temporary friend...

this blog entry is hurting me more. as i write down every word thinking that everything will be alright, more words of nostalgia surface. how can i let it all out when if i try to do so, more and more keeps on coming? i need to let it out so i can try to move on. this has been a heavy burden and i think i can't grow any further with it.

life was peaceful back then until a new acquaintance came. here i was having a heart of stone, felt nothing. it was good knowing a new person but i never thought anything more about that. then we got closer -- became office seatmates. as he revealed more of him, my stony heart cracked. i too shared my life. little by little, more of me was exposed. by this time, he was no more an acquaintance but a good friend. it was good having a seatmate you can share words with-- not that i haven't had one before, but this was different. he was japanese so we shared cultural differences and stuff: i have always been a fan of culture.

like normal friends, we too have had disappointments. it lasted for around 2 weeks. i really never knew the reason for that but one tuesday morning came and he became so silent, never spoke a word to me. and what made it worse??? it was my birthday the previous day. i came to the office all happy and smiley but there he was ignoring me. what the??? he sounded so normal to others but never to me. looking back, i felt so down and low with the way i asked him to tell me what was wrong. i managed to purge little stuff though, he was disappointed. on the friday of the second week, by accident we walked home together. it was a chance for us to speak, i thought. he treated me to dinner and walked me home. gosh!!! you can't come in the house ok, it is like a jungle in there... but after all the commotion and all the disgrace, i can't do anything but sit there at home and blush. we drank alcohol together with all the other housemates. he slept over (keep your scandalous minds on check!) and went home the next day with a headache. everything became history after. we became much closer than before...

i went back to my hometown last december. i told him my goodbyes and all. he gave me a couple more yen to buy 'sake' for the people back home... how thoughtful of him. we said our goodbyes, i'm sure he was sad. on top of that, i have no internet connection back home for three weeks so no chat either.

everything was fine at first when i came back to japan, i even brought him good stuff. but we were no longer seatmates though. i thought that it would still be fine as long as we are still friends. at first,i missed the short nonsense talks we had. then, the chats on skype or ym. then, there were no more usual greetings of hi's and how are you's. everything was back to zero. it's as if we were back to being mere acquaintance. it hurt me when i felt the gap. i can't help but feel used. then i remembered the term my japanese sensei once told me, "temporary friend" -- a friend for that moment only. this is the harsh reality of it. was i one to him????

i still held on to that bond we had once, gave effort on coming over to his area just to greet. but i just can't feel the same warm exchange like before. i just can't feel any enthusiasm. i don't think i can handle this any further. maybe i really was a temporary friend to him -- forced to become friends since we were seatmates. i guess absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. or i guess the culture difference was way too big... today is my last day of trying to save this. yeah we chatted today but then again, it died a natural death. so i guess this is goodbye. i can't handle this drama long enough so i'm letting it out. i guess i'm losing another close friend today. this would be the third time i felt so down of loosing one. how did i strengthen myself back then??? ahhh... when i was like 8, i focused on my studies... at 17, i diverted my full attention on my mathematics degree... unfortunately, i don't want to focus on my work -- it is even more depressing... so i still have to think of this part.

i'm not closing doors by the way. i still hope this is just a phase and will pass after some time. there is still that tiny bit of light that says maybe he is just too busy. but i'm stopping from reaching out. it's just that i'm too tired of coming out of my shell. i need to come back and restore energy. this is how much i value friendship... what a sore loser... waaaah... emo mode once more... but i'm stopping here. promise! yeah, i am a bitter loser so let me be bitter for once. with this blog, i am closing my emotions and starting anew. here i come to a new chapter.

adios!!!

two questions...

out of the blue, the members of the gotanda tribe started to talk. of all the possible topics out there, this was all about love. good for them since they have had a relationship; they have solid basis for their points. all i have are my ideals. waahhh... too bad... of all the questions tackled, two got stuck in my head (one was a follow up of the other)... cliche they may seem, but i have never pondered long and hard yet.

would you choose the one you love or the one who loves you?

the best answer i have heard was from mr. yoshinoya (real identity disclosed). he said and i quote

i'll choose the one i love because love is something you give without expecting something in return

how about a round of applause in there... let us now crown our new miss universe... ohhh. sorry... wahihihih. well said from a pretty experienced guy.

we are actually thinking of the same thing--not on the beauty-pageant-reasoning but on choosing the one you love. my reasons are pretty childish compared to his though. when you choose the one you love then you are on the active part; you give much thought and importance to it. you are willing to compromise and make sacrifices since you love the person. you are more open-minded to changes since it is your hearts desire to make that person fall for you as well. and besides if i choose otherwise, it is much prone for regrets. childish as they may seem, but those were my thoughts.

then came the follow up question.

since you chose the one you love, until how long are you willing to wait until he loves you back?

oh no.... this is a much harder question. i should have chosen the other one. damn! wahihihi. this i really thought hard and haven't figured out up to this point. no one gave strong responses to this. it's like everyone is unsure. now it made me think deeper.

if the person i love doesn't respond back, what would i do? what am i supposed to do if all my advances doesn't have any effect? oh no. eventually, i will tire out if i see no advancements. but how about my heart? will i just wait for it to die and fall out of love? waaaah... this topic is just too much... we came up with no conclusion at all.

in reality, i am a loyal person--too loyal to be exact. the bad thing is, jealousy has always been a friend of mine at the same time with loyalty. now, remaining loyal while jealous can do serious damage. i hold on to a certain bond while being hurt deep inside--self struggle all the time. now how do you expect me to react when i am like that??? think..... however, there are things hard to ignore. now, i am having a hard time dealing with a friend. i still hold on to that bond we have made before, thinking of the many possibilities of this change. but seeing him ignoring my little efforts to bring back that spark is breaking me apart. still i continue to hope and he continues to shatter me. look at the irony of that. am i a masochist by any chance????

let's end all of this before i spill more stuff.

ps: what is even more interesting was the fact that there was no alcohol involved during these talks.

alcohol

two weeks ago, my roommates and i were invited to a birthday bash. it was a good thing being around lots of people who speak the same language as you do. but you just need to be cautious of what you say since everybody understands. living in a foreign country, we have already developed a mindset -- speak whatever you want in your own language, they won't be able to understand it anyway... it is even funny that we speak Cebuano (a language spoken in Cebu, Philippines) packed together with some sign language and the Japanese still understands them. actions surely do speak louder than words, this i have come to acknowledge.

the celebrant was actually from a competitor company so you may wonder how we got along. of course we were students before we became young professionals, and friends part ways during employment. you get the picture right??? back home, a scenario like this may be awkward. but here in Japan, you will be happy just being with your countrymen. and as i've said everybody understands what you are saying so be wary. you can't just drop any side comments and get away with it. so here i am trying to fit in to a jigsaw puzzle: fit in nicely, that is. creating bonds that i hope would last and would not tarnish.

the food was great. though every food tastes great to a non-cooker, these can be compared to a chef's. i have never imagined that you can do this much and this tasty in a country where all the ingredients are spelled in a different way. i really had my time in the dining area. this was heaven compared to my slave-like life -- eating my heart out with food you didn't work hard for. a feast like this would have cost me a week's allowance but here it was offered right in front of me. yum yum... tasty! and here comes the cake (how could a birthday have none)... wow!!! ice cream cake on a winter's night. sumptuous!!!

after dinner, we were on our own camps (competitor companies remember!). though we were from the same island in the Philippines, our culture was definitely different. no need to expound on this but yeah our mean selves surfaced: we were thinking of mean things towards the other camp. my mates talked mean and i agreed (evil me!)... wahihihihi.

then there goes the main dish, whiskey and vodka... woaaah... shots came after shots and the camps fused playing charades... shots came after shots and people were now leaning on each other--it is just hard to stand on two feet... leaning-tower-of-pisa-people sprouted one after another. restrooms and sinks slowly crowded. no wonder most 'miracles' happen when drunk; people's words slipped after another. pent up emotions, disappointments, words intended for close buddies overflowed... inhibitions lost... too much drama is in the air as the room turned into a hot dance floor. shots after shots and people fell. only the strong were left... shots after shots and i'm still taking them... what??? you mean, am i this strong of a drunkard?? ows... the first time i drank was here in Japan and that was like a year ago... am i that strong now???? what an excellent student i was. ows... i should stop this act soon...

as people vanished, the few strong once remained. no more drinking though but clean up time is here... here i am surprised by my intoxicated acts, ordered everyone around... go sleep now, go and find that lost girl, go and calm her down, stop disturbing her, get out of here and find somewhere else to sleep, so concerned of everyone. waaaaah... so fatherly... why was i not like this when drunk at home? i only laughed to my heart's extent when at home, but here i am surprised as my roommates were, showed a different side. i never knew that i can be like this. but as surprised as i am with myself, same was it with them...

morning came and yeah we talked it out. we laughed at each others behavior. but still i was in awe with everything.

no wonder...

first blood...

blogging has slowly become part of my system. there are just some things that are easier to write than say. blogging has allowed me to express things on a personal level, though most are vague but still they are written. i have written blog entries in both friendster and multiply and i really did enjoy it. without me realizing it, blogging became part of the options to do when doing nothing. friendster is for networking and multiply is for my pictures, i guess its time for me to expand my notes to a site intended for blogging...

welcome to my blogsite.

read me in every posts and see the things that i see...

be as confused as i am now...