worn out

if life is always as busy as this, is it possible to pause for a while???

i don't want things to stop but i also want to rest and enjoy the slow paced life.

it has been 3 weeks of relentless nights. i have spent most of my day at work. who wouldn't want to take a rest and stop? who wouldn't???

i've been bugged by lots of calls and confrontations telling issues of this and that everyday. who wouldn't want to take a rest???

it is not only you guys who are in this trouble so it is much better if i know at least what you've been doing. if only i could tell them all to contact you guys instead, then it would be so damn fine not to know a thing at all.

what i hate most aside from the fact that i pretty know very little about things happening is that action is soooooo slow. i ask for something at this time and ask for status in the next hour, oh i forgot about that... ask again in another hour, ah yeah i'll do that now... in another hour, what was this about again. next time you call, they get irritated. wtf!!! it is me who gets to go to command room and perform something in the wee hours, it is me who answers emergency calls, it is me who gets to apologize for your slow action affecting other people. and i really hate having less control/grasp over something. i hate the feeling of worthlessness...

they eat back there while i am starving over here. but i've learned. i'll eat when hungry, no buts... take care of your damn issues while i'm out.

the difference in our philosophy greatly shows now. while others want to slowly work their way, taking their time to fix something doing the same uneventful stuff over a long period, i on the other hand want to fix it as soon as possible and take my much deserved rest without any worries. i really don't want to worry the same thing over and over and over.. and i can only stop worrying if i know that everything is running fine.

and somehow i am wondering why all tasks are taken by 2 people only...

maybe i am to blame... for trying to give my all to what i'm doing... for being a martyr.

maybe they should pick another guy to handle their stuff: someone who doesn't give a damn about anything would be great perhaps.

maybe it's time to...

blue

i never expected this post in the first place. i have 2 drafts waiting for final checking but those can wait.

i am an avid fan of dancing with the stars, i won't even deny that. so yesterday, i downloaded the latest episodes and started watching late night. the first one was smooth, enjoyed it so much. now moving on to the next, ooops... i can't play it. media player suggested a codec to install; so there goes the trusting me, naively downloaded and installed the codec.

blue


surprise surprise... though i'm colorblind, i know what this means. rebooted and...

blue


wtf!!!

latest known good configuration and...

blue


safe mode and...

blue


WTF!!! if i have watched porn then these things are somehow a consequence, but i didn't... what pisses me off is the fact that this was a windows suggestion... double WTF!!! i should have just watched porn.

and now i told the world about it and guess what they said...

too much porn can cause laptops to behave erratically

i really should have just watched porn.





ps: i'm still in office so can't do much about it. got couple of ideas though...
ps x2: the commenter above doesn't want to be called "the world". "the world" is surely harsh asking me to throw away my laptop now. wahahaha...

the beach experience 1 (sarushima 2009-Sep-13)

this might be a little too late for beaches, summer has definitely passed. but right before autumn started, we had our beach escapades. funny thing is, we never went to the beach on the onset of summer. it was just that at one point we realized that it was getting colder and colder but we haven't enjoyed the sun yet. so on one fateful weekend, we packed for sarushima which literally translates to monkey island... wahahha.. monkeys are going to monkey island. great!!!

path from the port to the island

so we road the train and got off at some port. and then rode on a boat. this is scary. i never learned to swim so my natural tendency is to search where the floaters are at. who knows what might happen... the view of the island was just splendid. should have taken shots of it while far. i was excited to the brim.

so crowded

reaching the island took 15 minutes. to our surprise, it was crowded. there were lots of people enjoying barbecue on the beach. what i find amusing with how the japanese enjoy the sea is that they are fully clothed. only a few are dressed for the beach, this means few skin to see. wahihihi... most also stay in the shade and never go for a swim. it is like the beach is a place where they go for barbecues and alcohol but not for swimming. and when they get drunk, they throw people to the waters fully clothed. too bad if you were thrown with a wallet and cellphone in your pocket. what a waste...

people thrown to the sea fully clothed

another victim...

i sympathize with the owner...

selected few who were ready for the beach. :D

we acted like kids hungry for the sea. who wouldn't? we lived in an island known for beaches back home, cebu. so we dipped in and went crazy. i never wanted it to end but out there is the horizon, you can still see the city. it was like i was constantly reminded that this is but a short get-away; the busy work life will be back soon. ohhh... sooooooo bad...

a boat suddenly blocked the view. might as well take it.

we were in sarushima or monkey island, but where were the monkeys??? aside from the monkey-looking-and-acting people, i haven't seen real monkeys in there but i saw hawks instead. lots of hawks. this should be called hawk island instead. wait, do hawks eat monkeys? maybe they have eaten all of them. wahihihi...




too bad, all good things have to end. with heavy heart for leaving early, and heavy feet for enjoying too much, we rode the last boat trip back to the mainland. the view of the island is just great. i surely did enjoy my summer break.

this was the last boat since the supposed last boat got overcrowded that a new boat needs to get the others

wow... i hope life stays like this. but my job haunted me after a few hours. T.T

but before my job haunted me we had some pictures taken in the park across the island. somehow, we were not in the mood for posing. i greatly apologize. wahahahha...

on the great flood

it has been flooding back in the philippines lately. i've heard of it but never gave much attention, it has always flooded back home so nothing new with that. but i have never imagined that it could get this worse. i've seen videos of it and it has left me in awe.

imagine an underground passage filled with water... imagine vehicles overturned and tossed around by the rushing waters... imagine people stranded on top of their roofs for hours... it has reached this extent not to mention the hundreds of lives lost. i can't do anything but pray that it will end soon. i can't be any thankful that my family lives away from harm. i can't help but blame our poor drainage system and our people's lack of discipline. if garbage were disposed of properly, then there would be less things clogging up the sewers.

in times like this, i am overwhelmed by the amount of tweeter messages informing of ways to help. it is but amazing to see bayanihan* still existing in this modern age. on a personal note, i am also quite surprised by my colleagues here in japan asking if everything is fine back home. it is a surprise that even people i haven't talked with for a long time (read as usagi-chan) are also concerned. somehow, these draw a smile on my face.

after all of these, i just hope for a better day ahead.

picture taken in sarushima 20090913

*bayanihan refers to a spirit of communal unity or effort to achieve a particular objective. -wikipedia-

letter to anonymous

i have no idea what is wrong with you but please do what you are supposed to do. ok

complain all you want in there. i don' t really care but just do your tasks ok.

you may complain to me that you are having a big headache over something but i haven't seen you working at all for the past days. you have been reading this book the whole day, you've been chatting the whole day. a simple mail won't hurt. bullshit. and you suddenly complain when work comes??? you better go home and rot than affect me.

that task was supposedly mine but i rejected it because of the very many tasks i am having. so there you go, is it my fault if you accepted that task? of course not. did i even recommend you to do it? i didn't. and now that many are asking about it, you suddenly throw your tantrums???? do you expect me to do it for you??? i won't. so don't hold your hopes high. i've got many responsibilities on my name and yes i've been complaining but i'm still doing my job. better learn some sense of responsibility. it sure will help you in the future.

work for christ's sake.

a simple task has been pending for days.

warm regards,

bye

amusement -- yokohama cosmo world

had to tour a new housemate last sunday though it was against my will for i had to speak a different language other than english, japanese, and cebuano the whole time. it is a big headache listening to yourself sounding weird. so we went to an amusement park, best place to go for those with no itinerary. just ride any ride you want...

we rode the 13th highest ferris wheel in the world, Cosmo Clock 21, situated in yokohama. it was my second time riding that and i admit i was quite scared--i have acrophobia and the wheel rises up to 112.5 meters. that is freakin' tall. it would take more seconds before reaching the ground if ever you fall. and more seconds means more time to think of what will happen next, though most will end up dead. wahahha...

up there we saw the whole place, we made plans on where to go next depending on what we saw. we took lots of pictures and we rocked the ferris wheel capsule scaring ourselves.

after the 15 minute ride, i saw something amusing but kept it to myself. if most people go to amusement parks to enjoy the rides, well these two had a different kind of amusement planned. wahahahaha... the girl was massaging her man's groin. what the hell were they doing??? there are many kids in places like this ok. there are virgins like me.. oh.. my innocent eyes were glued to their actions.

the pervy me.

they should have done more. wahahha. ooops... innocent brain, be innocent again. wahahaha

mt. fuji -- the great escapade 2/2

we were branded as team kalaban (the opponents), the four-membered team. don't get me wrong though, it got us pumped up even more. we got a team name, and we got a team cheer. we went there with AWS pips so our cheer was.

if AWS fails, we won't!!!

pretty solid don't you think? but it was all for fun. later on, "boom boom pow" of the black eyed peas became the team song. wahihihihi...

from the 5th station of the kawaguchiko trail, we started climbing at 2pm. reaching the 6thstation was just easy. the path was short and we were still full of energy, but i was sweating like hell. i wasn't expecting the sun to be that harsh on us. other than that, everything was fine. if the trek is as easy as this, then we will be up there earlier than planned.

(this pic above is from esther)

but the path to the 7th station was a big change. i was a complete mess. the road was inclined which zigzags left and right endlessly. after an hour of walking, i wondered where the 7th station was. finally, we reached the 7th and i got my much needed rest. what have i got myself into??? we climbed some more and to my surprise, the next stop was yet another 7th station. what???? there were like 6 seventh stations total. we still managed to meet our mates in here and have some chat before our team headed on. the whole 7th station leg was a roller coaster. it started with the endless zigzags. then there were also steep trails where you have to step on rocks and use your hands to hold on to more rocks. i very much enjoyed paths like those. what i hated the most were the long and high staircases; so tiring. my legs said "stop" a couple of times. at the end of this leg, team kalaban was leading the pack.

(this pic above is from esther)

moving on, night slowly fell. it was not only dark but it was very cold. we had to put on our flashlights and more warmers. by 9pm we reached the second to the last 8th station: yes, there were also many stops like the 7th. we have decided to sleep outside the lodges. we have eaten cup noodles in the previous stop so hunger is not a problem. it was cold. very cold.... and we had no bed: we laid on the benches. but i managed to sleep for a couple of hours until the lodge owner woke us up. he said that we cannot lay down in there. as sleepiness overcame reason, we had to find a place to sleep fast. we bought hot cocoa and we were allowed to enter. it was heaven inside; there was no strong cold wind trying to enter every pore on your skin. but the hot cocoa didn't last that long... that means we have to face the strong cold wind trying to enter every pore on your skin once more. we were completely caught by the lodge owner's bait--we paid 1000 for an hour stay inside heaven.

at 12:30, it was time to face the strong cold wind trying to enter every pore on your skin. the last 8th station was just a few meters up. in there we decided to wait for the others. this means more sleeping time. we called them up and they said they were still somewhere and had 30 minutes sleep only. poor them... wahihihi. joke. strong cold wind trying to enter every pore on your skin finally had an effect--we passed air the whole time. wahihihi

at around 1:30am, they reached us. we started climbing yet again. but it was so much fun now, it was like a fiesta. there were so many people and so many headlights. watching the lights against the dark night showed us how far we still need to climb. how ironic... but where do these sudden flood of people come from???? i have no idea..

the sun was about to rise but no matter how fast we tried to climb we were blocked by the huge number of people ahead of us. we sat down instead while watching the rising sun. i truly can say that it was the best! i wasn't expecting to see another sunrise after joining this trip. for a colorblind person like me, i was able to appreciate the reds and oranges. breathtaking!

looking around, the huge number of people ahead of us were all sitting down as well. if we have wanted to reach the top fast, we should have ran at this point. right after that magnificent display of the rising sun, people appeared again. where have all these people come from????

the moment i reached the top, i paused for awhile and thanked God. i did it!!! it was a very good experience! thanks to all the people who didn't believe that we can do it, they only gave us more determination to climb up and succeed.

looking down from above, what a wonderful world...

MT FUJI... VENI, VIDI, VICI

(this pic above is from esther)

ps. looking down the long, steep, descending trail from above... i told myself, i will never do this again.

i'll keep the descent to myself.

mt. fuji -- the great escapade 1/2

it was but a plan, and i got excited by it. but as the time drew closer, the excitement became fear... there were just so many bad news... but after everything, it was an achievement for sure...

so many problems on the week before the plan. it's as if fate was telling us not to go. could you believe that i rendered around 20 hours of over time on that week???? our boss was also apprehensive on it. we have mentioned about the plan way earlier but he was fine. of course, many things are still bound to happen. and knowing us, we cancel almost all the trips we have planned. it dawned on him that the plan will push through only when we started borrowing stuff. i am not quite sure though on which he was more concerned on: was he seriously concerned on our well-being or was he thinking only of the fact that no one will be bringing in the money if something bad happens... i just hope it is the first... but with the words that transpired, one can easily judge it is the latter. it also seems that he doesn't believe in us. this only fueled more my determination to succeed.

just right before the dreaded day, there were outstanding number of calls. trouble came after trouble but nothing can stop us. i have jogged for months as training and i don't want to put that to waste. but something inside me was scared, what if fate was really trying to stop us??? at that night, we enjoyed our lives. we watched a movie (GI Joe) and dined out. we even drank wine. it seemed like the "last" supper. but i know it won't be... we went home unsure of the future but with burning competitive spirits... (ows....)

morning was great. with only 5 hours of sleep, off we went to the bus stop to meet the others. oh, i'm still too sleepy: we had a dress rehearsal last night before sleeping at 2am. the bus was incredibly fun, but i just has to sleep. i woke up and it was foggy. and so cold.. at 12noon.

then it went clear...

and foggy once more...

so off we went at 2pm. no turning back.

THE GREAT TREK UP MT. FUJI IS STARTING AT THE FIFTH STATION....

...2,305 METERS ABOVE SEA LEVEL. August 15th, 2009...

the sin

had some time alone last saturday. all of my housemates went somewhere. they are all busy with their lives which is like the opposite of mine. the house is so empty... and so silent... and so empty... and so silent... this is driving me crazy.

i browsed for my daily dose of asian stuff. i even watched live feeds for some show airing somewhere. good way to kill time.. great music. hmmm. good music for working out. out of the blue, i did some floor exercises to flatten this bulging tummy. that was fun and hard. great way to sweat it out. ohhh, the show ended and the house felt empty... and silent...

out of the blue, i played "hiphop abs". and after two 40-minute sessions, waaaah.. these routines are killing me. its fun grooving it out, but you feel the burn all over. why are my arms in pain when the program is called "hiphop abs"???? owwww.. this is too much. but i would love to do this again some other time. i just need to eat dinner though.

so out i went, ate dinner and strolled. as i wondered, i wandered... i thought of stuff i normally don't think of. and then i'm far away from home. i guess thinking is bad for me. the more i think, the more i get lost (pun intended). i think too much thinking is bad but yet, i was thinking even with that statement.

my housemates have gone out too long now so i called up only to find out that they went clubbing. owkey... i didn't even know about that. at least they should have invited me. but then i still would have declined. but still, there is a big difference right?

yesterday, sunday we all went to kawasaki to buy things for our fuji mountain climbing expedition. i bought a thicker winter jacket just because it was in the news that someone died from freezing in fuji. i just don't wanna die yet so i'd rather be prepared. much to my surprise, i think i would not die from climbing a mountain but rather from over eating. we had a buffet for lunch and another one for dinner. it is very hard to even laugh nor bend down to get things from the floor.

then there was a long earthquake. maybe it is a sign from above that i've eaten much and should leave right away. but no.... the earthquake didn't stop us from eating more. oh my. all the calories i burned the day before were replenished in 8 folds. oh my...

gluttony kills...

outsider

i am not that active in whatever talk is happening at home. i know that i am somehow at fault in that. i failed to have have conversations lately. who would want to engage in talks about boasting and stuff? i can't do that. i don't have anything to boast. so i'd rather stay out.

there are times where i feel so alone even when i am at home in the midst of my housemates. i know that everyone has secrets, i too have lots. but when all knows about it except me, i can't help but wonder why. don't they trust me?

last night, they went out. they invited my roommate to go with them. but they never mentioned anything to me. they never asked me if i'd like to come with them. they only hid behind the door and whispered to the other. they even forced him to come with them. but never said anything to me. somehow i was affected by that. but i didn't mind it much.

today after coming back from the cinema, they were frolicking on the way back. people who don't know them would surely think they are lovers. it is just too much; looks more like flirting. there is nothing wrong though because both are singles but please please tell me if you have something. i certainly don't like to look odd, i don't like to interfere and even witness your flirtatious acts. and now, they are all outside talking of something they don't want me to know. they even closed the door of my room. it seems like i'm an outsider trapped inside the room inside the house. an outsider that no one even bothers.

it looks like they would only care if they need something from me.

push me back to my shell some more.

i guess i'm just getting too emotional over something irrelevant.

i better sleep now, i don't want to hear the lame jokes outside.

hope i'll get better tomorrow...

i'm not even sure if i'm making sense.

confused, pondered, relaxed

lately, i got the tightest schedule ever. i have worked for like 16 hours a day. is this even right??? where is my human rights for god's sake???? and when weekend came, i would have been satisfied with staying at home lazing around. but no. my housemates got plans and i was dragged again. it was fun though. i was never the planning type but rather the driftwood one--just goes with the flow wherever it may take me. 

so off we went to the beach last saturday. i had so much fun. a friend told me that you have to enjoy both the bodies and the sea when in the beach. unfortunately, i didn't. i was but a child enjoying the sea and the waves and the sun. what bodies was he talking about??? i did enjoy the big body of water in front of me though.

and just when i thought the other plan won't push through, we were immediately on the train heading there. after tiring our muscles, we will destroy our vocal chords. an all-nighter singing is up next. we entered the karaoke room at 11pm saturday. then there was singing... and then there was some dancing and singing... and then drinking and singing... and then suicidal-heartbreak-song singing... and then screaming... then jargon-unknown-unheard of-gibberish-words singing... and then the raspy, husky, no-more-voice singing. we went out at 5am, sunday. i haven't slept at all and i couldn't believe i sang for 6 hours: i sang the whole time with or without the mic. i had the weekend of my life. i never got to rest but all the tension was released. it is all but a positive feeling.

right after all the hysteria, i got to think. of all the good topics i could have chosen, i thought about love and relationships. wow. was this inspired by "just once" of james ingram i sang hours ago? or was it "total eclipse of the heart"? or perhaps "alone" by heart?

i got to think deep and hard, am i satisfied being single? i want to be loved. i want to be longed for. i want to be needed. i want to be taken care of. and i want to likewise do the same to the other. i want to wake up in the arms of another. i want to share my little happenings in life and share the simple joys life can bring. but in as much as i would have loved to gain those things, i am likewise afraid to handle the pain. it is not always bliss in a relationship. there are hardships, as proven by the hundreds of blogs i am following.

ideally, that is what i wanted. all in a dream though. in reality, i am not doing anything at all. what a sloth. i still haven't found the need to be in a relationship. i am too lazy to even think of getting one. i am just waiting to stumble on it. as a blogger had put it, "i want to be a hunter where the prey wants to be eaten", or something like that. what a pity. i am just waiting.. oh i'm sorry, i'm not even waiting because i am not at all anticipating. i am but a speck in the universe where with or without love will still survive. having a relationship would have been better but it is not essential to me now. what a waste... why am i writing this whole block when there was really nothing to write in the first place???

after a day of excitement and pondering, i am now in a day of total confusion. why can't you just say it straight that you want me out of your damn life??? damn it. you told me stuff but then you are doing the total opposite. come on. it is hurting me. it is keeping me from growing this year. it would really be better to say it out loud than keep it inside. stop ignoring me please.

a friend shared earlier that she has been constantly ignoring a person. she is constantly irritated by the person's words so she never replied back... somehow, this made me think about you and i. we rode on the same elevator today but you only gave me your straight face. my all smiley g00d-morning-to-you greeting fell down to basement 1, smashed and stepped on. poor me. i have greeted you enough for this month without even getting your response... i'm tired.. why am i still hurt when i already knew this for months now???

ohh ohhh ohhh

a whirlwind of things...

at least this proves that i'm still alive.

the poopie list

went home really late today... damn work. i had to ride the second to the last train. are they trying to kill me by making me work for 16 hours a day???

in one moment out of those 16 hours, i happened to search my old mails and found this one. it sure brought lots of memories. i really wanted to throw poopie bombs to my masters right now -- i don't care which type it is.

enjoy the...

POOPIE LIST

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

TURTLE POOPIE: The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

GAS-SY POOPIE: The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: (Self explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOPIE: The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

INDIAN POOPIE: The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

so which type did you have recently???

makalolooy = miserable

naa jud pathetic na mga tawo sa world sa?

"look at my pictures. am i not gorgeous? look at the hundreds of photos of me, don't they all look lovely (all having the same plastic smile)? just leave your comments on my pictures and i will surely reply to them right away. i love attention"

- self-centered, praise-digging bitch

"wow! isn't this scene lovely? i'll take your photo. (snaps one right away showing no interest at all). now take mine. (shoots). oh.. can you take my pic again, i look fat in that one?"

- scheming, repay-your-debt user

"oh i am sad. we are having fun but i'm sad. i want to show them all that i'm sad. aren't you sad as well? yeah, please comfort me. be sad with me."

- let's-paint-the-world-black drama queen

"listen to what i gotta say. (chit chat chit chat). i'm done. (puts on ear-plug) i've got no time to listen to you. (sings along badly)"

- jumbo-mega-phone-with-ear-plugs-on

"can you please do this for me? please please... i need your help. i really do. it is just simple. wow thanks. (and it took all your time doing but when you ask a favor back) can you talk to me later, i really don't have the time. (goes back to online chatting)"

- sweet talker, napoleon like leech

i have met all of them. i can't believe how i fell to each of their traps. i should have known better.

now to which do i belong?

"oh, i can't get over it. why oh why??? (the next day) why oh why??? i can't get over it, oh. (day after next) why??? oh, i can't get over it. why??? (etc...) ..."

- auto-self-replaying destroyed disc

now why am i posting this?

to gain your pity of course. how pitiful of me...

pathetic people do exist in the world, right?

close open close

no matter how hard i try to stay awake, i just can't..

my eyes have a mind of their own and they want to close... they won't listen to my brain anymore. it is a very big effort to keep them open even for a minute.

well, who can blame them when they've been awake since 6 am.

help is badly badly badly needed badly badly.....


manager-san is getting irritated of me asking lots of questions. hello manager-san, i am paid to do this. wahihihi

lying around

if going to hell depends on the number of lies you have uttered, surely i would be on a first class ride.

it can't be helped. if i want the work to be done fast, i need to mislead things. but mind you, i didn't lie; i only hid parts of the truth, i diverted attention to other things instead. oops, isn't that lying???

if only everything was planned right... if only the odds for error were calculated... there wouldn't be a need to lie. if only i were more proactive... but how can i when my powers are limited. remember that i am but a slave.

poor slave...

can the slave just lie in bed with someone instead of telling lies????

poor slave...