confused, pondered, relaxed

lately, i got the tightest schedule ever. i have worked for like 16 hours a day. is this even right??? where is my human rights for god's sake???? and when weekend came, i would have been satisfied with staying at home lazing around. but no. my housemates got plans and i was dragged again. it was fun though. i was never the planning type but rather the driftwood one--just goes with the flow wherever it may take me. 

so off we went to the beach last saturday. i had so much fun. a friend told me that you have to enjoy both the bodies and the sea when in the beach. unfortunately, i didn't. i was but a child enjoying the sea and the waves and the sun. what bodies was he talking about??? i did enjoy the big body of water in front of me though.

and just when i thought the other plan won't push through, we were immediately on the train heading there. after tiring our muscles, we will destroy our vocal chords. an all-nighter singing is up next. we entered the karaoke room at 11pm saturday. then there was singing... and then there was some dancing and singing... and then drinking and singing... and then suicidal-heartbreak-song singing... and then screaming... then jargon-unknown-unheard of-gibberish-words singing... and then the raspy, husky, no-more-voice singing. we went out at 5am, sunday. i haven't slept at all and i couldn't believe i sang for 6 hours: i sang the whole time with or without the mic. i had the weekend of my life. i never got to rest but all the tension was released. it is all but a positive feeling.

right after all the hysteria, i got to think. of all the good topics i could have chosen, i thought about love and relationships. wow. was this inspired by "just once" of james ingram i sang hours ago? or was it "total eclipse of the heart"? or perhaps "alone" by heart?

i got to think deep and hard, am i satisfied being single? i want to be loved. i want to be longed for. i want to be needed. i want to be taken care of. and i want to likewise do the same to the other. i want to wake up in the arms of another. i want to share my little happenings in life and share the simple joys life can bring. but in as much as i would have loved to gain those things, i am likewise afraid to handle the pain. it is not always bliss in a relationship. there are hardships, as proven by the hundreds of blogs i am following.

ideally, that is what i wanted. all in a dream though. in reality, i am not doing anything at all. what a sloth. i still haven't found the need to be in a relationship. i am too lazy to even think of getting one. i am just waiting to stumble on it. as a blogger had put it, "i want to be a hunter where the prey wants to be eaten", or something like that. what a pity. i am just waiting.. oh i'm sorry, i'm not even waiting because i am not at all anticipating. i am but a speck in the universe where with or without love will still survive. having a relationship would have been better but it is not essential to me now. what a waste... why am i writing this whole block when there was really nothing to write in the first place???

after a day of excitement and pondering, i am now in a day of total confusion. why can't you just say it straight that you want me out of your damn life??? damn it. you told me stuff but then you are doing the total opposite. come on. it is hurting me. it is keeping me from growing this year. it would really be better to say it out loud than keep it inside. stop ignoring me please.

a friend shared earlier that she has been constantly ignoring a person. she is constantly irritated by the person's words so she never replied back... somehow, this made me think about you and i. we rode on the same elevator today but you only gave me your straight face. my all smiley g00d-morning-to-you greeting fell down to basement 1, smashed and stepped on. poor me. i have greeted you enough for this month without even getting your response... i'm tired.. why am i still hurt when i already knew this for months now???

ohh ohhh ohhh

a whirlwind of things...

at least this proves that i'm still alive.