16th...

now that im on my 16th i would like to write something more deeper... lets write something on a more serious note.


i have so many questions that i would like to ask. i have thought about this for so long now but i have never given it much time. i was so focused on so many worldly things as what others may call it. i dont know if im ready to accept the reality that not all things are as good as what they seem they are...



i have three friends whom ive met at the same time way back then. i see one, a, always and we remain friends even until now. the other one, b, ive lost contact with and never saw again. the last one, c, i just met again recently and stayed in touch (i hope). although you would like to be friends with all three always, but things change. i always see a and we were having more or less the same environment. we understand each other and there are things that dont need to be stated but we both know right away. c on the other hand, had a different environment. when c came back, i dont know what to say. i dont know if c would still like to talk of simple things like a and i does. i dont know if c enjoys reminiscing. i just dont know. so i kept quite. and c was quite as well. i dont know if c felt the same.



i met a again and had a great time... we talked of our dreams, future plans and of people we were both acquainted with... and i discovered that a felt the same way of c. how bad...



c seems so distant. our environment and culture have very little common points now. i just miss the old c full of stories and jokes to tell. i miss the old c who has a simple life to talk about. i miss the old c... but i guess the old c will remain in the past. the old c is now the new c who i have no idea on... the new c is a grown up, a more serious c. i dont know if c still jokes, and what these jokes are about. i can really tell c is not into childish stuff now. maybe its the upbringing. c is onto the world while i remained here in the province. i remained simple but c has a wider perspective... i tried to open up with c and maybe get his idea on things, get a glimpse of how c's life is now but c never opened up. i got this feeling that c is pushing me away. maybe c is burrying the past--never remember anything of me.



i guess i too have grown. i may not have noticed it but maybe i did too. but one thing for sure never changed. i never make the first move. im scared to make the first move. im scared to open a conversation. i talk only when people are talking. i feel the mode and vibe of the people first before talking. i just hope i can change that... maybe c felt that i too have changed. maybe its the reason c never spoke.



if ever ill meet b in the future, hope it would be different from that with c. i think its better to not meet at all and have this imagination of us being friends.



this is just one of the many things burried in my heart as of the moment. one thorn is finally removed.