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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

temporary friend...

this blog entry is hurting me more. as i write down every word thinking that everything will be alright, more words of nostalgia surface. how can i let it all out when if i try to do so, more and more keeps on coming? i need to let it out so i can try to move on. this has been a heavy burden and i think i can't grow any further with it.

life was peaceful back then until a new acquaintance came. here i was having a heart of stone, felt nothing. it was good knowing a new person but i never thought anything more about that. then we got closer -- became office seatmates. as he revealed more of him, my stony heart cracked. i too shared my life. little by little, more of me was exposed. by this time, he was no more an acquaintance but a good friend. it was good having a seatmate you can share words with-- not that i haven't had one before, but this was different. he was japanese so we shared cultural differences and stuff: i have always been a fan of culture.

like normal friends, we too have had disappointments. it lasted for around 2 weeks. i really never knew the reason for that but one tuesday morning came and he became so silent, never spoke a word to me. and what made it worse??? it was my birthday the previous day. i came to the office all happy and smiley but there he was ignoring me. what the??? he sounded so normal to others but never to me. looking back, i felt so down and low with the way i asked him to tell me what was wrong. i managed to purge little stuff though, he was disappointed. on the friday of the second week, by accident we walked home together. it was a chance for us to speak, i thought. he treated me to dinner and walked me home. gosh!!! you can't come in the house ok, it is like a jungle in there... but after all the commotion and all the disgrace, i can't do anything but sit there at home and blush. we drank alcohol together with all the other housemates. he slept over (keep your scandalous minds on check!) and went home the next day with a headache. everything became history after. we became much closer than before...

i went back to my hometown last december. i told him my goodbyes and all. he gave me a couple more yen to buy 'sake' for the people back home... how thoughtful of him. we said our goodbyes, i'm sure he was sad. on top of that, i have no internet connection back home for three weeks so no chat either.

everything was fine at first when i came back to japan, i even brought him good stuff. but we were no longer seatmates though. i thought that it would still be fine as long as we are still friends. at first,i missed the short nonsense talks we had. then, the chats on skype or ym. then, there were no more usual greetings of hi's and how are you's. everything was back to zero. it's as if we were back to being mere acquaintance. it hurt me when i felt the gap. i can't help but feel used. then i remembered the term my japanese sensei once told me, "temporary friend" -- a friend for that moment only. this is the harsh reality of it. was i one to him????

i still held on to that bond we had once, gave effort on coming over to his area just to greet. but i just can't feel the same warm exchange like before. i just can't feel any enthusiasm. i don't think i can handle this any further. maybe i really was a temporary friend to him -- forced to become friends since we were seatmates. i guess absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. or i guess the culture difference was way too big... today is my last day of trying to save this. yeah we chatted today but then again, it died a natural death. so i guess this is goodbye. i can't handle this drama long enough so i'm letting it out. i guess i'm losing another close friend today. this would be the third time i felt so down of loosing one. how did i strengthen myself back then??? ahhh... when i was like 8, i focused on my studies... at 17, i diverted my full attention on my mathematics degree... unfortunately, i don't want to focus on my work -- it is even more depressing... so i still have to think of this part.

i'm not closing doors by the way. i still hope this is just a phase and will pass after some time. there is still that tiny bit of light that says maybe he is just too busy. but i'm stopping from reaching out. it's just that i'm too tired of coming out of my shell. i need to come back and restore energy. this is how much i value friendship... what a sore loser... waaaah... emo mode once more... but i'm stopping here. promise! yeah, i am a bitter loser so let me be bitter for once. with this blog, i am closing my emotions and starting anew. here i come to a new chapter.

adios!!!

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