questions and more questions

now i get it, it must have been a reconciliation.


so what am i supposed to do?

apparently, nothing.



what am i supposed to feel???

a bit disappointed and betrayed but should i feel this?



how am i supposed to react???

poker face...



what am i supposed to do from now on?

just don't let anyone in. words are poison. no comment from hereon.



should i be happy?

yes you should. ignore those stuff and find your own happiness. buy your own condominium and move out.





i guess i'm done. so bye for now. irritants...

hey, why should i be irritated?

i guess i sympathized too much but it seems it was not worth it.




oh well, you're all grown-ups. leave me out.

the border experience

had the opportunity to travel to singapore for a few days. luckily, going to malaysia land bound is easier.  so there we went, boarded on a night bus to kuala lumpur from singapore.

after 30 minutes, we arrived at the singapore immigration. the bus driver was never accommodating from the start and this was no exception, he just told us to go down the bus to what seemed like an official building. yes, this was the immigration.

there i stood in front of the officer as she was checking my passport. "where is the white card?", she asked. "in the bus", i replied. "go get it, i'll keep your passport with me", she said. then and there i went out thinking of how much of a failure i was. i should have kept that white thing in the passport. damn... too late.

unsure of what to do, i ran for the bus. but the bus was not there. i asked the other bus driver, he pointed at the other direction. quite unsure of what he meant, i asked again telling him of the bus number this time. he grunted, "wait at the other side". damn. these drivers should learn to be friendly. why can't they do it to a foreigner like me??? who would want to take your bus twice and experience the same thing twice? arrogant bitches.

so there i waited and got my things right away when the bus came. the exit where i came from had red no-entry signs. i decided to run back to the entrance, i don't want to be left behind in this forsaken place. i had to run, i thought. to my surprise, going back to the entrance is a big no no--there were lots of barricades. so i asked the police officers nearby of how to get back in. "go back in from where you came out from". gosh! so i ran back to the exit and made my entrance. this is just so weird, i was a complete failure. i had a total body exercise at 11pm.

went back to the lady officer. she checked my passport again. scanned the white paper... stamped on my passport... and gave it to me. damn. i stood there the whole time while catching my breath. went out of the exit once again and slowly came back to the bus. i slowly walked, the bus driver was standing--he must have been furious again. damn you all. they should have stapled that damn white card to the passport. the bus driver should have told us of what things to bring.

lesson learned: be ready for an exercise anytime of the day.

confessions of innocence

"would you still leave me? even though a few years from now, what happened to us would also happen to you and her? would you still choose to leave me for her?"

"even if they know they will eventually die, people continue on living."

"i hate you...uhu. uhu."

love must be worth it all. for if not, why would people still choose to love...

libog

maboang ko sa palailahi na topic nimo ai. talks of one thing and without even trying to finish it, does other stuff. and i thought ang lahi na gibuhat kay related ra or nangutana ba ron sa uban but no, totally lahi ra gyud.

naputol ang first task and then nakigchat. murag mubalik na sad ni ug handle sa first task later. aw naghimo diay ug 3rd task. unsa man gyud??? ha???? naglibog na ko.

hinuon i've got tasks of my own man sad. hala nibalik na sad sa 1st task ay. wahahahha.

makaboang. wahihihihi

conversation between men

me: hala moadto na diay ko singapore next Saturday. (oh! i'm leaving for singapore next saturday.)
dad: kinsa man imong kuyog? (who will you be with?)
me: kato gihapong kuyog nako sa japan. (same folks with me in japan.)
dad: katong kuyog sad nimo sa boracay? katong babaye? magkasinabtanay ra lagi mo. (same people you were also with in boracay? the girl? you agree much with each other.)
me: o. (yes)
dad: kato na lang kaha pangasaw-i. maayo na para angayan inyong liwat. (why not marry her? your children would look good.)

then i left. i can't say any further when my dad talks to me about stuff like this. i just don't know how to react.




had a similar talk with my uncle over the phone a few months back.

...
uncle: unya naa na kay uyab? (so, do you have a gf now?)
me: wala pa. (not yet.)
uncle: kato diayng kuyog nimo sa facebook? e****r ba to ang pangalan? boto ra ko ato niya dong. kato na lang. pareson ra mo ato ug kuyog bitaw mo permi. (how about that girl in your facebook? was she e****r? i'm fine with her for you. you look good together and it seems you get along well.)
me: aw naa na toy uyab tiyo oi. (but she already has a bf, uncle.)
uncle: aw uyab pa bitaw na. (ah, bf can be changed.)

it's like they are all telling me to settle right away. how can i do that when my heart has never beaten for someone yet??? i can't force myself to like someone, that's insane. yeah, probably they were thinking of my welfare when i get older. who wants to get old alone? i don't. but i don't want to spend eternity with someone forced.

if only i could just make babies by myself the i would be alone in the future. plants and some animals are way better, they can mate themselves and produce offspring themselves. gosh. divine intervention, where are you???

but do i really need someone to be happy at this moment? i guess not. but should i marry just to be secured that i wont be alone during my golden days? i don't think so.

just make things clear, e****r and i are just friends. we agreed to marry each other when we get 30. wahahaha. am i secured now? not really. how pathetic of me... wahihihi.


lesson of the story, you can't force yourself to love. just leave the coercing to others.

conversation between the body and the heart

one day, the body asked the heart. "when i'm hurt i go to the doctor, but if you're hurt then who will heal you?" then the heart said, "i have to heal by myself".

--from a korean drama--

maybe it's because of this that people have different ways to cure the pain. some people do excessive shopping, others travel more with friends. others eat extravagantly, and others start a new hobby. and sadly, others choose to ignore the pain and deceive themselves. whatever it is that heals the heart or alleviates the pain must be done.

others even choose to find a new heart to patch up the broken pieces. some succeeds but others end up with two broken hearts. there is no right or wrong when it comes to it: the heart has to heal itself.

i am not the right person to ask of these stuff; my heart was never badly beaten before. so i too am wondering what i would do if my heart is in pain. i pity those hearts but i pity mine the most; it has never experienced heavenly highs and unfathomable lows. everything is in limbo.

if this heart is pained i guess i'd babble away--try to talk away the pain. i guess i'd smile more to keep me sane. i guess i'd walk all day to hurt my feet more. i probably won't find another heart, i might just crush it down if i would. but then who knows?

how would i know???

i will only keep on guessing...

but for those with hearts hurt, just remember that only change is permanent. pain too will have to leave. hope more pain won't follow right away.

i seriously wish you all to be happy and find that special someone.

be happy and minimize my competition for that someone.