fall

yeah, i already promised to myself not to write emo stuff again but i can't help it.
i can't help but wonder what wrong i have done...

hmmm...

well...

i guess this is goodbye...
and this is what i was most afraid of...

us drifting apart.

ow sorry, there was never an us.
that was all in my dreams.

i guess this is me backing off
coz it really hurts.

and i was willing to throw myself into it but i can't jump off when it seems no one is there to catch me or even pick me up...

2 days' worth

so this must be rejection,
this must be misfortune.
for one second i thought it was heaven,
but then it was hell.

i kept it to myself how i felt lost.
but you were there and held me up,
and we talked it through,
and i was ok for a while,
and you seemed nice, too.
and it seemed that we clicked,
and i began to feel again,
and wished to be with you.

i never asked but you came,
and for a second i embraced it all.

but...
it hurts...

i can't have you.
you were different,
you were looking for something else.
so this must be why you said to take it slow,
this must be the real reason.
you were just not that into me.
you were not feeling me at all.
i should have read the signs earlier,
i felt so stupid to trust and feel,
but it is a process.
it hurts...

i tried to reach out,
i really tried to.
i am alone again.
i have no hold over you...
it really hurts how one second you made me feel hope.
i must have looked pitiful.
it must be pity for i can't find any reason at all.
i just can't...

i was back in hell...
but for one second i thought it was heaven.
this is my misfortune,
this is rejection.

october 11

when i resolved to chatting, i can't help but wonder if these people are being real to themselves. no one will ever know if they are telling the truth. no one will care too i guess. most people are in for a good time. yeah, i too was there for a good time at first. but somehow as the days pass, i started to look for something else. you'll get bored of the food in front of your monitor eventually. that happened to me. people will look for comfort from people, people need to interact and be a social being. it is a natural urge.

i took the step and started with simple comments. "lol" was a good word to start with; i'm glad it was invented. i was a "loller", the best "loller" in fact... others "lolled" too, but i knew i was the best. lol. it was a pathetic life. some cared but most didn't. and then i grew some courage, spoke some other words. from then on, they knew i could spell more words... it was a huge step. the social urge as they say grew more and more each day.

then came the time that people started to recognise me. some remembered at least. wit was a key factor. i was a natural charmer. it was all with words and nothing else. then came people who started to like and pursue. it was awkward really. but maybe im a natural born flirt, it was never my intention but they fell for me. i am the worst, i must be. so maybe this is what giving wrong signals is. i never had this feeling before. or so i thought... maybe i had. as i waded through this small publicity, i met you.

a simple hi and hello. conversations that kept on for hours was a constant. we promised not to fall for each other. i never did. probably you didn't too. i never had the courage to reveal myself to you. but you were a natural talker too. it was like meeting a duplicate of me. slowly i was barenaked not in a literal way. you will probably shutdown your machine if that was the case. it was easy, not forced at all. i cut down the pursuers as you said, i knew you were happy when i did. i never had any intentions of having this any further but i am a softie. all of a sudden, you made me smile. that was a bad sign. we were constantly joking not to fall but all that time i was already willing to jump this cliff with you. but just as i was about to, you just cant... you were chained down with trouble.

i could not fight against that. you were in that state of uncertainty... you were complicated as you spoke more and more of you to me. i was willing to accept all of that dirt... i really was. i tried to break you free of that chain... i really did. you talked of plans but didn't work for it. you yourself were weighing you down. you were never willing to break that chain in the first place. it was a lossing case... it was hard. but i had to let it go. we were not meant to be. we met at the wrong time.

you were back with your ex. and i have to move on.

i never heard anything from you since oct 11

scarier than halloween

and now im back after a month's hiatus. who would have thought that i'd completely skip october? this project is just insane. imagine 14 hours of work 5 times a week... i am drag...

but for these couple of weeks i was gone, i did not allow myself to drown in despair... no no... not my style at all. while i worked my butts off on weekdays, i let loose on weekends... hmmm... not really but never mind, you know what i mean probably. wahihihi. limited rest indeed! if i were in a similar situation back in the philippines, i will surely whither in no time. (family is not part of the comparison of course. nothing beats the comforts of family. V(^o^)V ) good thing im not!

updates... hmm... well, too bad now though that a new law was passed in japan. p2p downloading is now prohibited!!! now what is the use of a fast internet connection if downloading is illegal, you may ask. well, streaming is still allowed though so i'm not that panicky yet. (who downloads porn these days? oops... slip of the finger. wahihihi) but it really was a huge blow though. finding online versions of your favorite movies and series can be a little frustrating. it takes skill to know what keywords to search for. lol... the new law somehow minimized my things to do when bored in japan.

but who needs internet when there is...

food!!! yum yum

oooops.. that last one was intended. lol.

and...

in transit

transitions are hard to handle, i know this first hand. when in transition it means that something new is here; something new is creeping into your stable existence. and whether you like it or not, it will stay giving you no other choice but to have a transition. a transition from the old to the new: from the usual to the unknown.

it is always hard knowing what ticks the other. and yes you will be doing it again since you are in transition. there is that element of surprise as you go by again. "what to do and what not to do" is another question that keeps lingering. an uncertain period it surely is.

but transition periods usually determine how the future will be. whether you will be happy or not depends on how well you handled a transition period.

expect me not to back down during this period... coz i won't... my stable existence will remain stable and it will not be shaken. i won't allow it. it will pass and we will all be on our wings flying. but unlike icarus who fell, we will soar and be successful.

wet but dry

For some reason i cannot fathom, i happened to be with beautiful-eyes chan and loud-cook on a car. It was probably going somewhere for quite sometime now. We were so engrossed in a conversation i couldn't recall when we passed by a girl acquaintance. For some strange turn of events, we decided to take her with us and have some fucking good time with emphasis on fucking (yeah, this entry is a little for adults only. sorry guys, but i got to write what i got to write). The plan was to have some girl with beautiful-eyes and then me with beautiful-eyes action. I couldn't imagine how great that must be for eyes-chan but it must also be tiring and stressful.

So off we went to loud-cook's abode so we can start at the earliest. With only some drinks offered but never accepted, the girl and eyes-chan undressed and caressed each other: slowly and passionately until only their undies were left--black and purple (i'm very much colorblind but those sure were undies). Lips were so locked up that air couldn't possibly enter. It was hot. HOT hot! Piping HOT hot! And sorry but i couldn't contain myself from not joining the fun. I just had too. I was driven by lust and nothing else. I even forgot what i was there for. My sexuality was out of the question. I just had to do it. I fondled the girl's pinkish part. Yeah i did. And yeah it was wet. But as my fingers tried to dug in further, the girl shrunk and shrunk to the point that even my pinky couldn't fit in any longer. It was a disaster! And a total turn off. It's as if she wouldn't allow any part of me to enter her. Was i that disgusting or horrible to her? I couldn't tell. But the moment i got away, she puffed back to normal and they continued their joy to the last drop. It must have been great, they were covered in sweat. It must have been sweet. And i want to have my share.

It was my turn to get happy finally. And i was excited, or at least some part of me was. I allowed some time for eyes-chan to recover. But the doorbell rang. Damn! A friend of the cook's came. Total disaster! So i waited for him to leave. And it seemed like ages has passed. I got engrossed in the conversation as well.

Then i realized that i was left alone with the girl. And i was comforting her for some reason. In that situation i had bigger issues than her; where are eyes-chan and the cook? The girl talked like crazy: a soliloquy but with me in it. She was complaining about her life. No one has loved her ever since. Hmmm... familiar story; she must have read my autobiography. She was crying and sappy in my arms when eyes-chan and the cook came back. It appeared that eyes-chan and the cook went to church. They must be repenting for whatever sins they are about to commit to my willing body. I gave a smile; I can see the hunger in eyes-chan's eyes and i loved it. Who am i to deny such earthly pleasures? That was enough for me. As we were about to satiate our carnal desires, the doorbell rang, again.

Relatives of the cook were welcomed in and it seems they were not going anywhere else for quite some time. What? It was a disaster? I haven't even touched flesh! I haven't even unbuckled my belt. Prolonging my pleasure for the second time was not what i was looking for. I was desperate but i am not an exhibitionist. This was a dilemma i cannot solve. I was planning to be as expressive (read as noisy) as i can. But all of it turned to waste. Eyes-chan and the cook were also frustrated. But how should we proceed?

I had to wake up from this nightmare, that was the answer. And i did... frustrated...

It was not the pleasure i was after. But it was the frustration from having to wait. It was a bad timing but hindered twice must be an omen. I shouldn't be frustrated by a dream, i know. But this one seemed like a reflection of the reality... I am still single... I am still a virgin.

But i can still dream. Which means that i can still sleep. Which means that i will still be waking up in tomorrow's present.

What a dry wet dream... Nightmare!

wants and wishes

i just stumbled upon this block of letters above that i would like to share with you guys. this actually came from twitter (i'm completely ripping it off @iTweetFacts' tweet ). what amazes me though is how it claims to tell you what you want in life. i mean, seriously? can a random block of letters really tell me what i want? skeptic but i did gave it a try in the end.

LOVE - hmmm. interesting! hmmm yeah! who doesn't want love? duh! but secretly, i was pondering over this for quite some time now. seriously, i'm starting to think about settling down. i want to have my own home where i can return to, my own family who will welcome me and kiss me when i get back from work, my own private harem. oops! all of these except the last, can only be realized with love. so yeah, i wanted it. i'm craving for it in fact.

HAPPINESS - wow! this i can also understand. who doesn't want to be happy? hello?!?!?! with so much negativity around, to be happy seems like a privilege. surprisingly, i have started to block out the negative thoughts recently. in fact, the best advice i got yesterday was for me to block all the people who will only give me wrinkles. so far, i think i have done well. i want to give myself a pat in the back (this is not in the block of letters though, T^T ). reconsider old hobbies, uncover pent up emotions, explore the unexplored facets of me -- these are my plans to happiness.

EXPERIENCE - bwahahahaha. exposed!!! and i was about to call this letter block a hoax. bwahahhaha... yeah i am a virgin in many ways. so... yeah, i want to experience many things in many ways. on second thought, i need to experience them ASAP. this made me laugh, for goodness sake. this block of letters can really tell what you want in life. i can attest to that.


try it and see its power. :D

better left unsaid

There are things better left unsaid. Last friday was a little bare all for me. Why were they suddenly asking those questions?

It was a little embarrassing. Really, i do get shy as well. I was embarrassed and got red too. If not for some alcohol (alcohol loosens the tongue, though i'm not yet drunk but at least i'm good in acting) i wouldn't be able to answer those. With charm hopefully... who would have thought that they would ask about my sexuality? Hmm. Next topic please -- if i had the choice but that would be so uncool. No charm at all. And besides, i know that i will have to deal with it sometime... with people who matters most. Better try to explain now and gain some confidence, practice should i say?

All i got left was to say what i feel, that is not hard at all. But that made them more confused. Who wouldn't be? I'm confused myself; i wouldn't expect them not to be. Bwahhaha. Just allow me to explore some more and then maybe i will have the answer by then. But right now i am an asexual being. Oh wait, that is not the right term but i haven't thought much about that so let me explore both worlds for now. Whoever comes and makes me happy, i would gladly accept. The lack of experience is a big part of it...

And that makes all the difference.

But what shocked me more was how others handled the same question. Awkward but it doesn't matter. The question was awkward in the first place. And who wants to talk that stuff with your boss? No one! Hope my mouth saved him a bit, let all the attention be mine for something this weird.

Better left unsaid right? It'd better be.


PS. the thai food was great. Spicy but great. But whatever comes in, needs to come out. Imagine how spicy that was. bwahahahha.

romeos

i watched a rather interesting film last night and i would like to share it with you guys. pardon for my naivety; i do not watch movies for their cinematography nor any other technical aspects (i do admit that costume and set sometimes triggers me to watch movies). but i watch movies either because i am intrigued by the movie (plot included), the actors look great (contributes around 70% for less advertised movies), there is some fun involved (that includes either comedy or hot seduction), or any mix of the above. that is how unreliable i am.

here is my write-up for Romeos, a 2011 German film.

let me start by saying that the movie was really something. it started with a man, Lukas (rick okon), who just moved to Cologne and was accidentally assigned to the female dormitories. well at least that was what it seemed to me initially. the first scene was awkward with Lukas entering the toilet examining himself in the mirror and then suddenly a woman with towel wrapped around her body(obviously from the shower) came in view. she then screamed her lungs out.

lusang gitisud

bisan ug asa ka pa anaa, naa gyuy mga panahon na wala kay lingaw. dinhi sa japan, kay pwerte man ka paspas sa internet, aw natural, ang among buhaton aning mga alaut na panahon kay may kalabutan sa internet.

sa usa ka adlaw'ng alaot, na bore gyud ko. ambot unsay nisulod sa akong utok atong mga panahuna nga nag-apil-apil man ko ug chatroom. pwerte sad nakong lingawa hinuon kay aligre man sab kaayo ang mga gipangchat sa mga tawo. pero mao lagi na, pareho sa kasagarang chatroom daghan sad kaayo mag flirt-flirt. nalibog gyud ko pero karong panahuna murag tanang tawo kay bigaon na man siguro oi. sorry kaayo sa term pero ambot oi, kung walay biga kay di man siguro managhan ang chatroom. aw naa sad bayay mga tarong sa sugod, pero biga ra gihapon ang padulngan (kasakit! naunay ko. wahahhaa).

nag hilom-hilom pa ko pag-una; lisod baya ning wala ka kahibalo pa kung unsay mga kalihukan. unya silang tanan kay murag dugay nang kaila baya. nagbasa-basa ra sa ko ug mga messages ug nagsigi ug agik-ik. sa wa lang damha nagreply na ko ug "lol @ pangan". mura ra sad ni'g akong kalaki sa facebook sad ba na kusog kaayo mo like. well unsaon ta man na wala may like sa chat gud. pwerte gyud nakong pagkalingaw sa ilang mga gipang isturyahan.

ug sa dihang naay ni message sa chatroom na nangita daw siya ug friend, kinsa daw ang ganahan. aw nimessage ra sad ko na ganahan ko. sa laktod na pagkaisturya, nag chat na mi sa skype. o sosyal, nag skype-skype na. sturya mi ug work, iyang uyab, ug iyang mga plano sa kinabuhi. ug kay naglisod baya ko'g filipino gamay, nagsige ra gyud ko ug ngisi. amaw-amawan lang ang show ba. nagpakita dayon siya ug pictures niya sa facebook, ug niingon na "ang panget ko no?". aw ang ako sad, care ko kung panget  na friendship ra baya gyud akong tuyo. ako na lang sad giclick. kung laing tawo ang motan-aw ato for sure normal ra gyud to na nawng. unya unsaon ta man na hilason man ko, taas-taas baya ko ug standards unya di man gyud siya kapasar... naglibog na dayon ko kung unsay itubag. alangan man sad ug ingnon nako na "ahh ikaw to? sige busy pala ako, chat you next time na lang". honest gyud diay siya, ako na lang gi-ingnan na "ahh ikaw to, angayan lagi imong uyab. (in filipino of course. bwahahhaha)". 

ug sa dihang nikalit na man siya ug ingon na love na daw ko niya. hala! kakuyaw! murag usa ka oras pa gani ta nagchat, unya diba naa man kay uyab? tanga-tangahan mode nasad ko, aw gikataw-an lang sad nako. palihis topic, gisukit-sukit ug maayo sa iyang uyab. nitubag ra sad ang kagwang. sa pagkadugay sa sturya, nibalik na sad ug "i love you". samoka! ako sad giingnan, "akala ko ba friends lang hinahanap mo?". ug gireplyan sad ko'g, "may kasunod yun, or a serious relationship. ano ba intindi mo dun?". aw ako ra sad giingnan na abi nako ug friendly relationship. unya nangutana dayon siya kung love sad daw ba nako siya. hala kuyawa! lupig pa man shotgun ani. mura siya'g lusa na lami tusdon (sugod karon, panganlan na siya nako'g lusa). while nagsige siya ug labyu-labyu nako, nagsige sad ug panghatag ug number ang kagwang sa chatroom. nagsige pa gyud ug panghagad ug eyeball sa bisan kinsa na lang tawo. ataka! mao na diay ni lab-lab run, "one-to-many relationship"? nahurt akong pride da, ako sad gireplyan sa chatroom na "go @ lusa". ug ni katawa ra sad. nibalik na sad ug chat nako sa skype na love lagi daw ko niya. ako sad siya giingnan na "di kasi ako naniniwala sa long distance relationship (samot na sa through chat lang no). but we are friends". winner!!! 

hangtud karon kay nagsige lang gihapon mi ug chat. aw don't get me wrong, lingaw man gyud siya ka chat kung dili lang maabot sa labyu-labyu. ako siya na-pangutana once na kung modemand ko na buwagan ang iyang uyab, iya bang buwagan. wow nice kaayo ang tubag, mao daw na ang kondisyon niya sa iyang mga nakarelasyon na dili daw niya buwagan iyang uyab. hala! unsa ni, disclaimer??? "no other woman" ang role nako ani da. bwahahhaha. di ko mabuhi ana oi. possessive baya ko, ang akong ganahan kay ako ra ang center sa iyang attention. kacute ra nako ah, dapat na siya makontento nako oi!

nalibog sad gyud ko kung nganong naa gyu'y mga tawo na feeling kaayo na god's gift to humanity sila. love as many as you can... share yourself to all... ang problema pa gyud kay kaning mga tawhana kay dili pa gyud kaayo mga ambongan. haller!!! lusa ra ka oi, wa ka nalipong??? "one-to-one" ra man gani si anne curtis ug si erwan(feeling close?!?!?!?!).

public nudity

after a big fiesta last sunday, a friend and i decided to go to the onsen. well, we actually planned this ahead but i was never sure if it would push through. but yeah it did. lucky! i never planned to invite male colleagues and i strived very hard to get them out of the plan. i am not in my perfect shape to be seen naked just yet. oops... i guess i should have mentioned first that people get naked once inside the onsen. it is not a rare practice: getting naked that is. japanese people get naked even in the dressing rooms, how much more inside a public huge hot bathroom. there goes my queue for what an onsen is (^o^)

after getting lost for about 3 minutes, we found the place. i wasn't expecting it to be on the 3rd and 4th floor of a mall though. who would have thought this is possible? my first onsen was near a waterfall, my second was on a spacious almost desserted part of the city. and now, on a mall? how convenient! and how varied these places are in.

1500 for the onsen and another 700 for the rock bed sauna, not bad for high priced tokyo living. men and women have separate rooms for the onsen. though there are others which have mixed bathing, people usually don't get naked in these cases. so that means that i'll be seeing lots of dangling objects for this one.

it was my first in this place so my friend and i decided to meet back outside (with full clothes on) after 15 minutes. deal! when i went in the men's, first thing that came to view was the dressing area with all the lockers for the clothes. along with the lockers were the naked men. i was expecting this much. it really has something to do with the custom i suppose, i was carefully slowly getting off my clothes while people around me are rushing to get them off. peeling off my clothes but my undies, i inspected the towels received from the front desk. one big, for drying self after getting wet. and another small, the only piece of cloth allowed inside the wet area. i can still remember the first time i went in in an all naked onsen; my japanese colleagues told me that the small towel is usually soaked in cold water and placed on top of your head to keep your head cool, at least. they even said that those who walk in covering themselves with the towel usually gets stared at. knowing this, i took off everything and walked in proud. in all naked glory... not before a little panic attack earlier when i couldn't lock my closet. ;)

IT reasons

never mind some of the spelling but i just have to share this to everyone. kudos to the original facebook sharer.

now if you too, are in the IT industry, how many of the reasons above fits you?

blue

no one bothered to mention anything at all. that is what hurts the most. i don't want to be left out, i don't want to feel ostracized. a simple heads up would have been okay. i could have just let it slip away.

what have i done wrong to deserve this? i just can't hide this frustration at all over a small thing.

but why do i feel a little agitated over such a small thing? i don't know... but their reason, though it must have been a joke, only made it worse. and it was never the small thing that mattered.

no one bothered to mention...

no one bothered to tell...

that is what hurts the most.

chapter 4 page 74

i usually read a book while riding on a train going to and from work. and like the usual, i was reading a book once on a drizzling day. though the train was a bit packed than the usual and i will be left standing until  my last stop probably, this did not stop me from my reading.

so there i was with legs getting a bit sore from trying hard not to fall flat on this fast moving train when i opened chapter 4. moving forward until around the end of the chapter, the scenes got into me. somehow i felt what the character felt. the character on a last note, unable to keep her mouth shut, uttered words of thanks in honor of a dead pal and the crowd respected her more for that. they even gave her the sign which was only used in her district to show their appreciation.

i was so engrossed with this scene that my eyes began to swell. what?!?!?! though this is a bit common when watching ultraemotional daily life movies, this is a first while reading a book. i immediately stopped and concentrated to keep those moist from welling (and eventually fall as tears). i'm sure the people around me would also find it weird, sobbing while reading a book surely isn't common. i wouldn't even acknowledge myself if a single tear would fall. water from eyes, please go away. suck them all back in, eyes... with all my might it eventually ceased. good grief! and now, it is nothing but a good laugh.

try reading the book and see for yourself. just let the emotions flow and wait for the dreaded chapter 4. hmmm... but you have to read the first book to have a full gist of the story i think. nonetheless, it is still a good read.

catching fire.

blinders

is it right to reflect your anger to others? is it right to burst out to people who haven't done you wrong?

i don't think so.

but i guess i have done this a couple of times myself, i admit.

when things don't go your way, i don't think it is right to blame them to others. i always think that things happen because of our own doings. that is why a coward like me do not go that far, for if i do i know i will fall off this flat disc of an earth. but you who have gone far should have known that it is painful once you fall back to the ground. for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction, even physics knows that. so how come it seems that people haven't learned this yet?

i always try to be centered on matters like this and i know that people have limits. but can you please look into yourself first before getting angry at the world? reexamine your deeds and discover the reasons of things. take off those blinders for once and see where people are coming from. it is really quite unfair to hear stuff even you yourself find hard to speak of. you are only seeing your path, be responsible okay. when people tell you words, you immediately clam up and start barking. come on. i get it that you don't want to be told so i stopped. stand up in what you believe in if you insist but do not put down others nor use your powers to bring them harm. what a mighty pen, or keyboard rather. but i know that somewhere down in that smoke filled body, there is still a human who knows right from wrong. be the better man.

words hurt.

reality check

for some reason, i need to expand my horizon once again.

i don't want to be stuck with the now yet, no way. now how would i do that?

it's time for some reality check first.

1. hello innocente, you don't always get what you want.

• to whoever told me that i can, you are absolutely wrong. i don't. for if i did, i would have a better hunkier body. i'm not complaining with my chunks now, but i could do more. i am a work in progress. only abnormal people have perfect bodies right away.
• and you know what, i could have been in the arms of someone right now. but boohoo, i am not. so nada. there it goes. puff!

2. hello innocente, do not assume that all people are like you.

• not all are as happy natured as you are. not all are as loyal as you are. not all are of the same wavelength as yours. you just have to accept this fact. you just have to lower your expectations or you will only get disappointed. do not expect much from the people around you. you just can't. remember that not all can take the greatness of who you are. better hold that head high and face the world head on. you bitches are plain bitches. wahahahaha. welcome the best bitch in town. wahahaha.

3. hello innocente, be always prepared.

• you don't know what these people's true motives are. these are all thinking people, not like you. and why do i always end up relying on feelings? use your brain for once. life is too short got to live it long. do not be taken advantage of. there are some things better left unsaid or they will fire back taking some form which will eventually cause some tragedy.

and what spurred this all?

you do not need to know.

district higashigotanda represented.

welcome to the hunger games.

those little nothings missed

for a little over than a week now, i have been working my butts off as if there is no tomorrow. in just that short span of time, it makes you realize the importance of small things.

1. i miss eating dinner together with my housemates
• it is not the eating per se but more on the small talks that comes with it. i haven't spent much time with them yet. solong solo ko na sana ang mga ito pero ngayon pa talaga naging ganito ka busy. hay buhay, napakamapaglaro mo talaga. gusto ko nang laruin ang mga housemates ko. parang ang sagwa pakinggan pero go pa din.
2. i miss lunch time with my officemate
• and he happens to be a housemate as well. last resort ko na sana ito para malaman ang mga kaganapan sa loob ng bahay ng mga aliping saguiguilid(metaphor lamang po, of course our situation is nowhere near the aliping saguiguilid status). and there it goes, my last resort just puffed. i miss the short non-work related break. i miss the going-to-the-combini-together-to-buy-snacks. i miss our happy days and our happy times. if we were only in the same room then it would have been ok. this really sucks. (oi oi oi... pampakilig ra ni na number actually. bwahahahha.)
3. i miss the nonsense chat with online friends
• what else can i say, i have been spending the whole time trying to plan this project out. thinking hurts you know. and trying to explain yourself in another language is triple the headache. i have not experienced anything close to this i think(if you know me you would know that this is an exaggeration. there are so many other things more TROUBLEsome than this).
4. i mss my online drama and online anime
• i haven't seen my korean and japanese stars(both human and drawn) for a long time now.
5. i miss my japanese class and test
• usually, meron akong 1 hour class na nihongo sa umaga. eh paano ngayon yan ni wala nga akong oras para uminom ng tubig. ay oo nga pala, miss ko din ang uminom ng tubig. balik muna tayo sa test. ang hirap naman din kasi nitong mga kanji na ito. kung madali lang eh di sana hindi din ito tatagal ng isang oras din. pero nakakamiss din pala. gusto ko nang maging grade 5(mga kanji na pang grade 4 pa lang kami ngayon).
6. i miss drinking water
• as i'ce said earlier, nakakalimutan ko nang uminom ng tubig. i usually drink 3 bottles of water but i can't hardly finish one right now. my mind is always somewhere else that it can no longer trigger my hand to grab the water bottle for me to drink.
7. nakakamiss din mag blog
• as if palagi din akong nagboblog. pero miss ko talaga siya ngayon. at least dati nakakapagisip ako, "ano kaya ang magandang iblog? hmmm... paano kaya isulat yun? hmmm... eh meron kayang babasa? hmmm... ay h'wag nalang, tinatamad ako." o diba may choice. pero ngayon, "ano nga yang blog?".

but then at the end of the day (night i mean), i am still alive. and as the song says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... stronger...

hay.

i'd rather go to the gym and be stronger than experience this whole thing. but since i am a little masochistic, i guess this is fine. gosh, i am full of contradictions.

memories of yesterdays

I just saw "the vow" and wow, it struck me in a way. How misserable could life be if suddenly someone forgets about you? How painful could it get if the one you love don't even recognize you anymore? and somehow, this felt not so foreign to me at all. In a way, i have experienced the same. It is not as life changing as car crashes nor amnesia. But still i can relate to some extent.

All of a sudden everything changed. It got bland. It's as if the past got totally erased from his mind. we were so close back then and then suddenly, bam!, goodbye. and it hurts so badly seeing him suddenly change. it pains me that he no longer talks nonsense to me. i don't know what triggered it. i don't know what the catalyst of the change was. but i do know the pain after. and the worst part was that he was totally healthy; no head injuries, no amnesia. totally healthy and even getting fatter each day.

we were not in a relationship. so how much more painful could it be in "the vow"'s case? i just can't imagine and i don't want to have the same fate. but then in the movie, the character tried and succeeded. and became happy again for regaining their past happiness. but for my case, err.... yeah i tried. and we talked about it. he reassured that nothing changed. but yet... deep in me i knew that it was not the same. from then i lost faith... the joy was good while it lasted... it will serve nothing but a memory and a lesson well learned. but don't get me wrong, i am happy now.

this really sucked. for bringing back those memories. for making me write about him again, "the vow" must really be effective. "the vow" was a painful journey but yet it ended happily. who doesn't want a movie to end on a good note? everyone wishes for a happy ending, don't we?

while riding the train... or rather, while going home

what can you write, or blog while inside the train?

one day i asked myself this question. i was actually planning to cheat, i tried to start while still in the office. and then i refrained by deciding to start writing while waiting for the train. waaaah. a complete failure.

i certainly cannot write while walking. and certainly not while running trying to catch my train ride. my train arrived right away completely failing my plan.

so here i am inside, sitting comfortably... or was i? my seatmate was really big, i can't hardly move my left shoulder. but still i've got to try or this experiment would fail.

wow... 3 stations have passed and yet i am still searching for the memo, or the notepad. this really sucks. i cannot find a medium to write in.

finally found notes and started writing the first few paragraphs (or rather sentences) and then i have to transfer trains. wow. how long can i keep up with this?

and here i am standing inside (don't i have any new words to use?). nowhere to sit now but yet writing frantically my thoughts. can i finish or not? hmmmmm.

good grief! notes is full. so new page it is then....

it seems that the longer i write, the more hindrance comes. and i need to transfer trains again.

this is insane. i am cheating. writing while waiting for the train  to arrive is definitely not part of the plan.
.
.
.
and here i am now. just arrived at my last stop and yet is still writing. hmmmm. 1sentence while riding the escalator. another 1 while getting out of the station gate.... maybe i should just change my aim, this is no longer a blog while riding the train. this is a blog while going home!!!!

ooopz this is scary, writing while crossing the street. if i stumble, this is not a good enough reason. very shameful.

inside the elevator now. and planning not to get out just so i can finish this sentence. insane!

and i just asked "why are you cooking?".

this is ridiculous.

last part. and here is the end. i am home.

time for a picture.

(ba't ba kasi rotated 'tong picture na to???? ang hirap naman.... paano ba to irotate?)

(while reading back, this post is totally nonsense. i am very sorry for your time wasted. :D)

20 crazy facts about sex

well these certainly did not come from me. i haven't had any experience on this matter. but as they said, these are facts. and don't get me wrong, japan did not make me a pervert (i already am ever since). what a nice entry for a comeback. bwahahahaha. hope this does not get me banned.

WARNING: this is not for the faint of heart.


WARNING: you have been warned earlier so do not complain.


WARNING: i also don't know if these are real facts. bwahahahha. what a careless blogger i am.

I'm just joking, these are pretty harmless. wahahahha

the art of breaking up

when things get tough, what do you usually do? when things don't go the way you planned, how do you usually react? when relationships get sour, how do you spice it up?

i don't know what i'll do if it were me. i'd probably fight back. i'd probably try to save everything. i'd probably search for what i could have done better. i'd probably act on them and regain what i once had. i'd probably face reality and not try to hide from it. no more drama. this is war.

but, it isn't my story. it is not about me. but if it were true, good thing no one cried. if it were true, the timing is so perfect it seemed not real. the curse of being away must really be true, i was a victim too.

i can't help but wonder, what went wrong? but i'm never gonna ask; let things unfold as i witness them. here comes the denial stage. go things! unfold some more.

disclaimers

and who would have thought this is how the pieces would fit?

i started blogging way back friendster time. and then i blogged in multiply. and finally here in blogspot. friendster closed so i imported all my entries to here. but i still haven't figured out how to import my entries from multiply.

i usually write when i am bothered by something: pushed by emotions i felt. this explains most of the outburst entries in this blog. i haven't cared who my readers were; i only wrote my feelings. i was confident that no one would read this blog but unfortunately, people did.

i am thankful that people are appreciating this minimal blog but people from work have started reading as well. and that makes it scary. i was expecting a few to read but not that much. i also have already forgotten what i wrote; which makes it even more scary. wahahahha. goodbye to my small reputation. wahihihihi.

now, how do i proceed from here? hmmmm... just carry on. just for a bit i forgot that a blog is never private so until this much is expected. news do travel faster by mouth. to my reader's, avid or not, just keep the entries to yourself OK. OK! if i only knew who of my colleagues read this then it would be easier to hunt them down. wahahahha.

ps: now that i'm back in japan, i might talk more of japan. and who would have thought that i would someday be wearing a suit for work? it is not a daily thing though but it happens weekly. i still have to practice much with the necktie. if only ancient people didn't invent this troublesome piece of cloth then i would have been happier. wahihihihi. my boss himself taught me how to tie; so troublesome of me.

closing another chapter

who would have thought that i will be back in japan? who would have thought this day would come? i certainly didn't. and i am damn proud of my self and honored to be chosen. and yes, i will do my best to pay back this faith received. but unfortunately though, i have left a great crowd back home.

it was one eventful january when i first signed a contract. who would have thought that this could lead me to such a joyous group. i will surely miss our nihongo sessions. though it was short but it is also one of my happiest. 4 hours of spending time together everyday surely made its mark. 5 names surely have a spot. happy breathing in and breathing out guys. keep your voices loud even without me.

around the second half of last year was a momentous event. it was the start of a horrible time but filled with laughter as well. i can attest that when people undergo the same hardships and struggles together, they grow stronger and bond closer. for together we faced a great wave and together we survived. move forward team ganesha!

and who would forget my beloved. they come and go but i stayed. as one of the founding members of such a great time, i now turn over my crown. i cannot be thankful enough for such a great learning journey. it is with shinsei that i grew, slimmed down, rose up, had heartaches, and lived my life. i will never become the me i am today if not for this project. to all shinsei members, you always have a special place in my system. wahihihhihi. may you also learn as much, if not more, than i did.

now enough of this drama.

hello japan!

hello new project!

hello new team!

this will surely be one hell of a ride and i will never back out of this. head on collision they say... the challenge may be tough but i am tougher. bwahahahahha.

two cases of friendship

the fact that i have no hesitations in telling what i feel towards you means that i believe that the bond we have is strong enough to take it... that no matter what i say, you would take it as an advice... that no matter how different our ideals are, it is for your betterment from my perspective... it is never meant to harm you nor push you away...

but how come this is going nowhere?

of course i didn't expect it to be easy. making you follow my advice is not my goal. all i was asking was for you to rethink. and yes you did think. but how come you are suddenly preaching about friendships? is it too much to ask to be happy for you, you say. but you never told me remember; you didn't ask me to be happy for you. if i didn't blurt out those comments, you wouldn't have told me anything. of course i am happy that you are happy but it would keep me at ease if i knew more details. it would feel better and more genuine if things that might complicate were taken care of first. i don't like this "you and me against the world" scenario. if you really believe that this is it then why keep it a secret? you think there is nothing wrong, i too think there is nothing wrong but please tell those concerned parties. you can keep hating me for not supporting your decision fully. but know that i am still happy for you.

and here is another one...

on the other side of the world, here is another with a blooming heart. keep on dating girl, there is nothing wrong with it. i am happy for your possible first but am sad for myself as well. i can't help but feel a little envious for soon you will be experiencing love. i too want to feel it myself. it aches a little when you reminisce. i want to know more but am afraid to know. and then i smile seeing that shyness while you recall. there is that spark in your eyes. and that makes me happy. i know that envy is wrong but i can drown it in this happiness i feel for you. my story is different than yours and now is your time to be in the spotlight. i don't want to replace you under that (for harsh light can cause damage to your skin. bitter!!! wahahahha...)

gosh!!!

small quakes 6.9

it was a normal day for normal employees like me. i came to office a little past 8:30. late from my everyday morning dose of nihongo lessons. once again, we breathed in and out. and went on with the class. but just before noon came, something out of the ordinary happened. EARTHQUAKE!!!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... the building was still shaking. we went out of the room to meet our other colleagues also wondering what on earth is happening. my first instinct told me to find somewhere safe. and i saw the building pillar. i went near it and dragged a colleague with me only to find out that an a/c unit is directly above us. this place is surely not safe. and then the ground stopped shaking.

we quickly ran down the emergency exit. in no time from the 7th floor we reached the bottom only to find out that the door leading outside the building is locked. wow! this is the best feeling of my life. the threads of sanity i strongly held on slowly broke. why on earth is the emergency exit door locked? i didn't panic from the actual quake but a little claustrophobia got into me this time. we immediately alighted 2 floors back up and took another exit.

slowly, people got out of the building and stories of shock filled the air. everyone had a story to tell. and the worst part, phone lines broke. it only came back around 15 minutes later. i normally skip lunch but i took one this time thinking that a much needed energy would be helpful should there be an aftershock.

i was a little disappointed to hear no company official statement. other companies in that same building went home early than the usual. it was business as usual for ours. the earthquake was 6.9 with kilometers offshore negros as it's epicenter.

our japanese teacher then shared that during earthquakes, the first thing to do is to hide under the table and stay under until the quake stops. i immediately replied, there is only one table in our training room. surely, five people won't fit under it. and besides, cebu is not tokyo. in tokyo everything, buildings and people included, are earthquake proof. in cebu, we have no proof that buildings will remain standing after withstanding quakes. now we know it will but we didn't know before.

hours later, news of an impending tsunami came. the water in downtown area rose, they said. and this caused panic. just search for videos in youtube to find more. it must have been a carnival out there. but thinking back now, no one can blame these people. first, others haven't heard of the news of where the epicenter was. if they did, then mostly likely they would know that a tsunami in the city is impossible. second, this is the first big quake in cebu. most people don't even know what epicenter means. not knowing anything is scary and that makes one vulnerable to believe what others say. third, it was already a mob out there. when a huge number of people run towards you, won't you run with them as well? lastly, news of japan and new zealand is still quite fresh in the people's minds. you just can't blame them for acting that way. these made me conclude that cebu is not ready for earthquakes yet.

later around 6, as we were having a video conference with our japan counterparts, came a big aftershock. but i didn't even realize it until our boss himself alerted about it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... our boss finally stopped the conference and told everyone to get out of the building. what a day it was. i went home with stories to share.

aftershocks still came days after but the trauma of the first is incomparable. i can't be more thankful that we were safe.

to the sinulog haters

it saddens me to see people commenting negative stuff specially regarding faith. there are so many ways to express faith. and so many ways to express devotion. some of these may not be to your liking.

i admit that some people's action may seem fanatical. i sometimes even raise an eyebrow on these. but i will never judge them. and let me extend that to all, no one has the right to judge them. we do not know what these people have been through, we certainly do not know whatever hardships they may have encountered. yes, some express their thanks too much. some are too showy of their wishes. but no one can really box in the standards of how to express faith. if that is how best they say thanks, then let us be thankful that people still know how to express their gratitude. if that is how best they pray for any wishes, then let us be glad that after everything people still go back to God. why do we have to see only the negative? why do we have complain even when these people are not hurting others? and why do some even make fun of other's beliefs?

let us all be open minded guys. it is a festival and people from all walks of life are converging in the city. we should not generalize the festivity only because there are some who do stuff you do not agree on. i sometimes find waving a hand during a song a bit over the top. i simply don't do it. but it doesn't mean that i have less faith than them who wave. maybe if something really really big happens to me, i may see the waving as an extra added boost that everything will be okay in the end. people's actions are driven by their experiences. you may see it radical but that is just how they are with the experiences they have.

it really hurts me to see those comments making fun of it all. why can't we just be happy that people still believes in God? why can't we be happy that in this modern age and twisted way of living, people still have faith? open mindedness is the key to it all. let us all be happy and thankful. let us stop the criticisms and hate.

to everyone, let us just be reminded of the real essence of this festival. hope you are there not only for the party and fun. pay homage to the core of the Sinulog celebration as well.

Viva Pit Senyor!