(57) clueless... part 2

its been awhile since my head drifted off somewhere... and surprisingly, i allowed it to drift off. last week was a complete mess, so many deadlines to meet and people to beat.... but now is a completely different story... earlier, i thought of having a good day... i mailed people expecting some replies but no... nothing came... absolutely no replies... it is very disappointing to have no progress at all... oops, you might think that this is the perfect life for you; a life with nothing to do at all is what everyone wishes.... i thought so too, but nah... a life with nothing to do is like a traffic light in a farming village. might as well stop it and save electricity than keep it up and serve no purpose. with the feeling i have now, i would rather be in a coffin buried deep down the earth.. it is that boring today... I'm totally alone with no one else to talk to, or with no energy at all to open my jaw and speak up...

my seatmate is not here, she is dead today... imagine how you would feel after attending a birthday party miles away from home... she was dead even before she left... i couldn't imagine it to be worse.. i didn't know that a dead man could still die... how dead can a dead man be, this was what was running through my head hearing her cough all night... double dead meat...

my other seatmate, well it's always hard to catch him during the day... he was here for a while and we joked but i just couldn't find the energy to keep up with it... it's not that we don't talk often, i do enjoy our conversations, but it's just that he has so many others to talk to as well... and they talk in Japanese, of all the languages why talk in something i'm not fluent in... naturally, the conversation dwindled to a natural death...

now with no one to talk to but myself, sleep is the worst enemy... i've tried reading my book, memoirs of a geisha, and i'm on the near-end chapters but this only fueled sleep... the more i kept on, the more heavy my lids became... don't get me wrong, the book was fun... but the last few chapters were gloomy and all... my brain must have told my lids to close and gain stars than keep on imagining a war full of dead people all over...

now my brain is bringing me back to the sober days, when words spoken went freely without barrier... i can still remember how i have heard conversations on men with their exploits with women... i can still hear the descriptions used on the ways of carnal desires... and i was only disgusted.. and then i remembered the reasons women use for getting what they wanted... i can clearly picture the scenes when they reasoned out that women deserves only the best... and with this, i too felt disgusted... men should keep their adventures to themselves, it is not an award to be bragged... women should find more clever reasons to be cherished-- being a 'woman' is just an overused cliche (double impact for that...). and here i am being cynical about others but never learning. I'm just a self righteous prick... i see the wrongs but i too have mistakes to take focus on... maybe i should work on them more... but today is just not that day...

now the day's end is near and people will be slowly going out... still i'm doing nothing... yes there were occasional calls and i am happy to have them but my brain is still far-way, never been back from the sailing adventure it took earlier... this post has reached this length but still i don't know if i've written much or to continue on... this paragraph surely sounds like a closing statement... but i'm not even sure how to close something i have never opened...

now they're telling jokes of me, but i'm just too tired and sleepy to argue...

just let them be for now...