ang kinauyukan sa dughan (bente nueve)

naglibog ko kun unsa gyud ang akong ibutang. wala man gyud ko kabalo ba unsa akong isuwat karon. ang ako lang nahunahuna-an na ganahan ko musuwat ug bisaya bisag kausa lang gud. ganahan ko makabati sa kong kaugalingon na magbinisaya sa akong utok samtang gasulat niining mga pulong. sa pagkakaron pa lang nalingaw na ko sa akong gipanghunahuna.


sa wala pa nagpasko, niapil ko sa misa de gallo. nalingaw ko sa unang adlaw pa lang kay murag daghan ug tawo unya nakalingkod pa gyud ko. wala ko nagdahum na anaa pa koy malingkuran ato. ug unya naa koy nakitan na usa ka maanyag na nilalalng. naa siya didto nisimba usab. ambot kun unsay naa niya na mura man ko ug permi magpangita.


sa ikaduha nga adlaw, nangita dayun ko kung naa ba gihapon siya. ug naa sad tuod. matahum siya ug pahiyum. dili gayud nako siya makalimtan.


sa ikatulong adlaw wala na ko kasimba. wala kamata kay daghan na man ug tawo sa amo. mauwaw na mamukaw ang among silingan kay daghan na ang makamata. daghan naman gud ko mga paryente na naggikan sa negros.


sa ikaupat, nisimba na sad ko ug kita na sad mi. makalanay na sad ang iyang pahiyum. kana ganing murag pang miss universe na makita tanang ngipon. pero dili ngilad tanawon, angayan kaayo siya.


sa mga sumusunod na adlaw, wala na ko kasimba pa ug balik. magsige man gani ko ug ngisi kun makahinumdum ko ato. wala pa ko kabalo na pwede gyud diay na mahitabo.


sa pagkakaron, nagsige ra ko ug internet, nagsige ug katulog, naghinumdum sa mga niaging panghitabo. gisulit gyud ug maayo ang panahon na nagbakasyon. lisod na raba ni mabalik. lisod na makakita ug lain pang kahigayunan na makatulog ug taas. lisod na makakita ug kahigayunan sa pagmunimuni sa kaugalingon.

28th... (yesterday's drama...)

a friend received an email inviting her to try their company... it was a very tempting and irresistible offer... i don't know what talks we've made but it came to a point where we were talking about employment experiences--job offers, interviews, and the like. she said that maybe it was really her destiny to be where she is working for if not, she should have been accepted in other companies with bigger pay. i was amazed that we were in fact trying out the same companies. we shared interview experiences and laughed about them. then i got depressed...


i realized that one of my biggest downfall in this computer related profession was my not being a computer related course graduate... its partially my fault. i know that its  kinda weird to hear a math graduate in an IT field. but i want to push my limits. i just find the world of software development challenging and i always seek challenge. it really bothers me that a part of the points used against me in one of my interviews was this fact... no matter how hard i say that i can be easily trained, that i easily learn, the damage is done.


a well... and this is also one of the reasons why i cant easily transfer to other companies. the stigma is there. i know my potentials but others cant see raw talent (char...) with just one look of the eye. i always feel that i need to work harder because of this. i feel that i have to make extra effort because of this. this is really an insecurity that i cant deny. no one judged me in my present work. I'm glad about that. but to transfer and experience the whole process of application again is very stressful... i get to be judged again on what course i have taken... i just wish to have a long experience and maybe thats the time that i can get away with my downfall...


its really depressing to be judged on what you have and not on what you can offer... its definitely their loss and not mine....

bureaucracy (27th...)

just this morning, a fuss happened. action was supposed to happen. the management heads were trying to get to the root by tasking someone to do it. but because of bureacracy, no action was taken... yet... i dont know what is to happen but i do hope its for the betterment of everyone.


when i was new in here just trying to know the people, the system and all, i committed a grave mistake so they say... i have posted this before in here. i was tempted to do a stupid thing and yes i fell in the trap. i was just thankful that it didnt really make that much of an impact on my evaluation. now i can see myself lasting longer in here.


after a month or so from my regularization, i was transferred to a different room filled with oldies (not in their age but in their work experience). i was very anxious to even enter the room at first and when i do enter, i never want to get out. there is an aura in the room--that of seriousness and silence. i dont want to get anybodys attention whenever i pass by. but now that ive been here for a longer time now, that feeling was gone.


ive posted before that i got a memo on playing dota. but what surprised me in this new room was that many oldies are playing the game and yet nobody got a memo for it. i refrained from joining them. i refrained from having a copy of the game on my pc. i said that i will never do it again because of the memo trauma. they only replied that memos apply only to newbies or something like that. i was really turned down by this statement. they played openly even if bosses are still there. at least when i played the game, i made sure that the coast is clear. but they were different. its as if no one can stop them from doing the things they like. now i can say that there really is such a thing as favoritism.


this world is really not fair. i have known this long ago but i never thought that even in a place like this, there is something as seniority. people even turn the blades back at you when you try to complain just like what happened this morning to a friend of mine. when you try to fight the seniors, they tend to help each other out in crushing you down. and whats most disappointing is when you treat them as your friends and they push you in the end.


if only there is no such thing as bureacracy. if only people are judged on their performance alone. if only...