myself from not joining the fun. I just had too. I was driven by lust and nothing else. I even forgot what i was there for. My sexuality was out of the question. I just had to do it. I fondled the girl's pinkish part. Yeah i did. And yeah it was wet. But as my fingers tried to dug in further, the girl shrunk and shrunk to the point that even my pinky couldn't fit in any longer. It was a disaster! And a total turn off. It's as if she wouldn't allow any part of me to enter her. Was i that disgusting or horrible to her? I couldn't tell. But the moment i got away, she puffed back to normal and they continued their joy to the last drop. It must have been great, they were covered in sweat. It must have been sweet. And i want to have my share.

It was my turn to get happy finally. And i was excited, or at least some part of me was. I allowed some time for eyes-chan to recover. But the doorbell rang. Damn! A friend of the cook's came. Total disaster! So i waited for him to leave. And it seemed like ages has passed. I got engrossed in the conversation as well.

Then i realized that i was left alone with the girl. And i was comforting her for some reason. In that situation i had bigger issues than her; where are eyes-chan and the cook? The girl talked like crazy: a soliloquy but with me in it. She was complaining about her life. No one has loved her ever since. Hmmm... familiar story; she must have read my autobiography. She was crying and sappy in my arms when eyes-chan and the cook came back. It appeared that eyes-chan and the cook went to church. They must be repenting for whatever sins they are about to commit to my willing body. I gave a smile; I can see the hunger in eyes-chan's eyes and i loved it. Who am i to deny such earthly pleasures? That was enough for me. As we were about to satiate our carnal desires, the doorbell rang, again.

Relatives of the cook were welcomed in and it seems they were not going anywhere else for quite some time. What? It was a disaster? I haven't even touched flesh! I haven't even unbuckled my belt. Prolonging my pleasure for the second time was not what i was looking for. I was desperate but i am not an exhibitionist. This was a dilemma i cannot solve. I was planning to be as expressive (read as noisy) as i can. But all of it turned to waste. Eyes-chan and the cook were also frustrated. But how should we proceed?

I had to wake up from this nightmare, that was the answer. And i did... frustrated...

It was not the pleasure i was after. But it was the frustration from having to wait. It was a bad timing but hindered twice must be an omen. I shouldn't be frustrated by a dream, i know. But this one seemed like a reflection of the reality... I am still single... I am still a virgin.

But i can still dream. Which means that i can still sleep. Which means that i will still be waking up in tomorrow's present.

What a dry wet dream... Nightmare!

wants and wishes

i just stumbled upon this block of letters above that i would like to share with you guys. this actually came from twitter (i'm completely ripping it off @iTweetFacts' tweet ). what amazes me though is how it claims to tell you what you want in life. i mean, seriously? can a random block of letters really tell me what i want? skeptic but i did gave it a try in the end.

LOVE - hmmm. interesting! hmmm yeah! who doesn't want love? duh! but secretly, i was pondering over this for quite some time now. seriously, i'm starting to think about settling down. i want to have my own home where i can return to, my own family who will welcome me and kiss me when i get back from work, my own private harem. oops! all of these except the last, can only be realized with love. so yeah, i wanted it. i'm craving for it in fact.

HAPPINESS - wow! this i can also understand. who doesn't want to be happy? hello?!?!?! with so much negativity around, to be happy seems like a privilege. surprisingly, i have started to block out the negative thoughts recently. in fact, the best advice i got yesterday was for me to block all the people who will only give me wrinkles. so far, i think i have done well. i want to give myself a pat in the back (this is not in the block of letters though, T^T ). reconsider old hobbies, uncover pent up emotions, explore the unexplored facets of me -- these are my plans to happiness.

EXPERIENCE - bwahahahaha. exposed!!! and i was about to call this letter block a hoax. bwahahhaha... yeah i am a virgin in many ways. so... yeah, i want to experience many things in many ways. on second thought, i need to experience them ASAP. this made me laugh, for goodness sake. this block of letters can really tell what you want in life. i can attest to that.


try it and see its power. :D

better left unsaid

There are things better left unsaid. Last friday was a little bare all for me. Why were they suddenly asking those questions?

It was a little embarrassing. Really, i do get shy as well. I was embarrassed and got red too. If not for some alcohol (alcohol loosens the tongue, though i'm not yet drunk but at least i'm good in acting) i wouldn't be able to answer those. With charm hopefully... who would have thought that they would ask about my sexuality? Hmm. Next topic please -- if i had the choice but that would be so uncool. No charm at all. And besides, i know that i will have to deal with it sometime... with people who matters most. Better try to explain now and gain some confidence, practice should i say?

All i got left was to say what i feel, that is not hard at all. But that made them more confused. Who wouldn't be? I'm confused myself; i wouldn't expect them not to be. Bwahhaha. Just allow me to explore some more and then maybe i will have the answer by then. But right now i am an asexual being. Oh wait, that is not the right term but i haven't thought much about that so let me explore both worlds for now. Whoever comes and makes me happy, i would gladly accept. The lack of experience is a big part of it...

And that makes all the difference.

But what shocked me more was how others handled the same question. Awkward but it doesn't matter. The question was awkward in the first place. And who wants to talk that stuff with your boss? No one! Hope my mouth saved him a bit, let all the attention be mine for something this weird.

Better left unsaid right? It'd better be.


PS. the thai food was great. Spicy but great. But whatever comes in, needs to come out. Imagine how spicy that was. bwahahahha.

romeos

i watched a rather interesting film last night and i would like to share it with you guys. pardon for my naivety; i do not watch movies for their cinematography nor any other technical aspects (i do admit that costume and set sometimes triggers me to watch movies). but i watch movies either because i am intrigued by the movie (plot included), the actors look great (contributes around 70% for less advertised movies), there is some fun involved (that includes either comedy or hot seduction), or any mix of the above. that is how unreliable i am.

here is my write-up for Romeos, a 2011 German film.

let me start by saying that the movie was really something. it started with a man, Lukas (rick okon), who just moved to Cologne and was accidentally assigned to the female dormitories. well at least that was what it seemed to me initially. the first scene was awkward with Lukas entering the toilet examining himself in the mirror and then suddenly a woman with towel wrapped around her body(obviously from the shower) came in view. she then screamed her lungs out.

lusang gitisud

bisan ug asa ka pa anaa, naa gyuy mga panahon na wala kay lingaw. dinhi sa japan, kay pwerte man ka paspas sa internet, aw natural, ang among buhaton aning mga alaut na panahon kay may kalabutan sa internet.

sa usa ka adlaw'ng alaot, na bore gyud ko. ambot unsay nisulod sa akong utok atong mga panahuna nga nag-apil-apil man ko ug chatroom. pwerte sad nakong lingawa hinuon kay aligre man sab kaayo ang mga gipangchat sa mga tawo. pero mao lagi na, pareho sa kasagarang chatroom daghan sad kaayo mag flirt-flirt. nalibog gyud ko pero karong panahuna murag tanang tawo kay bigaon na man siguro oi. sorry kaayo sa term pero ambot oi, kung walay biga kay di man siguro managhan ang chatroom. aw naa sad bayay mga tarong sa sugod, pero biga ra gihapon ang padulngan (kasakit! naunay ko. wahahhaa).

nag hilom-hilom pa ko pag-una; lisod baya ning wala ka kahibalo pa kung unsay mga kalihukan. unya silang tanan kay murag dugay nang kaila baya. nagbasa-basa ra sa ko ug mga messages ug nagsigi ug agik-ik. sa wa lang damha nagreply na ko ug "lol @ pangan". mura ra sad ni'g akong kalaki sa facebook sad ba na kusog kaayo mo like. well unsaon ta man na wala may like sa chat gud. pwerte gyud nakong pagkalingaw sa ilang mga gipang isturyahan.

ug sa dihang naay ni message sa chatroom na nangita daw siya ug friend, kinsa daw ang ganahan. aw nimessage ra sad ko na ganahan ko. sa laktod na pagkaisturya, nag chat na mi sa skype. o sosyal, nag skype-skype na. sturya mi ug work, iyang uyab, ug iyang mga plano sa kinabuhi. ug kay naglisod baya ko'g filipino gamay, nagsige ra gyud ko ug ngisi. amaw-amawan lang ang show ba. nagpakita dayon siya ug pictures niya sa facebook, ug niingon na "ang panget ko no?". aw ang ako sad, care ko kung panget  na friendship ra baya gyud akong tuyo. ako na lang sad giclick. kung laing tawo ang motan-aw ato for sure normal ra gyud to na nawng. unya unsaon ta man na hilason man ko, taas-taas baya ko ug standards unya di man gyud siya kapasar... naglibog na dayon ko kung unsay itubag. alangan man sad ug ingnon nako na "ahh ikaw to? sige busy pala ako, chat you next time na lang". honest gyud diay siya, ako na lang gi-ingnan na "ahh ikaw to, angayan lagi imong uyab. (in filipino of course. bwahahhaha)". 

ug sa dihang nikalit na man siya ug ingon na love na daw ko niya. hala! kakuyaw! murag usa ka oras pa gani ta nagchat, unya diba naa man kay uyab? tanga-tangahan mode nasad ko, aw gikataw-an lang sad nako. palihis topic, gisukit-sukit ug maayo sa iyang uyab. nitubag ra sad ang kagwang. sa pagkadugay sa sturya, nibalik na sad ug "i love you". samoka! ako sad giingnan, "akala ko ba friends lang hinahanap mo?". ug gireplyan sad ko'g, "may kasunod yun, or a serious relationship. ano ba intindi mo dun?". aw ako ra sad giingnan na abi nako ug friendly relationship. unya nangutana dayon siya kung love sad daw ba nako siya. hala kuyawa! lupig pa man shotgun ani. mura siya'g lusa na lami tusdon (sugod karon, panganlan na siya nako'g lusa). while nagsige siya ug labyu-labyu nako, nagsige sad ug panghatag ug number ang kagwang sa chatroom. nagsige pa gyud ug panghagad ug eyeball sa bisan kinsa na lang tawo. ataka! mao na diay ni lab-lab run, "one-to-many relationship"? nahurt akong pride da, ako sad gireplyan sa chatroom na "go @ lusa". ug ni katawa ra sad. nibalik na sad ug chat nako sa skype na love lagi daw ko niya. ako sad siya giingnan na "di kasi ako naniniwala sa long distance relationship (samot na sa through chat lang no). but we are friends". winner!!! 

hangtud karon kay nagsige lang gihapon mi ug chat. aw don't get me wrong, lingaw man gyud siya ka chat kung dili lang maabot sa labyu-labyu. ako siya na-pangutana once na kung modemand ko na buwagan ang iyang uyab, iya bang buwagan. wow nice kaayo ang tubag, mao daw na ang kondisyon niya sa iyang mga nakarelasyon na dili daw niya buwagan iyang uyab. hala! unsa ni, disclaimer??? "no other woman" ang role nako ani da. bwahahhaha. di ko mabuhi ana oi. possessive baya ko, ang akong ganahan kay ako ra ang center sa iyang attention. kacute ra nako ah, dapat na siya makontento nako oi!

nalibog sad gyud ko kung nganong naa gyu'y mga tawo na feeling kaayo na god's gift to humanity sila. love as many as you can... share yourself to all... ang problema pa gyud kay kaning mga tawhana kay dili pa gyud kaayo mga ambongan. haller!!! lusa ra ka oi, wa ka nalipong??? "one-to-one" ra man gani si anne curtis ug si erwan(feeling close?!?!?!?!).

public nudity

after a big fiesta last sunday, a friend and i decided to go to the onsen. well, we actually planned this ahead but i was never sure if it would push through. but yeah it did. lucky! i never planned to invite male colleagues and i strived very hard to get them out of the plan. i am not in my perfect shape to be seen naked just yet. oops... i guess i should have mentioned first that people get naked once inside the onsen. it is not a rare practice: getting naked that is. japanese people get naked even in the dressing rooms, how much more inside a public huge hot bathroom. there goes my queue for what an onsen is (^o^)

after getting lost for about 3 minutes, we found the place. i wasn't expecting it to be on the 3rd and 4th floor of a mall though. who would have thought this is possible? my first onsen was near a waterfall, my second was on a spacious almost desserted part of the city. and now, on a mall? how convenient! and how varied these places are in.

1500 for the onsen and another 700 for the rock bed sauna, not bad for high priced tokyo living. men and women have separate rooms for the onsen. though there are others which have mixed bathing, people usually don't get naked in these cases. so that means that i'll be seeing lots of dangling objects for this one.

it was my first in this place so my friend and i decided to meet back outside (with full clothes on) after 15 minutes. deal! when i went in the men's, first thing that came to view was the dressing area with all the lockers for the clothes. along with the lockers were the naked men. i was expecting this much. it really has something to do with the custom i suppose, i was carefully slowly getting off my clothes while people around me are rushing to get them off. peeling off my clothes but my undies, i inspected the towels received from the front desk. one big, for drying self after getting wet. and another small, the only piece of cloth allowed inside the wet area. i can still remember the first time i went in in an all naked onsen; my japanese colleagues told me that the small towel is usually soaked in cold water and placed on top of your head to keep your head cool, at least. they even said that those who walk in covering themselves with the towel usually gets stared at. knowing this, i took off everything and walked in proud. in all naked glory... not before a little panic attack earlier when i couldn't lock my closet. ;)

IT reasons

never mind some of the spelling but i just have to share this to everyone. kudos to the original facebook sharer.

now if you too, are in the IT industry, how many of the reasons above fits you?

blue

no one bothered to mention anything at all. that is what hurts the most. i don't want to be left out, i don't want to feel ostracized. a simple heads up would have been okay. i could have just let it slip away.

what have i done wrong to deserve this? i just can't hide this frustration at all over a small thing.

but why do i feel a little agitated over such a small thing? i don't know... but their reason, though it must have been a joke, only made it worse. and it was never the small thing that mattered.

no one bothered to mention...

no one bothered to tell...

that is what hurts the most.

chapter 4 page 74

i usually read a book while riding on a train going to and from work. and like the usual, i was reading a book once on a drizzling day. though the train was a bit packed than the usual and i will be left standing until  my last stop probably, this did not stop me from my reading.

so there i was with legs getting a bit sore from trying hard not to fall flat on this fast moving train when i opened chapter 4. moving forward until around the end of the chapter, the scenes got into me. somehow i felt what the character felt. the character on a last note, unable to keep her mouth shut, uttered words of thanks in honor of a dead pal and the crowd respected her more for that. they even gave her the sign which was only used in her district to show their appreciation.

i was so engrossed with this scene that my eyes began to swell. what?!?!?! though this is a bit common when watching ultraemotional daily life movies, this is a first while reading a book. i immediately stopped and concentrated to keep those moist from welling (and eventually fall as tears). i'm sure the people around me would also find it weird, sobbing while reading a book surely isn't common. i wouldn't even acknowledge myself if a single tear would fall. water from eyes, please go away. suck them all back in, eyes... with all my might it eventually ceased. good grief! and now, it is nothing but a good laugh.

try reading the book and see for yourself. just let the emotions flow and wait for the dreaded chapter 4. hmmm... but you have to read the first book to have a full gist of the story i think. nonetheless, it is still a good read.

catching fire.

blinders

is it right to reflect your anger to others? is it right to burst out to people who haven't done you wrong?

i don't think so.

but i guess i have done this a couple of times myself, i admit.

when things don't go your way, i don't think it is right to blame them to others. i always think that things happen because of our own doings. that is why a coward like me do not go that far, for if i do i know i will fall off this flat disc of an earth. but you who have gone far should have known that it is painful once you fall back to the ground. for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction, even physics knows that. so how come it seems that people haven't learned this yet?

i always try to be centered on matters like this and i know that people have limits. but can you please look into yourself first before getting angry at the world? reexamine your deeds and discover the reasons of things. take off those blinders for once and see where people are coming from. it is really quite unfair to hear stuff even you yourself find hard to speak of. you are only seeing your path, be responsible okay. when people tell you words, you immediately clam up and start barking. come on. i get it that you don't want to be told so i stopped. stand up in what you believe in if you insist but do not put down others nor use your powers to bring them harm. what a mighty pen, or keyboard rather. but i know that somewhere down in that smoke filled body, there is still a human who knows right from wrong. be the better man.

words hurt.

reality check

for some reason, i need to expand my horizon once again.

i don't want to be stuck with the now yet, no way. now how would i do that?

it's time for some reality check first.

1. hello innocente, you don't always get what you want.

• to whoever told me that i can, you are absolutely wrong. i don't. for if i did, i would have a better hunkier body. i'm not complaining with my chunks now, but i could do more. i am a work in progress. only abnormal people have perfect bodies right away.
• and you know what, i could have been in the arms of someone right now. but boohoo, i am not. so nada. there it goes. puff!

2. hello innocente, do not assume that all people are like you.

• not all are as happy natured as you are. not all are as loyal as you are. not all are of the same wavelength as yours. you just have to accept this fact. you just have to lower your expectations or you will only get disappointed. do not expect much from the people around you. you just can't. remember that not all can take the greatness of who you are. better hold that head high and face the world head on. you bitches are plain bitches. wahahahaha. welcome the best bitch in town. wahahaha.

3. hello innocente, be always prepared.

• you don't know what these people's true motives are. these are all thinking people, not like you. and why do i always end up relying on feelings? use your brain for once. life is too short got to live it long. do not be taken advantage of. there are some things better left unsaid or they will fire back taking some form which will eventually cause some tragedy.

and what spurred this all?

you do not need to know.

district higashigotanda represented.

welcome to the hunger games.

those little nothings missed

for a little over than a week now, i have been working my butts off as if there is no tomorrow. in just that short span of time, it makes you realize the importance of small things.

1. i miss eating dinner together with my housemates
• it is not the eating per se but more on the small talks that comes with it. i haven't spent much time with them yet. solong solo ko na sana ang mga ito pero ngayon pa talaga naging ganito ka busy. hay buhay, napakamapaglaro mo talaga. gusto ko nang laruin ang mga housemates ko. parang ang sagwa pakinggan pero go pa din.
2. i miss lunch time with my officemate
• and he happens to be a housemate as well. last resort ko na sana ito para malaman ang mga kaganapan sa loob ng bahay ng mga aliping saguiguilid(metaphor lamang po, of course our situation is nowhere near the aliping saguiguilid status). and there it goes, my last resort just puffed. i miss the short non-work related break. i miss the going-to-the-combini-together-to-buy-snacks. i miss our happy days and our happy times. if we were only in the same room then it would have been ok. this really sucks. (oi oi oi... pampakilig ra ni na number actually. bwahahahha.)
3. i miss the nonsense chat with online friends
• what else can i say, i have been spending the whole time trying to plan this project out. thinking hurts you know. and trying to explain yourself in another language is triple the headache. i have not experienced anything close to this i think(if you know me you would know that this is an exaggeration. there are so many other things more TROUBLEsome than this).
4. i mss my online drama and online anime
• i haven't seen my korean and japanese stars(both human and drawn) for a long time now.
5. i miss my japanese class and test
• usually, meron akong 1 hour class na nihongo sa umaga. eh paano ngayon yan ni wala nga akong oras para uminom ng tubig. ay oo nga pala, miss ko din ang uminom ng tubig. balik muna tayo sa test. ang hirap naman din kasi nitong mga kanji na ito. kung madali lang eh di sana hindi din ito tatagal ng isang oras din. pero nakakamiss din pala. gusto ko nang maging grade 5(mga kanji na pang grade 4 pa lang kami ngayon).
6. i miss drinking water
• as i'ce said earlier, nakakalimutan ko nang uminom ng tubig. i usually drink 3 bottles of water but i can't hardly finish one right now. my mind is always somewhere else that it can no longer trigger my hand to grab the water bottle for me to drink.
7. nakakamiss din mag blog
• as if palagi din akong nagboblog. pero miss ko talaga siya ngayon. at least dati nakakapagisip ako, "ano kaya ang magandang iblog? hmmm... paano kaya isulat yun? hmmm... eh meron kayang babasa? hmmm... ay h'wag nalang, tinatamad ako." o diba may choice. pero ngayon, "ano nga yang blog?".

but then at the end of the day (night i mean), i am still alive. and as the song says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... stronger...

hay.

i'd rather go to the gym and be stronger than experience this whole thing. but since i am a little masochistic, i guess this is fine. gosh, i am full of contradictions.